Neglected.....unwanted by family......what do i do??

Question

As a child my great grandmother set up a bank account for all her grandchildren along with buying us all a horse, when i was 18 i notified the bank of my change of address and they sent a new book through. Several months after that i called my grandmother as i normally did and my grnadfather picked up the phone, asked who it was, and when i said it was 'me' he told me to F-off and put the phone down on me. This was the last time i spoke to him.

Over 5 years have now passed and over the years i learnt that the reason that my grandfather isnt speaking to me was because he thought i had stolen the money out of the account my great nan set up. I have never been given the oppertunity to tell them all what had actually happened, as they moved house and cut all contact with me, and i am now not even aloud to go down that street.

It was recently my nans 65th Birthday and i called to say happy birthday, when on the phone she told me she was having a bif family gathering and everyone was attending, (apart from me) i was really upset and explained to my nan i didnt want this heartbreak any longer, and she replied with 'you are now engaged and are looking at starting your own family, i suggest you just move on and forget about us all', i was in peices and asked my nan what i had done so terribly that it meant i couldnt be around any of my family, (this being all the members on my mothers side) and she said it was because:

1- i had stolen money form my great nan

2 -i had stolen money from her

3 - i had stolen jewellry from her

4 - had stolen jewellry from my great nan

5 - stolen jewellry from my great nans house.

I couldnt believe it! over the years as things had gone wrong and situations had arose, it seemed that i was the one that was doing all these terribel things, and to my own family. I was heartbroken that any of them could have thought it.

I have tried to get in contact with them before, i wrote my grandad a letter and sent him a card and explained that too many years have passed and i would like to start having contact with them, and should he wish for me to explain anything he could phone me. I have heard nothing, other than more lies being spread about me.

I am now engaged and everyone missed the oppertunity to see me at my most happy, at my engagement party and now we are planning a family.

Im asking for advice, do i leave well alone and get on with my life, or do i try and and contact them again and rick the heartbreak of them throwing me to one side again?

I really don't know what to do. Im not even sure if we were to all get in contact again that our relationships would repair and be back to how they used to be. As i was the favourite grandchild, the one with the better education, the one they took on their holidays.

What do i do??

(sorry its long, i would just appreciate any help on this one, as im lost)

Answer 1

I would write and explain that you do not know why they think you stole money and jewellery. That you feel betrayed by someone who may have been misleading them, and that you have done nothing wrong.

I would also try to contact one of the other grandchildren, to see if they can give you any clues as to why they would think you had stolen from them. This may give you your answer, though the situation may not be recoverable. Older people can be very stubborn.

Answer 2

First things first, I did not mind reading the break down in the relationship between you and your family. You have to focus on yourself, your fiancee and friends that genuinely care about you.

It is a shame that your family does not care about you.

The more you think about them not caring you and wishing they were a part of your life, the more you saddened you will be.

You have tried to repair your relationship with them but they do not care to bury the hatchet with you. I empathize with you about not being close to your family. I come from a family that cares about their problems but not about mine. If I tell my folks something, good or bad, that happened to me or say anything to them, they do not really care.

My eldest sister and I had a falling out almost four years ago. She treated me badly along with her husband. Her husband is her high school sweetheart. When I was a kid, he felt sorry for me. He views me as a "loser" and a "pest." If I see him ever again, he will act fake to me.  My  eldest sister looks down at me along with her husband. My eldest sister did not bother to make amends with me so I could consider going to her wedding. I did not really get an invitation to go to her wedding.  My dad tried to bribe me with a lot of money to attend my eldest sister's wedding. Subsquently, I opted just to go to work the day of my eldest sister's wedding. My other sister stole money from me and would ask me for money at times before I had my first job. She had s*x with some guy in my bed. When I would visit her at her former jobs, she did not like to acknowledge to her coworkers that I was her brother. Last November, I wrote her a check for $200 for her birthday. I think I gave her money too on Christmas. My birthday was two weeks ago and she gave me a phone call as if I was  a person in jail. My folks look down at me. They have put me down my whole life. They are not encouraging towards me. I have also dealt with neglect, verbal and psychical abuse from my folks when I was a kid.

I have learned you have to worry about yourself first.

You can try to make somebody (a friend, person you were in a relationship with or still in) realize how messed up he or she was towards you but at times,  that does not work.

I learned this second lesson from my last girlfriend who lied to me a lot, never said, "I love you" to me ever, criticized me a lot , made cruel jokes to me and yelled at me often over small things after our nine month relationship ended early this April (she dumped me through text messages).

It's horrible that your family may not attend your wedding but why would you want people at your wedding that do not really care about you and will act phoney to you?

Your fiancee and close friends are your family now. Hopefully, they love you unconditionally.

I hope that this helps and take care of yourself.

Answer 3

Forget them and get on with your life, and enjoy your relationship

Answer 4

Relax :)- Forget them and do better as you like for your own. If you are quite clear that these blames are fake. But if you have time you should try to find reasons. One day you will got the actual reason. We didn't now time, but one day every body will see the thoughts. “DO YOUR BEST AND LEAVE THE REST TO GOD”.

Answer 5

i dont know u, and as christ is the only righetous judge, i cant judge. but if u r truly innocent of any and all wrong doing. the master, lord, god,king, creator of all things knows.and cant be fooled. follow your heart and soul, stay true to what is right, cast off all wrong,evil,wicked,spiteful hatred. righteousness is its own reward.

Answer 6

If you really stole all that stuff from them, as they claim, where is the police report? Why didn't the police get in touch with you about it?

I think there's much more to this than shutting you out, I have a feeling you are being made a scapegoat for something you didn't do, and are not being allowed to explain yourself because if you do, there is a risk that what really happened will be revealed.

I'm guessing someone sold off the jewellery in secret, kept the money and then said that the jewellery was stolen by you. Very conveniently they didn't have it insured, which meant no police report, which meant no criminal investigation, which meant no awkward questions being asked, which meant that the police would never come to you.

As regards the money in the bank, there should be some kind of paper trail that shows where it is gone. You say that all you got was a book to access the account, surely they also have one for them?

If these people who you consider your family are prepared to frame you like this, I would seriously reconsider my position in relation to them. Stay in touch with your immediate family who are still friendly with you, but if you feel like stirring up trouble, start asking about a police report over stolen jewellery.

Or you could take your Dad's advice and leave well alone. Families, my goodness, you can't live with them and you can't shoot them.  

Answer 7

Are you absolutely sure it wasn't you.  Some kleptomaniacs aren't even aware that they keep stealing.  Try asking someone close to your family, a neighbor or friend what the reason is and who told the situation.  If you can't get directly to your family, the bridge will usually work.  Try communicating through the bridge.  Doing something is actually better than doing nothing at all.

Answer 8

I think you have already tried to sort it out with them all.  I think the best thing you can do is write a letter to each person and explain that you havent stolen anything etc and that if they want to get in touch then this is the number and address.  This way you will have done ALL you can to sort the situation out and it's up to them then.

If they dont get in touch, then i would just try and move on with your new family and forget about them,  I know it's hard, ive done it.  But at the end of the day theres only so much heartache a person can take and keeping in contact with them is not going to make anything any better if thats the way they treat you each time you try to make contact.

I have had a similarish problem with my brother.  I'm just telling myself now to get on with my life and forget about the people that dont seem to give a toss about me.  Its the best way to go as you will just eat yourself up worrying about trying to get back into their lives, and that isnt healthy.

Answer 9

It seems to me you have tried all you can to make them understand and it hasnt worked.  

Get on with your life and make a new family for yourself.  Your family are the ones who will be missing out and my guess is when they see you have a family of your own they will come round.

Answer 10

it will hurt u more the more u try to reach or talk to them if they dont want you and just rejected u like that then dont force urself let them regret of what they did too you and take all the negativeness w/ ur life cause who wants it anyway? everybody deserves to be happy and u deserve it.You already tried all the ways in the world to apologize and if they still dont want u back then just live ur life and be happy maybe next time when they realized their mistakes u would think that they would almost kneel on u to ask for forgiveness..let them be and enjoy ur life don't revolve it on them it will stress u more.

Goodluck.:)

Answer 11

Well first it could have been a frame. Is there a body in your "Family" that just simply despised you or maybe gave you the impression that they do not want you around? And you should also keep trying to regain their trust,do small but nice things to them like say go see them every once in a while,Brings gifts and what not. Also try to get one on one with your Grandmother ask her to sit and talk about everything if you look her in the eye and have a straight face,promise and swear to her you didn't steal a thing. she sould be bound to belive you.and be very emotional about it cry in her presence if you have to.

Answer 12

Contact Jeremy Kyle take a lie detector and prove your innocence

Answer 13

As one last attempt, you need to go to their house, and talk to them.  Tell them they have accused you of doing something you did not do and you want to know why they are accusing you.  Take your bank book with you and show them you have nothing to hide. Tell them they are the elders, and should know better, and that communication, especially in the family goes a long way.  Ignoring the situation isn't going to make it go away, and that you don't appreciate being accused of something you didn't do and you have a right to clear your name.  Tell them you love them dearly with all your heart, and you would want them to attend your upcoming wedding and it would mean so much to you if they did.  Tell them life is too short for pettiness.  

PS, you're only engaged right now.  Don't start planning a family until you get settled in as a married couple.  Give yourselves at least a year, because after that, and the kids start coming, you won't have much one-on-one time, so think ahead a bit about that one.  

Answer 14

Not knowing the whole story, I would have to guess your great nan may have passed away. It sounds as if possibly your grand parents felt that they were entitled to the money and possessions and maybe very bitter about it. Again this may be a guess. I have seen families destroyed over money and items. Its very hard to change the minds of people who think they may have been wronged in situations like this. Another part of this story that is missing is your parents. What roll or thoughts have they had. Again a guess but if someone treated any of my kids like that, I think I would have a serious problem unless they are lead to believe there is merit to there story. So your basically in a pickle and this will probably never be resolved. Some people can not forgive and some people will never get over things and it will fester in them as long as they live. Nothing you can do or say may ever change that. So you have reached out, and I am guessing have tried to explain the instances and such. Let it go and if they ever want to rekindle the relationship do not be as they are and hold a grudge.

Answer 15

To much water has passed under the bridge. Just write everything of and get on with your life. I don't think that there is any smoke without fire.

Answer 16

1. Determine who among your relatives is the top dog, the one with moral authority over everyone, the one who everyone will listen to.

2. Provide that person with all the proof you have available, showing that you are in the right.

3. Get the top dog's response, whatever it may be.  If positive, congratulations.  If negative, move on.  You have a life of your own to live.  Don't cheat yourself out of that.

Don't sever ties.  In time, they'll all come around.

Answer 17

if i were you its better to go to your grand parents house personally so that they could feel your sincerity about explaining your side to them/telling them the truth about what happened.

if you can give back all the things that your grandparents give you for example your bank accnt. that she build for you. and if after all you did not convince them that you did no wrong/ betrayal well theirs nothing you can do but to move on and live a new life with your fiancee.

so if ever you go on with your new life well their is no regret that you didnt do something to fix things/clear things between you and your family.

goodluck to you. and t.c

Answer 18

Emmy Family fall outs are always the hardest and most complicated to sort out as i'm sure you already know. You have to be commended for at least trying to sort out the problem and also for being persist ant in finding a solution to your problem.

First of all 'moving on' as so many people wiil say to you is the very very last solution. Only if you have absolutely no other option available to you would i even consider going through life without having contact with your family, i wish i could practise what i preach but that'sanother story.

I would advise you to seek someone in your family who has the common ground and can listen to reason and also have a good sense of judgement, basically what you need to do is find a mediator who is in no way biased to your situation who can listen and who can offer advice to both sides of the family. Meet him/her in an environment comfortable to both of you and explain your situation how you're feeling etc.

Before you do or if you do decide to do this make sure you go through exactly what you're going to say in your defence, write down or bulletpoint everything you want to talk about so you get everything out in the open. please please please do not give up and take the easy route it may look easy at the time but in the long run, no matter what anyone has to say you will always need your family at some time down the road...''that's life''

Don't give up and good luck x  

Answer 19

BECAUSE I WANTED TO PUT MY QUESTION THERE!! AND!! =)

Answer 20

I am really sorry for all the pain you have gone through as a matter of being accused wrongly, and for so many years this has gone on. it is not fair and it is not just.

they have believed a great lie about you and have held onto it for so many years that it has poisoned their minds against you.

But take courage and take heart because nothing ever stays the same. the same way the weather always changes according to the seasons of winter, spring, summer and autumn so does the seasons of our life changes. it is the natural order of things. it might take months, days, weeks or even years but things cannot remain the same, they must always change.

a couple of years back, after my parents split up, my dad brought a new woman suddenly into our house and introduce her as his girlfriend. you can imagine how we felt(me and my two brothers)...after going through a traumatising year of quarrels of divorce and seperation and then all of a sudden, everything you knew all your life has been changed like that..like a click of a finger. anyway we grinded our teeth into a smile and bear it.. but then a week into living with us, her behaviour towards me changed. she started to insult me, be rude to me unecessarily and just basically not very nice. i complained to my dad but he was so caught in the daze of being with another woman that he never saw through the light and he always blames me. sometimes she would even cause trouble on purpose just so i would get in trouble with my dad. so me and my dad started fighting a bit more and it became so unbearable that i moved out of the house, slept at a couple of my friends houses until i went back to live in student halls at Uni(i was at uni that time).about two months after moving out, my dad called and apologized so we were back to a good relationship again. Now this was back in 2005. this woman caused so much trouble between us and our father that both my brothers moved out of the house because they just couldnt bear to live in the drama anymore.fast forward 3 years later, now in August 2008 that my father saw how evil this woman truly is and kicked her out of the house.

3 years Emmy, thats how long we had to wait for peace in this family...3 years.

So Emmy, dont give up hope. Keep sending the christmas cards and birthday cards, send them pictures of your family special moments like holidays and family outings, send them flowers and gifts...just shower them with love and kindness so it would make them realise that you are not as bad as they make you to seem. Because no matter how much family hurt you and push you away, there is a soft spot deep down in their heart that they would always have for you. You can choose and lose your friends but family are for life. it is the natural order of things. NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, THEY WOULD ALWAYS LOVE YOU.  Your gran might not admit it or even thank you for them, but when she sees her gran kids she would say thank you quietly to herself.

Emmy, dont worry, a time is coming and everything will be restored. Just have hope and keep showing them love.Trust me, it works. They would all see the truth one day.

And also say a quick prayer everyday for them.Prayer is simply just talking to God like im talking to you now. You dont have to believe in God for him to answer your prayers. He exits regardless of whether you believe in him or not. i will pray for you too. Now chin up, girl, smile and have a good day.Do your favourite thing today.

Answer 21

Try calling to see them.

Telephone again.

If all this fails write to them recorded delivery saying you are taking legal action against them for slander.

If all this fails I think you should get on with your life and forget all about them.

They always say you can chose you friends but not your family.