Need some help about an uncaring mom?

Question

Why did my mom lie to me?

why couldnt she just tell me from the beginning that she would not help me in life, that i was on my own. i can accept that, but i cant respect her going out of her way lying and saying i can always ask her for help, and then i dont ask but she offers, but then turnsout she doesnt want to do it. why go out of her way to lie? she is playing mind games with me and it isnt right.

Answer 1

Hey Y,

Hmmmmmm, . . . . Ya see, people are just that and no more.  They are people, and are quite human.  They do the best with what they have.  That is, your Mom is a product of her own growing up (as you are too).  Since we learn from out primary role models (our parents), we learn both what they do WELL & what they don't do so well.  So, she learned those traits & behaviors from HER role models.  And you too, have learned from your OWN role models.

One thing I have learned along through life, is that for the most part, people do not REALLY do things TO me (or you).  They just DO things; they make choices.  And many times, I (or you ) happen to be the one who is interacting with the choice any particular person makes.  Yes, a choice,  In life, we have many, many choices.  We can choose to be angry with any given situation or we can be happy.

Does your Mom care?  I may not KNOW her.  But I will say that yes, she does care.  However, her understanding of just what "caring" looks like, may differ from yours or mine.

Another thing I have found in our culture is that people have what I refer to as a "wish list".  You know, that list that is created when someone says, "Hey.  We should get together & do -whatever- sometime."  And the TRUTH is, that -whatever- is NEVER gonna happen.  Cause it is only a wish & not a priority.  The person saying it, tends to feel better by saying it.  For example, your Mom feels better by saying you can always ask her for help.

It sounds to me as though what you REALLY feel hurt about is her message.  The message is "You are not a priority in my life." when she doesn't follow though.  That rather than, "she is playing mind games." even though it feels like mind games.  [You are talking with the choir, here]

Lastly, have YOU ever lied?  Have YOU ever not followed though on even the tiniest of promise?  From here, I go to forgiveness.  This is an Art.  By an "Art", I am saying that it is NOT easily or quickly done.  And forgiveness is NOT for the one forgiven, but rather the one doing the forgiving.  It will lighten your heart & enable you throughout your life.

Below, I have included a list of types of lies that people do & some reasons why.

You MIGHT . . . .also consider going to my profile.  There, I have a link to some vids from a man with a wondrous perspective on life, Dr. Leo Buscaglia.

A quote from Dr. Leo Buscaglia says, "Nothing in your darkest moments, am I not also."  That is, each one of us has made many mistakes, hurt others and so on.  So then what are we left with?  I believe the answer to be, we are left with forgiveness.

Be well my friend.