Need support/advice - Adults only please?

Question

I left a monogamous relationship of over 6 years 10 months ago.. it was long overdue. I made poor choices and take responsibility for that. I do however hold him responsible for his actions as well as he infected me with Herpes knowingly. He is a lying scumbag who when confronted with my diagnosis said - "whatever you gave it to me". Prior to him I was married for 5 years. Without getting into all the he said/she said garbage, he's ignorant and continues to be unsafe.

I recently discovered also that he whether knowingly or not infected me with genital warts/HPV as i've just developed my first signs of this.

Here in lies my problem... I'm mad at myself for trusting this guy all those years ago and making those choices. Worse is that 5 months ago I began dating a man who I've fallen madly in love with. Before you all go bashing me - I was immediately up front with him about my herpes. I gave him an open door to leave and he said "no way i'm leaving". We used protection for a few months and he came to me and said that he longer wanted to use protection and understood the risk. I take daily oral supressive valtrex. I've had very few outbreaks, maybe 2-4 since being diagnosed.

I've now got to tell this man about this. I'm terrified that with this new info I will soon find myself with a broken heart again. He has mentioned marriage frequently. I prayed for this man to come into my life and he's here now and I'm in tears afraid i'm going to lose him

Answer 1

Firstly I wouldn't bash you as you put it,as people make mistakes in there life not that I'm saying you have made any here but anyway, he new about what you had cause you told him and it was his choice that he stayed for which I'm happy for you, you obviously have been honest with him from the start so I wouldn't stop now, and yes there is a chance you may loose him but I doubt that you will, I know I don't know you or him but from what you have written it sounds like you have been completely honest with him and told him from the onset that you had this and maybe that is why he has stayed because of your honesty, you sound like a decent nice person who has just had a lot of bad luck and someone who I thinks should have there turn at happiness so I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 2

Tell him he needs to be tested.  He's a grown man and knew the risks of unprotected s*x.

Answer 3

You can do this. What happened to you is awful but this does not define who you are. This new man sounds great and if he supports you through this then he is the man you think he is but if he can't hack it maybe he's not. Things in life are going to hurt, its not all a breeze so if this one doesn't work out your going to cry and it will hurt for a while but you will have more ups and downs.

"Just because you know where you want to end up

doesn’t mean you will not be faced with obstacles, or challenges along the way.

Instant success rarely happens."

Catherine Pulsifer, from Wings for Goals  

Answer 4

Look, he has been understanding about the one thing...he's most likely going to understand about this!  Have faith, life is full of a-holes who don't care about people and he seems like a nice guy!  Just be honest and good luck!

Answer 5

communication is one of the many keys to a good relationship

Pull him aside, let him know that you have some news and realy need to talk to him

tell him how you feel,let him know your scared what the outcome will be after your finished talking with him

You have to be honest

chances are though, that if he realy loves you like it sound he does, he will be ok and excepting of it

just be honest,tell him you didnt know, you just found out,,and tell him you feel bad because of it,

Answer 6

If you're worried about telling him about HPV remember he stayed with you even though you have herpes, and they say over 50% of sexually active people will contract HPV in their life time, and in alot of cases it will resolve its self in about a year. don't worry sounds like you have a great guy who will understand.

Answer 7

Yeah that's a tough break.  I actually know a guy who has herpies and has had many girlfriends since the time I knew he had herpies.  I'm pretty sure, due to the nature of his personality, he has never told any woman he's been with that he's infected.  Some guys are that low.  That's one of the reasons I don't talk to this guy anymore.

But back to your issue at hand.  You have to tell him.  Regardless of what he does you can at least know you are not like your untrustworthy ex-boyfriend.  Obviously the choice is to be his on what to do, but if I was in his shoes....I'd still would rather have you be upfront and honest with me than for me to find out (like you did with your ex) 6 years and 10 months down the road.

Answer 8

I think you need to set the s*x aside for a little its oviously not working for you right now ...instead of moving on and forgetting the issues pray have a better relationship with God talk to women at a local church ...they dont judge they help you tell this guy you need a couple of weeks to gather your problems and something you need to do on your own!!Your not dirty and disgusting and unworthy of your prince but you need to stop using s*x like a toy...You need confidence and support ..i promise you'll find great support from a believer ....it doesnt hurt to try!!!  

Answer 9

He will respect you more for being honest with him now than finding out later that you hid this information from him. From what you are saying this man cares about you, all of you and you have to trust yourself to be honest with him. If I were in your shoes I would have to be honest with him and hope for the best. If you are not honest with him than you are just repeating the cycle of what was already done to you in past relationships.

Answer 10

Unfortunately there's no easy way around it. You have to tell him. You've had a f**ked time at the hands of an a*****e and I wish there was something I could say that would make it easy for you but there isn't. Sorry.