Need tips to prevent problems in adoption..?

Question

i am in the process of adopting a 13 year old and neeed some tips to prevent problems. Since shes lived on the streets most of her life i dont want problems to come up with other kids and such.

Answer 1

You must not like the answers you're getting.  Isn't this like the third time you've asked this same question?

Since I'm guessing my earlier answer wasn't to your liking, I won't repeat it.  Too bad.  Unconditional love does go a long way.

Answer 2

Well, thats kind of vague. Do you know this girl? Do you know of any current problems she is having or has previously had? What are the ages of the other children? Have you made the decision as a family to adopt?

Given the lack of specifics, I would say that the best thing you can do is to be patient, attentive, and communicate as a family. I am sure there will be problems and she will certainly have trust issues and probably issues with authority--as she has 'done it on her own' for this long. I would try to find ways to guide her without being too demanding at first. I would set attainable goals and praise her for her success. I would have family meetings or get togethers where you can all simply have fun and bond over something you all enjoy....let each child pick her/his activity.  

Answer 3

Speaking from experience, GOOD LUCK, you will need it. I'm not being negative or facetious, just realistic. If the child has lived on the street, she will have a lot of suspicion toward people who act nice to her, and may have an undue amount of trust for people that you would not likely approve of. Kids who have been through the system tend to seek out other kids who have the same experience -its uncanny, they have a 6th sense for kids with the same issues. At first everything will be great. Once the honeymoon is over though, look out - kids who have been through multiple placements (foster homes or homes of relatives) don't have any terms of reference for a stable home. They start to subconsciously do things to disrupt their placement. Add adolescence to the equation and its enough to drive most people around the bend.

The best advice I could give is to make sure you develop a strong support system - adoption groups, people with similar experiences, perhaps family members. One thing that is guaranteed is that your life as you know it will change. People (friends and family) who say they support you right now will fall by the wayside because they won't understand what you are going through. Some of them will tell you to disrupt the adoption when things get tough, some will just fade into the background because they are uncomfortable with seeing the challenges you face. Prepare yourself to be involved with the police and the youth justice system.

Before people start flaming me for being negative, let me tell you my background - we adopted 7 children (sibling group of 2 and sibling group of 5). 2 of the 5 were 12 years and 10 years old and had been through some horrific experiences, multiple placements, exposure to things that no kid should have to go through. The younger ranged from infants to 4 years old. We found that it took a period of time roughly equal to the child's age at placement for them to accept being adopted (for example, the 2 year old was 4 before she started to accept her placement and begin to reciprocate affection) For older kids, there isn't enough time for this to happen before they become adults. The positive thing is, if you continue the relationship, they do come back to you as adults and seek out a relationship that is healthier than what you will likely experience in the teen years.

So why would anyone put themselves through this if the outcome is so bleak? It takes a special person (and no, I'm not trying to pat myself on the back or look for a medal). The fact is,kids who are adopted at any age have a better outcome than if they stay in the foster care system or never have anyone. Just prepare yourself for the worse, hope for the best, and roll with the punches. Remember that you are doing the right thing regardless of what people say or think. Someday, this young girl will remember what you did and will have a better life for it, no matter what happens to her. We all need someone who cares about us - remember that, and accept that anything bad that comes along will go away eventually, we tend to remember the good times - the bad times fade.

Answer 4

Find a therapist who specializes in these kinds of issues.  If you live in New York or Colorado, this won't be a problem.  But although she needs unconditional love - with abused/abandoned/neglected kids you have to understand that love alone is not enough for these kids to be successful.  Find an online or real-life support group of parents in similar situations.  There are a few on yahoogroups.  Often these other parents have wonderful advice.

Answer 5

Firstly, your child will encounter problems in life all throughout her life. I knew a woman whose 50 now, and has a trauma regarding her adoption. (She was found as an abandoned baby on the street).  So I think first you need to show her your love.  I have an adopted cousin, who arrived conscious she was adopted, and so far no problems.

So she should firstly accept the reality, before forgetting it. This should be done by a psychologist. Does she know anything about her biological parents? This can help her. If she gets a 3rd-person account of being abandoned, it might help her physiologically, and if she knows a bit more about her parents.

Before (or during her first months in school) She should clarify (with a counselor) that she's happy, and loved and that her biological parents would have been worse.

It would be excellent if she could clarify (if she doesn't know) about her birthday, birthplace, life before you, etc, if she's unwilling to talk about her adoption to others yet. For example: She was 'found' per say, in Warbucks, Ohio. Birthplace: Warbucks Ohio. She was found around the month of april. I was born in April 2. If she feels ready to share, then good. All though clarifying this sort of stuff either way is a good idea.

You should create open communication with her, if she ever needs it. You shouldn't pressure her to talk either. She should find a friend (rather than a parent) in someone, someone she can hug.

Hormones are underway too. This might complicate stuff a bit too. The first few months she needs to adapt to her new lifestyle. If she knows what to do about school, and has no doubts, no pressure should be set. Before talking to her about clarifying you should think about this:

1. Will she fill rejected by her parents?

You should avoid rejection at all costs. Don't display a sense of perfection either.  Allow her to learn about flaws in parenting, and also, let her know that you will never want to hurt her.

If she doesn't display traumas, then you shouldn't pressure her to talk, or to go to a physologist.

THE MOST IMPORTANT THING:

LET HER MOVE AT HER OWN PACE!