Needing lots of punishment a sign of bad parenting?

Question

There are so many questions on here regarding how to punsih children. Don't you think that needing a lot of punishment is a sign that something is wrong in the parenting itself? I mean if someone is doing a good job of teacing right from wrong and why it's important to behave a certain way and they have set limits and consequences then would punishment become less and less necessesary?

Why do people focus so much on punishment when it's a persons parenting style and how they teach lessons that has more to do with how well behaved a child is?

I have 4 boys and they rarely need punishment. they are 13, 13, 11 and 8. I see many questions on here about how to punish kids that are older and it seems to me that by the time a kid is older, they should have learned self discipline. They should be making good choices most of the time based on what you've taught them.

So the way I see it, if you need to constantly punish your child, then something is wrong in the parenting itself, it's not about punishing more or different or often. If my kids were to do something bad, I would feel I didn't do a good job to teach right from wrong and would make a change in my parenting itself (communication, attention,creative techniques, more limits etc...) I wouldn't just be focusing on how to punish the behavior but more on how to change it.

So why do parents focus so much on punishing? I see questions about how to punish a behavior and then there are like 10 answers that say "smack the kid" I mean seriously? People should focus more on how to change the behavior by using actual parenting rather than just focusing on punishing the child over and over. often bad behavior can be changed by simply giving a child more attention, having better communication, setting more specific limits, being creative.

Answer 1

No I don't believe it to be a sign of bad parenting or ineffective discipline.  Like any consequence given, you can't give a consequence once and then expect your child to never misbehave again.  That's a silly concept to believe.  I do effectively communicate  with and teach my son, but he needs to know that there are consequences out there for his actions and not all of them are "natural" consequences.  It's very ignorant to assume that because I spank my child or I give him punishments as part of discipline that I must not know how to communicate or teach him or her.  He listens quite well, but he's still just a toddler and will still act out at times.  He's happy, he's sweet and he's well behave most of the time.

If my children misbehave, I would not feel like I didn't do a good job teaching my them right from wrong.  They know right from wrong but they chose to do wrong to test the limits.  I know I did my job but my children a responsible for their actions and must accept the consequences for breaking the rules.  Parents don't focus primarily punishing their children and simply because people suggest spanking does not mean that it's the only way to discipline, but it's not a bad way either.  Just because you are anti-spanking doesn't mean that the rest of the world will think like you do.  

When my toddler misbehaves, he usually breaks a rule that he knows is in place but he is testing his limits.  I give him a gentle reminder of why it's wrong and then he receives his consequence.  He knows the rules.  He pushes the limits as a toddler will do.  Now granted if I find that a certain method is not working well, I will do away with it and think of something else to try.  It's all about trial and error and seeing what works for your children (key word is *your* children).

Not everyone parents as you do and that does not make them any less of or a bad parent.  It means we are different.  I'm a good parent and I know I am.  And yes I do give my toddler a spanking if I feel the circumstances call for it.  But I also use a good variety of disciplinary and teaching methods, everything from re-direction to spanking to letting him learn for himself.  You parent your way and let everyone else parent their way.  Your way is not the only right way out there.

Answer 2

I think the need for "punishment" is subjective to the parent/caretaker.  Sometimes a child might do something that should be handled by mere distraction, not full blown punishment.  I see this all the time with my niece.  When she is at home with her parents, she gets punished all the time, for small things like grabbing something off the table or accidentally marking on the floor while she is coloring.  She spends most of her time in the "time out" corner for no reason (in my opinion).  On the otherhand, when she comes to visit my parents, she is hardly ever punished for anything.  It's not that my parents are lax, she just never really does anything to warrant being punished.  Usually just telling her "no no" or "we don't touch that" is enough to avert her attention elsewhere.

I think that by punishing a child more than what is reasonable, you create a child who thinks its normal to be punished and therefore ends up acting in ways that get them in trouble, because it's normal.  They grow up thinking they are "bad kids" and then adopt that role because that's how they perceive themselves.  I hope that my parents can have enough impact in my niece's life to stop this from happening to her, but it worries me.  

Anyway, that's my thoughts on the subject.

Answer 3

You are  ight,  In almost 30 years of parenting, ( youngest are turning 10 this week)  I have never had resort to  any form of corporal punishment, and rarely to any other kind of punishment.  The rare times that I found it necessary I used a logical consequence- my son lost his bike when he didn't wear his helmet- six kids and probably fewer than two dozen punishments in all that time.

And yet, with very different personalities, all are well-behaved, respectful, articulate- all that talking, I guess- and have done, or are doing well in school.

I know I was lucky to have a husband who made enough money for me to be a stay at home mother, but my kids and I were also lucky that he was a very involved father.  He is a dedicated pediatrician, but his own children were, and are a priority.

Answer 4

If you are constantly punishing your kids, it's possible that your punishments are ineffective.  I found that spanking or similar punishments are very poor.  Timeouts work much better.  Spending my own time during the punishments shows the child i'm serious, and work even better.  But rewards are much better for getting the child to do what you want.  You can offer rewards that are things you'll give the child anyway - but you have to be prepared to withhold the reward.  So, you might plan to eat out at McDonald's, but if the child doesn't earn it, you have to be prepared to do something else.  In my case it was tuna fish sandwiches.

I've gotten my 11 year old through 6 years of violin practice with simple and cheap rewards.  My reward?  He's now much better than i am.

Answer 5

Your right, obviously the lesson isn't being learned if the punishments are that frequent. Smacking teaches nothing. Children aren't naturally bad.