Need some funny quotes. Anyone have any?

Question

Need some funny quotes. Anyone have any?

Answer 1

Here are some of my favourite ones :)

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."

- Douglas Adams

"I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life... Procrastinating and rationalizing."

- Calvin from CnH

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

- Albert Einstein

"I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."

- Oscar Wilde

"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."

- Mark Twain

"He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death."

- H. H. Munro (Saki)

"When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail."

- Abraham Maslow

"I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity."

- Tom Stoppard

Answer 2

A clean house is a sign of a wasted life.

Answer 3

one from george carlin

If you can;t beat em , arrange to have them beaten

Answer 4

Jim Gaffigan-

"you know they have the new thing... its a chicken pot pie hot pocket.... okay now their just messing with us next thing u know people will be saying 'hey, have you tried the hot pocket hot pocket? its a hot pocket filled with a hot pocket, tastes just like a hot pocket.' "

" Oh, that was negative..... how about those traditions fella, why dont you go back to that?

" some woman wakes up. 'honey why is there a... a pine tree... in our living room?' 'i rike it! were goona. were goona. were goona decorate it... for Jesus"