New Poem I wrote!! Kinda dark, tell me what you think!!!?

Question

Waking from a horrid dream

Letting out a bloodshot scream

Sweat dripping from my face

Happy my limbs are in place

Creaking from the wooden floor

Heading toward the bedroom door

Breathing heavily I start to run

The horrid dream had just begun

Now I begin to drown in fear

As the shadow approaches near

Looks my fear straight in the eye

Then lets out a piercing cry

Coldness takes me over as I fall

The shadow drags me to the wall

It looks at me and starts to laugh

As it tears my shaking leg in half

To shocked to scream I start cry

As a darker shadow passes by

Shadows coming from all around

Hold my body to the ground

They show no mercy they want to kill

I feel no pain, just a chill

Answer 1

Not bad.

I would change the syllables in a few lines. Most of them are 7 or 8.

First line: Breathing heavily i start to run----this needs one less syllable. 'With heavy breath I start to run" would be more rhythmic.

The other line is Coldness takes me over as i fall. This line breaks the rhythm a bit too. Maybe changing it to 'Coldness takes me as i fall' would be better

Another line is 'As it tears my shaking leg in half.' one syllable too many here. Maybe 'Tearing my shaking leg it half' would be better for the rhythm.

Other than that is a good poem. Gotta love the dark stuff. I write too. It's always great isn't it?

Answer 2

It seems I could hear a little Edward Allen Poe in there. This poem sounds similiar to his style.

As I mentioned before, you're good with words. It was frightening and I really got a good mental picture. Which I may not have wanted to have. That was scary.  

Answer 3

i really lyked it! u should try to get it published or somethin, and u definatly need to wright more!  

Answer 4

I like it!its cool!

Answer 5

Love it! love it! love it!!

Write some more and get published !

what is your inspiration for this I wonder?  :)