New baby is adopted- family can't hold baby?

Question

My brother and his wife recently adopted a baby from Asia. The baby is about 10 months old and has been living with my brother and his family for a month or two.

They told us we were not allowed to hold the baby because of the adoption and social worker's rules. Could this be accurate? Or are they being difficult?

Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

I have never heard of this.  However, it does sound like one of the "bonding techniques" that some adoptive parents employ.  Some of those techniques sound a bit strange to me....as does your description that no one else is permitted to hold this child.

Answer 2

Some people feel this is necessary for Bonding they probably made up that it is the Social Worker's Rule to eliviate problems. Let them have their time. Some people do this.. we said no one else fed for the first one... than when we adopted our second we knew she would bond in her own time. They probably are just nervous parents afraid their child won't bond. In a few months you will have your time.

Answer 3

The thing kiki posted said it  was for the first few weeks, I can sort of understand that  but the poster says they have had her baby  for a month or two.

Answer 4

I have never heard of that. Maybe they are scared the baby will take to you better. Which might happen but that's with all children. I never thought to hard on bonding. My son had not saw his son for a couple of weeks in 2006 due to the adoption agency hidding the child for 16 months and then after the start of the court battle he was finally able to see his son the little boy went right to my son. I'm not sure becasue they look a lot alike or the fact that somehow the baby knew that they were somehow bonded ? get's me. Just do what your brother thinks is best and things will work out.

Answer 5

They are not being 'difficult' as so many hear seem to think.

There is no law against you holding the child but it is my guess they felt like they had to make up such a story so you wouldn't be upset about not getting to hold the baby.

When dealing with an adopted child that is placed with you months or years after birth it is highly recommended that only the parents hold and care for the child. This is done to promote bonding and so the child can begin to realize who the parents are. If everyone is allowed to hold, comfort, feed, change, etc the child then everyone is seen as the caregiver in the child's eyes. The newly adopted child needs to be able to tell who is going to be there day in and day out to meet their needs.

When we adopted our daughter from China I was fully prepared to restrict who held her and such. We got lucky though as she quickly came to only her father and I for comfort and to meet her needs. I did keep all visits just to our home though and would not go into other houses as I needed her to realize where home was now.

So please respect their wishes. It sounds like they were well prepared and educated themselves on bonding and attachment issues.

Answer 6

We have friends that have recently adopted as well from a foreign country.

I have a feeling that what they told you is not a "rule" from the agency but a "suggestion" that they want to take seriously. Telling you it's a rule just makes it easier for them to ask you not to hold the baby just yet.

Here's why: Our friends were told that these children have had SO many different caregivers and now they need to bond and have time to learn to trust and connect with their new mom and dad. Our friend was told it would be best if she didn't return to work for 6 months because the baby would bond with her babysitter. They didn't even take the baby (18 months) to church for many months and just stayed home to let everyone connect and really gain trust before moving on to other people in their lives.

Give them time. :)

Answer 7

They either misunderstood or they are being difficult. There is no reason for family members not to hold the baby, although I would agree that having too many new people around the baby at the same time is likely to upset him/her.

Answer 8

I think your brother and his wife are referring to recommendations with regard to bonding in infant adoptions.  

There is a school of thought that suggests that for an adopted infant to best bond with the adoptive parents, for a time, the only ones to feed/hold the infant should be the adoptive parents.

Answer 9

there being difficolt because I hold my uncles adopty all the time there just afriad you ganna drop the baby there is nothing stopping you from holding the kid except them

Answer 10

Until the adoption is final, which can take several months after the child is in the US to happen, you'll have to abide by wishes.  It is hard to believe, however, in international adoption, the stress on a child is tremendous.   In addition to sometimes never having been held, just to be held and loved, it can be scary for them, and also, they are having to adjust to time difference, cultural and language differences, and totally new people in their life.  Also, it is important for the parents to bond, and not anyone else at this particular point.  You might have to face the fact that this baby might not ever adjust to just being cuddled the way most babies do.  Good luck, and try every other way to love this child, even if it means respecting it's territory and the social workers.

Answer 11

I don't know if its really a rule, but perhaps a suggestion. When we took our classes to foster/adot they said when a baby comes from an orphange they have not bonded with one or two certain adults. Like a child to his parents. They recommended that for the first few months only the parents hold, feed, and change the baby as they needed the baby to bond with parents. They baby needed to learn that he could count on and trust certain adults. Where most babies create that bond at birth.

Answer 12

If you're in the US this makes no sense.  Once the child is adopted it is theirs, that's what adoption is. i have never heard of any such thing. Sounds like they're being weird.

Answer 13

I would have to agree with another answer - it was probably more of a "suggestion" than a "rule" - but one they have taken to heart. They may have decided to present it as a rule because they assumed if they did not, the family would argue with them.

It is probably best to respect their wishes. This baby has been through A LOT, and it is really important for this baby to establish a bond with your brother and his wife. Her/his life has been turned upside down, and the last thing s/he needs is to be passed from person to person (however loving and well-meaning that family is). It is a STRONG suggestion for parents who have newly adopted to not let the child be overwhelmed with meeting the new family and friends. Your intentions may be good, but they aren't just being difficult - they are doing what they think is best for their new child. A month or two is not that long, and regardless of how you may feel about the baby - to her/him, you are more new strangers.  It is actually quite common for newly adopted parents to make this "rule" for themselves.

Please know that they don't mean it as something personal to you. They have more than likely done much reading and studying on attachment, and are following the advice of many professionals. As the new family becomes more accustomed to each other, more attached to each other - it will be time for the rest of the family to step in. Adopting a baby isn't the same as if this was a child born to your brother and his wife, there are a lot of things that will be different. The best thing you could do - for them and their new child - is to take a step back, or perhaps ask THEM what it is that they need from you and the rest of the family.

Good luck, and congratulations on your new niece or nephew!

Answer 14

I think this is an excuse to make it easier on them. However I think they have a good reason not to let you hold the baby right away. The bonding process can be a little different when children are adopted after about six months or so. You want to have as much mommy and daddy time for bonding  as possible, and a lot of people do recommend not having others hold the baby at first. It is really to help the baby adjust to its new environment, rather than a way to keep you out of the child's life. I'm sure once they feel the bonding is well established they will let you hold the child.

Answer 15

Adopting a baby who has lived in an institution and had many different caregivers requires parents to parent differently, and your brother and his wife are doing a very good job trying to foster attachment.  See, since this baby has lived with many other children and had many caregivers, this baby doesn't understand the concept of family, that there is a Mommy and a Daddy that will always be there for him or her.  The baby needs to learn this.  It is important that your brother and his wife take time to be the only ones to take care of him so that he or she learns that they are the special people called Mommy and Daddy that he or she should trust and depend on beyond all others.  It would have perhaps been easier on you if they had explained their need to do this and asked for your understanding ahead of time.  But, please, for the baby's sake, let them have time to bond as a new family.  It really is important.  You will have the rest of your lives to be a special person in your niece or nephew's life.

eta:  It isn't a "rule".  They aren't going to lose the baby if they let someone hold it.  They are telling you that the social worker recommends this for the child's attachment.  They are telling you this so you know it is professionally recommended to do what they are doing.  Our social worker told us to tell our family that we were told by her not to let anyone hold they baby, too.  But, we explained the reason why to family members.  We did let extended family hold her the first 2 days when meeting her, then we settled in for a couple of months awhile to just bond as a family.  Then, even though we let people hold her, we made sure we were the ones to respond to crying, that we were the ones to feed her, etc.  We still needed to be the only ones to meet her needs for a long time.  Anyway, sorry to ramble, just wanted you to understand what they are doing and why.

Answer 16

well, if they buy into "adoptee bonding with Aparents" ...

that's actually a line of bull.  an adoptee can not bond with people it is not born to.

Answer 17

That is recommended in order for the child to bond with the parents and lessen the stress of having a new family.  Here's some more info.  Read no. 2

http://www.rainbowkids.com/ArticleDetail...

Answer 18

I don't know of any rules, but it may have been a recommendation as a way to help the baby bond.

Answer 19

Jennifer L is correct.  Many who adopt older babies (non new borns) research about attachment bonding.  The theory is until the child is firmly attached to the parents no other friends or family should hold the child.  I can see where this would be upsetting to the family and friends who are so excited to meet the new family member.  It is not a requirement by the agency or social worker (although the social worker may have discussed attachment bonding with the APs)  and when you adopt from China or other Asian countries your adoption is finalized in country at a US embassy or consulate prior to travel back to the USA.  It does not take months or weeks to finalize.  When you adopt from China you are there 2 weeks and it is final prior to returning to the US.

ETA but even though you are finalized the CCAA requires follow up reports for 6 months to a year post finalization so yes the SW is still visiting with the family.

Answer 20

They are being difficult.  I have an adopted child and I have never heard that before.  They may be afraid that the baby will form bonds with someone other then themselves.

Answer 21

no that isnt true. if the adoption is final, then they are legal guardians, and make all the rules. blessings

Answer 22

We dont know if the agency rules said that or not,  but either way, respect their wishes. It is a huge adjustment for them.

Answer 23

It sounds to me like a miscommunication of the worker's rules.

Family that are not homestudied or background checked are not allowed to KEEP the child while the baby isn't legally adopted...but holding...like I said, I think they've misunderstood...unless there is an issue of potential attachment disorder with the child and the parents have to be the complete caregiver to the child (meaning no one else even holding the baby until it begins to bond).

Answer 24

I'm not sure there are any rules. When the child arrives in this country the adoption is final. Sounds like they are trying to tactfully say that they need time to bond with the child. Easier to sat it's the rules than to say we said. Respect thier wishes. There's plenty of time for extended family later.Offer your support, they'll be looking for babysitters soon enough. Congratulations to the family.

Answer 25

If the baby has been adopted then there is no longer any social worker or agency involvement.   Either way, it's their wishes and I think they should be respected although I don't believe their "excuse" for one minute and don't understand any reasoning behind it.

Answer 26

it could be accurate,call to make sure.

Answer 27

Hi Lolamola,

I agree with Stephanie G. and Wholelottacats.  Just be thankful you aren't related to me. lol  Seven months and we still haven't taken our daughter to church, mall etc.  We are still easing her into things and following her lead.  Its all about the child as it should be, there will plently of time later for you to hold and love your little niece or nephew.  Congrats.