Neighbor's marital problems, what advice to give?

Question

I've always felt at peace to give advice or offer to help but yesterday I found myself confused and didn't know what to tell my neighbor.

She's orthodox and he's a non-practicing catholic so I'm obviously not as aware about their teachings or practices as far as religion goes. They're in their late 20s. They have a 2year old and have been married for 3years. He drinks obsessively and is out till 3am usually with his "friends" and drives home in that state.

He's rude, swears, and throws things at her and their son has begun learning temperaments and throwing things. He's constantly insulting her and says marriage is just a piece of paper. All this seems to have gotten worse when the baby was born.

I'm not an advocate for divorce at all but I do believe that marriage is about mutual love, respect and understanding and obviously a level of compatibility and priorities. I really didn't know what to suggest or how to help other than convince her to have a serious and proper talk with him, but I'm afraid even that would be hurtful to her.

What would you suggest to someone like this? She's a sweetheart and her son is just precious.

Wasalam.

Answer 1

I would advise her to seek out marriage counseling because also i do not believe in quickly divorces.  However if her husband is unable or unwilling to clean up his act, then she really needs to contemplate what is the best for her and her son.  

Answer 2

I feel for her. Find out if she's had the chat with him, and if not, then she should really think of separating from him. Or, if he talks of divorce, she should go ahead with it.

Research shows that children who have divorced and separated parents are more depressed than children whose parents stay together and hate each other.

Make your decision after that

Answer 3

Pray for them

Answer 4

Invite her to Islam and show her the true beauties and freedom and equality Islam offers women :)  

love for all, hatred for none

Answer 5

Be a good listener.  Are you a therapist?  I would stay out of it as much as possible.  Sometimes, as friends, we let our emotions get in the way, and we give advice that is not the best.  She is the one who decided to get married...she and her husband need to work out their own problems.  If she's not happy, she needs to find a way to fix it herself, it is her problem.

Answer 6

I love 1qfactor's answer.

I'm assuming, sis, that she talks to you about this, right? So,  you woudn't be going up to her and saying that she ought to get a divorce right?

Well just tell her that she's a sweetheart and she and her son deserve better. That in her reliogn and your reliogn  divorce is not advocated, but in Islam, women are treated with respect and dignity.

Tell her that she doens't need to stay married so that her son has a father figure. And if she did--- is that the kind of role model she wants for her son?

Suggest that she see her or your religious leader (since you said she is orthodox, I'm assuming sh'ed respond better to a leader as opposed to counselor) for adivce on how to deal with this.

If she does not feel safe with him, I'm sure they can offer her some refuge.

Make sure that you say to her that no matter what she deicdes, she always has you to come to. And that while the decision is ultimately up to her, you are there to support her in whatever way you can.  

Answer 7

Tell her to get a divorce and find a new man !i

Answer 8

Whatever you do. Do not force your beliefs on her. That is the last thing you want to do.

Answer 9

There is something I heard once about such situations, which I believe holds.

"If one or more of the three A's get into a marriage, it can't and shouldn't go on:

1) addiction

2)abuse

3) adultery"

It's a good idea to teach her about Islam, and the rights it gives to women.  

Answer 10

It sounds as if you are a little too involved with their relationship. No offense, but perhaps you should allow their relationship to take it's own course. I can't believe that the guy at the top of the page suggested that you should prey on her during a weak moment in a time of crisis and attempt to separate her from her husband and beliefs. These are decisions which should be made with a clear head and not taken lightly. Also, they are hers to make alone. you can be there for her if the time comes...but, you shouldn't influence her either way. Interesting to me that anyone would think that way.