Nervous about meeting my birth mom for the first time?

Question

ok, im 14 right now, but on the 8th of this month i'll be turning 15. my oldest sister has been wanting me to go visit my birthmom since last summer and i always say yea, but we didnt get to go because she's like no where to be found. so she asked me again a few days ago and i said yea. if we do find her this time, i honestly dont know what im gonna say?! i mean iv'e been adotped my entire life and i love my parents now but, i just dont know what to say to my real mom, and im a REALLY shy person so its gonna be a total mess im sure. oh, and mostly the only questin i wanna ask her is who my real father is, cause i have no clue ^-^. so i wanna ask some other questions and be open with her but i really dont know how?

Answer 1

I was also 15 when I met my mother.

Good luck to you sweetie.

Answer 2

YOUR SISTER, SHOULD  BACK OFF!  deep down you dont want too meet this women! wait till you are ready, not your sister or any one else, REMBER THIS WOMEN IS THE ONE WHO WALK AWAY!

Answer 3

I think you should wait until you're a bit older and are a little more mature to deal with the whole thing. I waited to meet my mom until I was 24. I did have my dad though and my "Mom". I'm glad I waited cause she was an idiot and I didn't like her at all. I'm glad I got to meet her and see what a loser she was and how soooo much better off I was without her in my life. I got a way better upbringing than I would have had with her. This however is a bad meeting. Yours could be great and your birth parents may be great people. I think you should definitely do it just to satisfy yourself and then get on with your life. Your "adoptive" parents are your "real" parents. They have been with you since birth and you have been molded by them and are therefore a "real" family. You say you're not sure what to ask her. That's cause you're not ready yet. When you are, you will be sure its time and there will be no doubt. My wife went thru the same thing meeting her Dad when she was 14. All she has is bad memories and doesn't really remember him as she only met him for like 2 days. She got it out of her system too but she hardly remembers him. I say wait....Hope all this rambling helps.

Answer 4

Just ask her all of the questions you have been thinking about.

It would help if you wrote down every question you want answered, however big or small.

This is a big moment in your life, take full advantage of it, and best of luck.

Answer 5

im sure she wont make you feel uncomfortable, im sure she misses and really wants to meet you too and may be feeling scared about how your going to be as well. remember she did what was best for you and you going to talk to her is just a gift in itself to her.

Answer 6

I was adopted when I was 2 months old and I have NEVER referred to my birth mother as my REAL mom because she is NOT my real mom.  My REAL mom is the woman who raised me.  I hope you are not doing this hoping to replace your real mom with the woman who simply gave birth to you.

Does your birth mother know you want to meet her?  Have you given her a say in whether or not she meets you?  Maybe she gave you up and doesn't want to see you?  Have you thought about that?

I'm not trying to be mean.  However, if my birth mother showed up on my doorstep without my consent, I would be FURIOUS!  If you haven't had any contact with your birth mother, I suggest you have someone send her a letter saying the child she gave up for adoption would like to meet her if that's okay with her.  You could be setting yourself up for a MAJOR disappointment and heartache if you show up unannounced and she rejects you or says something she wouldn't have said if she knew you were coming over.

Answer 7

Set your expectations real low.  There was a reason why she couldnt raise you. I personally dont think this is a good time. Wait a while.

Answer 8

You really have to be open and honest with your birth mother. You have a right to express how you feel and ask why she made the decision to give you up for adoption. Trust me, in meeting her will help to close the door on unresolved feelings and start the healing process of where you came from. I had a weight lifted off me when I meet my birth mother. I was able to forgive her and move on. I feel that I;m a well rounded person today, because I was able to talk with her.

Answer 9

No one can tell you, not even the people on here, can tell you how to feel about your birth mom.  You decide who she is to you.  And it's not up to you to make your adoptive parents okay with all of this.  They were adults when they adopted you.  They knew (or should have known) what they were doing.  This process is about you, not them, and not your birth mom.

I met my birth mother a few months ago.  It was frightening before I did so, but once we met, it felt normal.  I don't know if it will for you.  But just remember you are looking for information important to you.  You have a right to ask these questions.  Don't let anyone here discourage you.  And don't let either your birth mom or your adoptive parents guilt you into anything you are uncomfortable with or put pressure on you to be someone or something you're not.  Be honest with yourself and with them.  That's the only thing you can do.

Answer 10

I, too, think it might be a better idea to wait until you're older.  I am 32 and just found my b-mom.  Let me tell you, at 14 I was sooo not prepared for the emotional roller coaster.  Our reunion was good and my life with my adopted parents was good but at age 32 I still wasn't prepared.  I thought I would find her, ask her my questions and be done with it .UH UH, that is not what happened at all.  I was pretty messed up for a few weeks after I found her and talked to her the first time.  Things are good now and we are meeting for the first time next week.  you need to think really hard if you are doing this now because you want to or doing it because you feel pressured to by your sister.  Good luck..whatever you decide

Answer 11

Well always remember who your Mother is, then remember who Mom is. In your case these are two different people.

Of course you are going to ask why. That is fine she is expecting it.

Keep it together and remember that you have two super people that picked YOU from a bunch of possibilities because they said we can love that kid.

I wouldn't give your Mother a lot of accessibility to you and your life as your adopted parents however understanding they may be might get hurt, so don't do that. Just be cool about it and it will happen and keep your cool...

I'd meet mine if I had a chance

Answer 12

The ball is in her court, not yours, you owe her nothing, she owes you.  You don't need to say a word, let her do the talking.....really....sometimes being silent is best....look you have a mom already, she may be a nice addition to you life, but she isn't your mother and never will be....good luck.

Answer 13

Just take it one step at a time. Remember to breath and start keeping a journal of anything you want to ask her from now until you really do meet her so you can rememer what you wnt to say cause at that moment you may forget to even talk. Just soak it up, don't have expectations because in that moment only nature can play its course. Biologial strangers letting nature show its beauty and rhythym.

Don't ever fear reaching out for support, especially at that time, and right now in yourlife, 14 is such an age of growth, beauty, change, self discovery. When I was 14 I questioned so much about myself, who and where I came from who I looked like. Sweden( i think, or maybe denmark ) opens its records to adoptees at 13 because they feel like its so important for the adoptee to know who and where they come from at such a crucial development stage in a persons life.

( if only they'd catch on to the primal signifigace )

Reach out, and express whatever goes on inside your heart. Reunion is crazy. Healing, but outright crazy.

Answer 14

RELAX!!! she will be just as nervous as you, maybe even more. remember she was the one that made the decision, you didnt have a say. she wont know if you are angry with her.

i met my birthmother 8 years ago. now i was 28 then so i was much older than you, but i was nervous too. it turned out great. i found she was a basket case, but that was ok. it was a starting point. it was much better later on. the first time we spent a lot of time just looking at each other and hardly talking. we were both kind of in shock. now we talk and talk for hours.

you need to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. if you really are worried about conversation, jot down some questions you have, that way when you are sitting together you have something to remind you what you wanted to know and it will also kind of distract you a little, so you can get your wits about you.

i agree with some of the other answerers, you have a real mom, the one that took care of you for 15 years. my birthmother is not mom, i call her by her first name. i have a mom and my birthmother understands that.

its ok to be nervous, but dont stress about conversation, it will come or it wont. if it is weird the first time, it will get better as you get to know each other.

good luck to you and i hope your experience is a good one.

Answer 15

It could be negative, but that isnt the point a lot of the time.

I haven't met my birth mother but I met my grandad and a couple of a my aunts.

When I met my aunt for the first time, I didnt talk, I didnt say a thing, I was too busy taking in this heavenly person standing in front of me. I looked in her eyes and it was like finally, I could see myself in someone else, this woman looked like me and it wasnt because of chance, it was because she is my blood. It was the most amazing experience I have ever had. She glowed. She didnt have to say a thing, it was just seeing her that answered so many questions for me.

I asked my aunts quite a few questions, feeling a little nervous as you say and they were happy to answer.

I will meet my birth mother when I am ready...it will take a lot of courage i know, you are being very brave, but I asure you no matter what the outcome, whether she wants to know you or not, just meeting her will resolve a lot of issues for you. You will finally feel that link connect again, you feel like you belong somewhere, that you just didnt appear out of the blue, no longer isolated.

Good Luck, I am sure it will go great!

Answer 16

It doesn't truly matter what your older sister wants for you.  There's only one important question that you have to answer:

Do you want to meet your birthmother now?

You can always write first, and ask about your birthfather.

Answer 17

Just ask her anything that you want to know, if she doesn't want to be open about it there is really nothing that you can do about it. You'll be surprised though I'm sure it won't be a mess like you think it would. It is your real mother and I'm sure you'll be able to relate to her in different ways and have alot of things in common. Good luck!

Answer 18

I remember my first visit with my birth daughter, she was shy and I was ready to cry. She was a beautiful young woman, we met at a restaurant, her father and I and her adoptive Mom. It was hard because we didn't know what to say and we just stared a lot. Take a bunch of pictures with you. Meet at a public place and don't expect the moon.