New Poem; 'The Dream' - would you please offer your critique?

Question

“The Dream”

As I travel the royal road….to unconscious

emancipated through flight from my needs

No places to go, nothing to do

My only destination ; reverie

The wind in my hair

An impeccable perspective

Of the lives predominantly bound…

To the realms of laborious monotony

Where you can’t hear your thoughts for the crowd

Ascend through the clouds, disquietingly

Distracted, only, by Helios’ glare

A carpet of silk lies below me

Try to look up if I dare

As my eyes widen enough for me to filter..

The image that beams through my mind

Made smaller by the first known creation

Split asunder from those on the ground

As I come to the end of my journey

The insight now planted like seed

My conscious begins to awaken

And I am left with the thought I’m deceived

For how do we define our reality?

Isn’t it our senses that see

And as I try to search for the answers

I am met with pusillanimity.

SilverTongue

(Copyright © Geoffrey Brett - 19/08/2008)

Answer 1

I really like this it speaks to all that are non theists

Answer 2

As I age I become more of a philosopher.  Is that normal?  I suppose it must be.

So delving into what is reality and why are we here and ideas like that has a great appeal to me.

I enjoyed the read and the thoughts behind it.

Answer 3

I thought  it was fantastic...

Answer 4

Awesome, great thinking and writing, i can't say any more, there's no other words for it.

Answer 5

I can tell this is NOT the work of an amateur!  I found it captivating!  Everyone can use alittle constructive criticism... but overall your flow and word usage are superb and I wouldn't change much on this!

Answer 6

This appeals to those of us who love words and philosophical musings, but even then (the sting in the tail) I feel sometimes you choose to use a four-syllable word when a much simpler one would do (or suffice, as you would say =) ).  By doing so you alienate many who would otherwise read your poem.  (I'm not saying you should dumb-down your work, just be aware of your audience a little more)

Now this is a mixed bag - some verses sing, some need some more editing.

I particularly like the first three verses, rhymically, and for their imagery.

The fourth verse, although the meter and rhyme are fine the sense is lost....what's it called? A hanging participle, or summat....it doesn't go anywhere.

Then the fifth verse

As I come to the end of my journey

With insight now planted like a seed

My conscious mind begins to awaken

And I am left with the thought, I'm deceived.

Last verse fine....and despite my opening statement, I rather like 'pusillanimity'.....do you know, there is a little Emily Dickinson in this verse!!!

I rename you Uranium Tongue  

Answer 7

interesting !! hope to hear more

Answer 8

Why is the road to the unconscious royal?  It takes guts and a willingness to face fire and pain to reach the ego and ID; sometimes it takes help because it is a filthy road, or can be.

In S 1 you are trying to reach your unconsciousness, but can it be touched by dreams?  It is the unconscious that frequently dictates our dreams, to be sure.  Once a person learns to dreaming lucidly, so that they control the dream, then perhaps they are able to go into the array of consciousness spaces.  This stanza is strong; I only question your ability to persuade me that I can reach this place as well, or that it exists.

Your S 2 is magnificent.  The beauty flows until L4 {{To the realms of laborious monotony}}, but is recaptured in L5. In Line 4 I can see rows of cubicles with everyone at the desk, working on their computer or on the phone -- this is impeccable, it is perfect.

S3, L3 -- I literally saw a flying carpet; had to reread it several times to bypass the imagery. The silk carpet -- at first I saw the author flying on it, then I realized it was the world below.  I may have missed something important here because L4 {{Try to look up if I dare}} seemed odd since I was still in the clouds with the sun on my back flying on a carpet.

S4, L1; what is the purpose of the ". ." at the end of the line?  I do like this stanza and the way you show the first two creations (earth and sun) being divided from one another. How wonderful it is that we are split asunder since the magnetosphere protects us from Coronal Mass Ejections (solar flares) -- the creations of earth and sun perfect.

S 5 & 6 -- very interesting. How could one who has taken this journey within and without ever be timid?  Or would one who took a trip (acid or whatever) such as this truly be cowardly -- I don't know what others would feel.  I've taken the journey, but always with help; the more you work your way through, the more you understand yourself -- and this is just life.

Excellent work; write more!

T.

Your poem is powerful, exotic, intriguing, and one questions lingers: S 6 L 1 -- For how do we define our reality?

Answer 9

some of this was over my head, I had to look a few words up, but it really doest matter if you understand the meaning behind the poem, really great work ST

Answer 10

laborious monotony does sum it up superbly, i'm sorry to say..

Answer 11

Pussillanimity, new word for me. Can you define it for me, please?

and good old Sigmund..that was one of his better quotes ..nuff said.

Thanks for that definition -  it gives me a better idea of the whole last line.

very nice

Answer 12

I admire your aspirations here-- you embark on a journey into the center of self through poesies, which is admirable.  However, I think that you need to play the imagistic and metaphorical cards a little closer to the chest.  Your poem is explicit; I think that a little more subtlety would benefit meaning.  Don't tell me that you're traveling the road to the unconscious.  Show me, show me through your diction, your images, your allusions.  As a member of the "laborious monotony" below, I think that I should be kept in the dark a while longer, while you sing of your journey and its less than desirable, rather ponderous ending, or rather the intellectual beginning in a sense.

Also, I take issue with three elements of your craft.  First, "royal road" strikes me as a forced alliteration with little effect.  Why is the road to the depths of my soul royal, institutionalized, authoritative?  I think that the road of which you speak is more personal.

Second, I can't say that the ellipsis is doing much for your rhythm.  The caesura that you're after I assume is to transport the reader to your transcendental plane.  However, the break is just kind of jolting.  If you want to lead me, lead me with images, something I can better appreciate rhythmically and thematically.

Finally, the last stanza leaves me a bit cold.  I want a revelation akin to that in Frost's poetry: cryptic, dark, beautiful.  You conclude a rich poem (your second stanza is nothing less than inspired) with a cliche, a rhetorical question that reads like "and the moral of the story is..."  Let me interpret your meaning, don't spoon feed me.

Again, I want to thank you for this fantastic piece.  It's thought-provoking, lush, and utterly enjoyable.  Keep up the great work and I hope that my comments are helpful.

Answer 13

Colbert's analysis seems more like a demonstration of his own vocabulary than an expression of the message and form of the poem.

You have talent for meter and description. My only advice would be to tighten it up a bit, eliminating words like "and" and "as" which lengthen the lines without adding power to the poem

I like this poem very much.

Answer 14

I pretty good poem, just completely disinteresting to me. it won't sell any soap.

Answer 15

A wee bit too ponderous and contrived for my taste....

Answer 16

Bravo!

I like it a great deal... especially the second (?) stanza (even though I write poetry, I know very little about it structurally/academically...)

Pusillanimity is a new word to me as well, so I'm happy to have added it to my list :)

Keep up the great work!

(Sorry it took me so long to get here  I'm in between homes and only one place has internet)