New Poem, how is it?

Question

How can a train lead to the unknown on an uncompleted rail?

I hesitate every time I look away

But we can run with hands tightly grasped in one another

As that melody fades away

Maybe we could go to the sky

Maybe we could leave

Maybe we could end it all

But would it be worth it?

Like when flowers bloom in the spring

Let's spread throughout the world

Leave this endless track

And let everything just go it's path

I don't think it is that good.

Answer 1

How can a train lead to the unknown on an uncompleted rail?

-I stumble when I read this line out loud, it is awkward, but interesting.

I hesitate every time I look away -huh?

But we can run with hands tightly grasped in one another

-You cut off each others hands and are holding them in each others hands, or so this phrasing suggests. Or are they in yoru stomachs?

As that melody fades away - Cliche Cliche

Maybe we could go to the sky

- maybe we can use repetition in place of thought

Maybe we could leave

- maybe, maybe, maybe

Maybe we could end it all

- Three lines ago.

But would it be worth it?

-Cliche as punch line?

Like when flowers bloom in the spring

-Never heard that line before...Zzz.

Let's spread throughout the world

-Like a fungus

Leave this endless track

-or endless cliche

And let everything just go it's path

-What has this line got going for it, let see:

1) originality -- nope!

2) cool sounding words --nope!

3) irony -- nope!

4) deep meaning (Fleetwood Mac said it better in "You Can Go Your Own Way.") --nope!

5) It's a cheap line but it scans/rhymes -- nope!

There is no justification for writing a line without meaning, sense or beauty. You just ran out of things to say and thought this would serve as a "cap" to tell the reader the poem was over.

I am sure you can do better.

Answer 2

I think it is good, but not as good as other poems of yours I have read. Don't be discouraged by some of the comments people here make either. I never understood why there should be certain guidelines to writting poems/creating art. I hate it when people get technical about someone else's writting. If everyone wrote this "ideal" poem, they would all be the same and they would all suck! I liked this poem though and I thought it was good and I hope you keep on posting your poems. You are creative and intelligent, and if you wrote your poems like all these critics think people should write poems, they would lack your originality and creativity. Do what you love and do it the way you want to do it because that is the best way! Keep posting them!:)

Answer 3

i like it its nice about life

=]

hope this helps

read my poem plz =]

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