Need some good advice, preferably from those over the age of 25

Question

I need some good advice since I don’t know what to do. For over a year now my mother (and pretty much my entire family) has been pressuring me to marry my mother’s godson. They all believe his circumstances in life make him the perfect choice for me. He doesn’t have any family, lacks a good education, and works 2 low income jobs. Since his arrival t America a year ago, he has become very dependent on my family to help him out (he has no other family but his mother who turned her back on him at the request of her new husband).

I’m very conflicted as to what to do. On one hand, he’s a nice guy who will no doubt be very respectful of me. On the other hand, there are so many things that make me hesitant to marry him. First, I’m a 22 year old female whose fed up with her family (specifically her domineering mother) telling her what to do. Growing up, I never had a social life since my mother felt it was a waste of time and my mother actually chose my college major for me. I now have a job I hate and am bored with my life. What I want is sometime to myself—to have a social life, to find out the job I really want, and just learn about myself instead of letting my family dictate who I am. I’m also saving up some money to try and find a place of my own.

But this guy has a great deal of respect for my family since he views us as very educated and well off financially. He listens and heeds every bit of advice they give him. Additionally, if we were to marry, we’d most likely live in my parent’s second floor apartment—very close to them. I highly doubt he’d consider moving away since, well, logically we’d save more money living rent free in my parents home (for the record, we live in NYC where rent can be pretty high). So basically, marrying him is guarantees that they’ll still be in control of my life.

Secondly, this guy is very traditionally. From the moment we marry, he’ll want to start working on having a family, which means I won’t have time to figure out my life for myself. And trust me, saying no isn’t an option since the moment I do, my family will get involved and take his side.

Third, I look at my cousin and think to myself that I’d like to have what she has. Her fiancée is madly in love with her and her with him. The guy my mother wants me to marry doesn’t not feel that way about me. He likes that I’m sure of but he’s more interested in me because he believes his life will be a lot easier with me. I’ve tried to explain to my mother that I want someone who loves me the way my cousin’s fiancée does but my mother tells me that will never happen for me.

Currently, the guy has been dating another female and is thinking of marry her but he wants me to make my decision first. I’m not too sure what to do. Despite all of the reasons I’ve stated above, I’m very fearful that I will not be able to find someone who’ll treat me as good as he does. So here’s my question: if you were to find someone who treated you very well, would you marry them even though you have doubts or would you take the risk of ending up alone or someone who doesn’t treat you as well?

Answer 1

Do not marry this man, you will regret it!  Firstly, I think you are right in saying that he is an opportunist. I do not necessarily think that arranged marriages are a bad idea since a high percentage of so called romantic marriages end in divorce.  

I do believe that marrying someone from an equal social standing is imperative since you are the woman.  If you have children and he decides to leave (bearing in mind that he is an opportunist) you, who will be the one to suffer.  

Answer 2

Agreed: You need to get out of there! Being alone is not a bad thing. What makes it feel bad is when your family manipulates you into doing what they want you to do or else... or else what? They will take their love away?  If they are doing it now, they will just keep doing it. Think all the way through the worst that could happen if you don't marry him, all the consequences, even if it means being disowned. And think through all the consequences that would happen if you do marry him. You have a job, a means of supporting yourself. That is your basic survival tool. Making life decisions is hard enough without the real support of your family, and they apparently don't think about what would make you happy. Don't give in to the control and manipulation, you only have one life.

Answer 3

I personally would not marry him - if he is dating another girl, he should stay with her.  You should marry someone because you like the offer, not because you think you might not get a better one.  Marry in haste, repent at leisure!

Also, if you do not have some time for yourself now, you might never do.  I would always advise people to try and live on their own before they live with a partner - it's good to know you can stand on your own two feet if you have to.  Good luck :-)

Answer 4

You've given No good reasons to marry him ... what you've given are some very good reasons to move out of the area and TAKE your independence from your family. You never say you love him and that he's the man you want to build a life with ...

    listen to your heart ... Move as far away as possible , you are an adult ..take control of your life . Maybe you can go back to college and take the major you want ...

   Stop letting your family control you .

Answer 5

Run like h**l. If you marry this guy you'll never know what life could have had in store for you. If you don't like your job, pick one that you do love, even if it means going back to school. You're young enough to right some of these mistakes, don't wait until you've wasted half your life.

You need to get away from your family, maybe take a trip or volunteer with some people not connected to them at all. When you find your own place in life, maybe you'll still like this guy, but I doubt it.  

Answer 6

don't do it! it's apparent that you're parents are very traditional and sounds that they come from an Asian or South Asian background? I have a feeling that talking to your parents isn't going to get the point across.

since you are over 18, is there any way that you can move out? possibly with a friend? by yourself? maybe your cousin will let you crash with her for a little bit till you get your feet on the ground?

I would not recommend marrying someone that your parents want you too because it's their expectation, not yours. and think about this...if you were to marry him, and have kids....you wouldn't be raising them, your family would. do not do it! even if it means being shunned by your family. they will eventually come around one day, on the other hand, if you marry this guy and start an unwanted family, imagine how that child is going to feel...

think about, keep strong sister!

Answer 7

Don't do it, never let someone make a decision like that for you.

Answer 8

First rule of thumb, don't do anything you're not sure about.

Opportunities come and go in life, and there will be others for you.

It sounds like your mother is very domineering and if this has been a big problem for you until now, you may want to consider this a step towards independence. Are you interested in making it easier for her to continue doing that?

This man does not love you, and though he treats you well, he is thinking of himself. He is thinking of marrying you to make his life easier. Though this may work for you on some level, it may not be worth sacrificing your independence to be with him and have that convenience.

Independence is hard, takes a lot of work and sometimes means making hard decisions, but in this case, I would recommend turning him down.

You are envious of your cousin and this feeling will not go away if you stay in the same situation you are currently in.

I know it is hard to take a stand in such a situation, but you should never make a decision because you agree with someone who is pressuring you or because they have convinced you of something.

You sound like a very sensitive yet strong person who cares very much about others and wants to be treated with respect. Don't settle for less than you deserve out of fear.

It's possible you may not find someone who loves you in the way you are looking for right now, but that is not a good reason to marry someone else, especially if that person has been dating someone else.

Unless you are looking for a marriage of convenience, which I sense that you are not, this would not be a good option for you.

What I'm hearing from your post is that you need time to figure out what you would like to do with your career and meet people to find out what it is you want from life. Don't sacrifice that to please your mother or anyone else.

Ultimately, you are the one who will live with your choices, and therefore they must be choices that you are able to live with.

Good luck.

Answer 9

Do not worry that you will end up alone. I was in a very similar situation to yours when I was 17. I didn't marry him, he  wasn't a cousin. I lived a lot and found my self someone to settle down with who loves me very much. The first man, is still very close to my family has always been good to me and has ended up a good friend. Tell him you value his friendship and tell your mother that you will make your own life and find your own husband. My mother is domineering, but she is much less so since I started to make my own way in life,I ask her for very little so that she has no recourse to meddle. Get the job you want, the life you want and finally you will find a husband who will love you for more than just your family and security they offer.

Answer 10

GET OUT OF THERE. Do not marry this man. It would be for all the wrong reasons, and I feel your mother would keep you from ever being independant and happy. Not only should you not marry this man, but you should move away from your family. You don't need to sever ties completely, but you need to think for yourself. It may sound scary, but leave town, get your own place, meet some new people and have fun. You'll eventually meet a man who you want to marry because you love him, not because your mom recommends it. Wow. Show your mom these answers. Maybe she can gain some perspective on how normal people think.

Answer 11

Don't marry someone if you aren't sure.  

There are plenty of wonderful, respectful guys out there.  Sure as you settle for this guy because he seems more or less okay,  year later you will meet Mr. Wonderful and you'll wish you were single.

Answer 12

Your 22- most people don't get married until they are in thier late twenties and thirties

You have nothing to worry about in the regard

You need to do what you feel is in your best interest because its obvious that your parents and Mr X don't have it in mind

If you don't want to marry him then don't do it because your parents want you to

Answer 13

Tell your parents that he is a lovely man, but you are just not interested in him as a lifelong partner, because HELLO- you don't love him!  Besides, he's getting ready to marry someone else!

You have lots of years ahead of you to meet YOUR ideal husband. (Not your parents).  Tell them you respect them and their help, but that you can find the love of your life on your own, thank you very much.

It really doesn't matter if he's the nicest person in the world that could take care of you- if you aren't in love, it will never work.

Answer 14

I think you know what you really need and want to do.  I am not sure of your culture or what consequences may be caused by not marrying this man, but it doesn't sound like a good option to me.

I think I would much rather be single for the rest of my life than make a committment that would leave me unhappy.  And from the sounds of things you pretty much know a marriage with this man will not be a happy one.

Answer 15

I wouldn't marry someone unless we were madly in love, and if that never happened, I wouldn't care.

If you married him, it would only be out of convenience, and as you've stated, your life wouldn't be your own. Is he worth giving up your shot at independence?

Answer 16

Not over 25, unfortunately.

Obviously you do not want to marry him. You don't want to be close to your parents and you don't want to be controlled by them anymore. So, why put yourself in exactly that situation by marrying this guy? You don't even LOVE this guy, which is a very important part of a relationship. You need to start thinking for yourself, because only you know what's best for you. If you keep doing what your parents want you to do, you'll end up unhappy in the end. You're an adult, time to act like one.

Answer 17

Wow,  is this for real?  I'm so sad to hear this story.  I can't help but think that your family doesn't respect or value you very much to try and force you into this situation but then we often times misunderstand situations that are unfamiliar to us so I will try not to judge them too harshly.

I think that you need to remember that marriage is supposed to be forever.  So the question you need to ask yourself is this....Can I settle with this for the rest of my life?  Seriously think about it....you could be spending the next 60 years with this man.  Next question...If I never fall "madly in love" but I have my independance can I be happy?

Do you think that you'd be happier when you're 50 with your job, in your little apartment with your friends and your cat than you would with him?  If you would then you need to get out now.

Personally I would probably deck any guy who was considering marrying another woman but was waiting for my answer....but like I said I'll try not to judge that which I don't understand.

Good Luck.

Answer 18

Do you really want to marry someone you feel so lukewarm about?  Wouldn't it be better to wait until you meet someone more interesting?  Your mother sounds like a very negative sort of person to me and you have let her push you around long enough.  I mean, letting her stop you having a social life, choosing your college major for you etc, it really is time all that stopped.

I suggest you start by moving out.  Try and find an apartment you can share with some other girls maybe.  In the UK, there are always ads in the papers for people seeking a second or third girl to share a flat, and I daresay the same sort of thing happens in the USA.  Then you could work on finding yourself a better job, one that you enjoy more.  And go out to places where you can make friends.  Join a sports club or do some evening classes or voluntary work or something.

Your life sound so dreary it makes me sad.  You need to have some fun and see a bit of life before you get married, and you certainly should not marry someone you feel as apathetic about as this young man.  It sounds as if your family are draining all the life out of you.  Get out now while you still have the strength.

Answer 19

Go for the madly in love.  Please do not even consider the pressure from your family. You deserve what is going to make you happy, not what makes your family happy.

Answer 20

The only one condition this guy lack is your love, as I see... I wouldn't marry with a boy just because He treats me well or I would be married with the half of my friends, and the half of them are already married with friends of me.

Answer 21

Don't do it. You aren't in love with him and he's not in love with you, you say that you envy your cousins relationship so this is exactly the sort of relationmship you want.

Some people are fine with arranged marriages, but you obviously aren't.

Don't feel pressured, it's just about the most important decision of your life so it's up to you to make that decision.

Answer 22

Here's a thought, take control of your life. Move out of mommy's house, date men you are attracted to, change cities and change jobs to find one you like. Or, you could keep doing the same thing which gives you reason to complain about your terrible life but you don't have to take responsibility because it is someone else's fault

Answer 23

I think you already know what the answer is.  Look at how the college major turned out.  This will likely turn out the same.

Answer 24

Ok for starters, my answer to this question would be no.  Marriage should be something that you marry to be with someone you want to be with, not some one that your parents want you to be with.  Second, if you want to get out and do things and experience life the way you should have been doing, then you need to start standing up to your family and telling them that you are your own person and they can't make you do what they want.  You have rights as a human being to make a choice.  If you marry this guy, then you will never be the person who you want to be, you'll never find out who you could have been.  Third, the guy is already seeing someone else, so if that's the case, the heck no.  If he's seeing some one else and your family wants the two of you to be together, then it makes common sense not to do it.  Reason being is that he sounds like the kind of guy that may cheat on you if he is doing that.  At this point, he's just being a jerk and should be avoided.  Life should be experienced the way you want to, not the way your parents want to.  Think about all the things that you want out of life and go with your gut feeling.  If you go down the path that you want, it will all work out, other wise you won't be happy.  Hope this helps.