Need your opinion..Adopted?

Question

My mom who adopted me had 4 sons. They have never considered me part of the family. Well three of them have but not really. Anyway my moms middle son has never liked me. My mom lost a her daughter and then she adopted me. My whole life I have been harassed by him. My mom just gets stressed because she wants to get along. But its not me, its him. I am a good daughter, always help my mom with whatever she needs...and so do the others. But we have a different realtionship. Mother daughter i guess. I got married, moved away, then they deployed my husband I moved back to here to my moms house. Pay utilities and take care of my daughter. Waiting for my husband to come home. So he just comes over and harasses me. My mom is always at work. I have been dealing with this since i was 14, I am now 24. Also get this..he is a cop, divorced, and 38...Like i am the mature one here or what? Why do some people have to treat adoptees. like nothing...My mom does nothing, i guess cuz thats her real son .

Answer 1

WOW - that sucks.

Sadly - too often - adoptees are caught in the middle of stuff - that is NOT their own fault.

You had ZERO choice about being adopted - and you had ZERO choice about not being totally accepted within your a-family.

Have you asked him what his problem is - stating that you didn't asked to be given away by one family - and placed in a completely random family.

He obviously has issues - that really you have nothing to do with - you're just caught in the middle.

(perhaps not so bluntly - but I hope you know what I mean)

Perhaps he's been insanely jealous of you all your life - thinking that you got attention that he had hoped for.

Mostly that's why people are bullies - because they want to make themselves feel better - and they're ultimately jealous of you.

Your a-mum should be dealing with this. (bad form from her for not helping you out)

She should be protecting you.

Can you get the other brothers to protect you - or don't they want to??

I do hope that you can find some solution.

In the meantime - sending you hugz and strength from down here!

Also if you want to ever talk to other adoptees - here's a great adoptee forum -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

ETA: And to those that think this is the same as non adopted sibling groups - you know - 'real kids' - WRONG - this is so so different.

An adoptee already feels the pressure of being the odd one out - and it's obvious that this family adopted to fill the void of the loss of a child.

BIG mistake.

What huge pressure for the adoptive.

Adoptee's have less power in the family mix - and they usually constantly want to make everyone happy - as they are too often the 'saviour' kid - either filling the void of a lost child - or worse - filling the void of a child that could never be (such as with fertility issues).

HUGE pressure is placed on an adoptee to be someone - they just. can't. be.

They are too often not given the same rights - just to be THEM - their own person - within a family - because they're adopted to be 'somebody else'.

Answer 2

It's not right and I'm sorry that you eel that your relationship is lesser because you're adopted. Have you talked to your mom?

I adopted my daughter and I would die if she referred to herself as not being my REAL child.

You've only had 10 years of dealing with him, your mother has had 38. Maybe she's just tired of dealing with him also.

Answer 3

Thats tough, I've always felt that family does'nt have to be by blood. Your her real daughter too. Just because she didn't give birth to you doesn't mean you don't belong where you are. I don't understand why people can be so mean but you belong where you are. Goodluck

Answer 4

It is such a shame that this has happened!  Unfortunately, sibling relationships in families where adoption has not taken place often happens too.  Siblings can have such jealousy, which is sometimes subconcious and they don't even realize they are doing it.  Ask your brother to get counseling, for the loss of his sister, and to mend your relationships.  My prayers are with you!

Answer 5

Maybe this man misses his sister that died and can't come to terms with someone taking her place although I believe you have not tried to do that.Sometimes middle children feel left out as they grow up within a family they always feel that they have never had the same attention as the other siblings,and in your case you have came into this family and no doubt had a lot of love and attention poured on you and this has made him feel left out again and resent-full towards you and unfortuately this is his nature and it won't change as you say you are 24 now and ten years ago your mum probably could have dealt with this easier but she is ten years older now and people change.The best thing for you is that when your husband returns get away and set up your own home always keep contact with your mum and let your adoptive brother get on with his life,he sounds like he might not even like himself.I am adopted myself and was lucky because I came into a family that loved me and although I have a sister and brother who are much older than me I was never made to feel that I didn't belong. My big mistake was letting the kids in the street know that I was adopted it was them that made me feel like an outcast even some of their parents told their kids not to be friends with me,because in their words "you never know where he has come from!".The word b*****d was a word I had to endure a lot throughout my school years,yes it hurt it hurt a lot but as I grew older I grew stronger and when I was able I struck out on my own and made a life for myself ensuring that I was able to make my parents proud of me and I did that and I did it without the help of any of my so called friends and as I grew up I always said to myself they will need me before I need them.My Mum and Dad were always number one in my life and sadly they are both dead now but they still are number one to me.I have my own family and grandchildren now and am very happy indeed.So for you perhaps you should do the same thing tell yourself that this brother will need you before you need him let him see that the way he treats you realy doesn't matter because he doesn't matter,you have your own family now and thats what matters if you love your mum always let her know that.God bless and good luck to you keep your chin up and keep smiling it can be hard at times but you will do it and rise above any hurt this guy has given you, you are better than him and always will be you see being adopted means that you are a very special person,we are a breed apart and a good breed at that.

Answer 6

I think he just likes bullying you. Are you afraid of him? Have you spoken up for yourself? How old is your daughter? Does she see this? I have more questions than answers really because you gave little to go on. Is this harrassment about you not being a real family member? Are you capable of defending yourself verbally?

Answer 7

I'm sorry to hear that it makes me really sad to hear that but the only advice I can give you is to stay strong and focused. You've been blessed to have a family that supported you through these hard times. Maybe your step brother is always reminded of his sibling that died by your replacement in the family. It could be a sort of deep hurt that he has within himself as he might feel that you took the place of his sibling both in your step mothers eyes as well as in his own. Ac lot of times cops face really stressful days at work on the beat and he could also be bringing that stress on you and releasing it in a negative way. Try to have a serious talk with him about the situation away from work period or zone maybe when hes been off for a cou[ple of days and then you wont be dealing with his antics or him venting his days stressfull work on you. Lastly stay strong because sometimes in life were dealt a few curve balls and thats what makes us unique as far as wisdom and life experience.

Answer 8

Thanks for posting and sorry that you were placed in a home when you're adoptive mother was apparently trying to fill the void.  Its happens and thats why agencies should be more careful about placements.  

If I were you, I would talk to both of them together and tell them that the harassment needs to stop. Its abusive and you're not going to tolerate it anymore. Ask your brother in front of your mother if he has resentments toward you because your were adopted or if its because he thinks your mother didn't consider his feelings. He's probably mad at your mother because of the way she dealt with his feeling after his sisters death and you're easier to resent then his mother.  You're mother owes it to you to make sure you're accepted by everyone in the house as well as protected.