New bio-moms who have step-kids, don't you hate it when...?

Question

Your step-children tell you that you are spoiling your baby too much? Your in-laws gripe about how much stuff you buy for your baby? Does your husband get upset with you for 'spoiling' your only child, with your own money, not spending a penny of his?

I had my first child in April of this year. I used a lot of my own money to buy him things that babies need. I was told (not in a bad way) by my 12 year old stepdaughter that I buy too many things for my son. My inlaws make comments to my husband about how the other kids never got the things my son is getting. I think they fail to realize that I'm not using his money to buy these things but the money I earned myself. Also add to my problem that my family lives in another country on the other side of the world. Drives me batty that I'm being judged because of how I choose to treat my son. It's not my problem that my husband's exwife has four kids to split her money up for between while I only have one.

Answer 1

Ohhhh I know what you mean.....here is my theory on this........My inlaws had to raise their children very frugally, and still practice this lifstyle today even though theres no need for them to.......smart in a way yes!!!! BUT when I want to get my kids this or that or pay this much for that ect. my mil would say something passive aggresive like " well I never did that for my kids " or  " my kids were justr fine w/out that, they don't need it " or  "you can get that just as good at a yard sale" Don't get me wrong I'm not spoiled and I yard sale and such, but there are certain things I want new, or new things that I'd like to have that my husband didn't get while being raised........sometimes I wonder if she's jealous that we can give our kids all this stuff idk??? But I say buy what you want, some of it yes will end up being a waste of your $$, and some things you will enjoy having or using!!! And no your husbands ex. having 4 kids is her prob.

Answer 2

I don't at all agree with Newly Wed that said you were a ***** and that the money was communal property - that is not true. It was up to your husband and his ex to provide for their kids when they were babies (and still is for the most part, they are still the parents, you are the step parent) and just because they did not have a lot of toys or bouncy chairs or whatever then doesn't mean you should not have the right to buy those things for your baby. I mean what kind of logic is that - his other kids didn't have a lot growing up so you have to bring your son up with nothing either just to not offend anyone? That just isn't your problem, it belongs to your husband and his ex. Not to say your step kids should feel neglected and all the money be spent on the baby and nothing on them, but I don't think that is what is happening here. You have the right to add extra focus on your one child (he deserves it!!) just as your husband needs to focus on all five... The other children already have a mother that dotes on them exclusively. And just ignore the in-laws. Hard I know, but do try...

Answer 3

my oldest son is not my husbands child and we have 2 other kids. The babies get things that as a single parent I could not afford to get for my 10 yr old. The thing is you need to treat those kids as equals to your son while they are with you. You  chose to marry someone with kids probably knowing that you would have kids of your own. You can't let them develop a resentment to you or the baby because it will cause them to put a gap between themselves and their dad. My husband treats all of our kids the same and never lets the older kid feel that he is less important then his siblings. Try to remember that they are only there every 2 weeks how hard would it be to make them feel part of this new family unit. Also those kids are blood relatives of your baby and he may want to know them some day give him that opportunity.

Answer 4

I don't think that you are in the wrong here.  Everyone wants to give their child things that are special.  But I am a firm believer that an infant can't really be spoiled too much.  And a baby swing can be a life saver for a parent!  

Whenever anyone says anything about you getting your son baby things, simply remind them that you are spending money that you earned and that they aren't things that are going to spoil him.

As far as your step kids are concerned.  If they live with you then it may become a problem but from the sounds of things they live with their mother, so why should you have to buy them things the same as your own child.

We all want to 'spoil' our children a little bit and give them things, especially new mothers.  I know I did, even though I do have a stepdaughter.  

I know what you're going through though.  This is your first child.  Despite the fact that you have stepchildren (or a stepchild) this is your actual child and there is a difference.  Anyone that says that you're selfish has obviously never been through this.  I have and there is a huge difference in the feelings between a mother and her real child and a woman and her stepchildren.

Answer 5

To me it isnt a matter of how much your son gets, its a matter of keeping it fair between the 2 kids. Of course a baby is going to need more then a 12 year old is for a while, and sure, the 12 year old still has her mom in her life, but it sounds to me like you havent had the 12 year old in your life long enough, or havent made enough effort (one of the two) to bond with her, go ahead and buy the baby whatever you want, but dont leave the other child out.

I have a  9 year old daughter from my first marriage,and my husband ant i just had a baby ( hes 8 months old now) and my husband would never show favoritism, and if he buys for one he buys for both.But, he has been here since daughter was 4 and they have bonded really well.

if she doesnt live with you thats a whole different story, and as far as getting mad over you buying your baby a swing, she will just have to get over it, babies need things. of COURSE youre going to buy more for him , especially if she isnt there all the time...her home life with her mother is up to them, if her mother doesnt buy her much, then so be it. maybe she should be working instead of what sounds like setting and drawing support from several different fathers.  you just keep doing what youre doing and be good to the daughter what time she is there, if its only every couple of weeks its no big thing anyhow, and you wont have to listen to her very often.

Answer 6

Sounds like you are a b***h. Your step kids are part of your family now too and your money is community property between you and your husband as is his. Also, it is his kid too so he should have some say in how it is raised. It sounds like you don't feel connected to your own family, only to your son. Get a grip and realize that the rest of them are your family too. Don't make your step kids feel like second class citizens in your home.

Answer 7

Nothing wrong with doting on baby, as long as your stepkids aren't feeling left out... However, ask yourself this: if you were the one with the kids from a previous relationship, that were your husband's stepkids, and then he doted only on the new baby with 'his money,' would it bother you? Somehow, I'm betting it would... Things seem different, when reversed.

*edited* I don't think you should be 'expected' to, but, you do seem awfully bitter, which is going to show itself to your stepkids, and cause resentment towards your baby... Yes, their mother is supposed to get things for them, but it's also a nice gesture when you do it. :)

Answer 8

Thats a hard one. I understand why you do this but obviously your step children may have gone through some hard times... I think you should try to keep it fair, just think how they feel..

They are part of your family now too. When you married your husband you agreed to that.

Answer 9

Awe, don't feel bad. This is your very first maternal child that you love with all your heart. You deserve to enjoy every stage of his life, and buy him the things he needs. This is an exciting time for you in your life, and you should enjoy every minute of it. Your son needs you. I would tell your in-laws that you buy him things he needs with your own money. Tell them this is your first baby of your own, and you're just excited about it. If they still don't listen, don't even think twice about it. It's just going to stress you out. Just ignore it and realise they are not seeing the inside perspective. Your husbands children have their own Mom who should be contributing and buying them things. You give them what you can but remember, they have a Mom too.

Just relax and ejoy your baby, and ignore people's ignorance. In-laws can be a B*tch!! I know!:)

Answer 10

I had a step mom like you and I hated her...she made me and her son's (my half brothers) grow up resenting each other...I think its more that YOU are the one jealous of them so you buy YOUR son tons of things to throw it in their faces....very sad from a grown woman....lets hope you are not in their moms place one day and its YOUR son's feelings being hurt....

Answer 11

In all honesty, it sounds like you are not treating everyone in the family equally, and that is a big problem.  It doesn't matter who's money you spend, if it's not shared equally between ALL of you children, then someone is going to feel jealous and left out.  I understand that you think your son is a special circumstance because he is your biological son, but when you get married to someone with children of his own, you take those children in as your own as well.

Try this instead.  Each time you buy something for your son, buy something for your other step children as well.

Answer 12

As the mom of step children, I can relate, however, I was never much for a lot of "stuff" when my kids were born.

Because I did marry a man with another child, I did consider the feelings of the oldest sibling and did refrain from lots of baby trappings and such without including him as well.

Something you may want to consider it the resentment that can result in buying so much for your kid and the appearance of being unfair with his older siblings. These kinds of things can cause those older siblings to resent their brother and you need to ask yourself if your indulgence (of what is clearly YOUR issue and not your child's) is worth the animosity they may feel toward your son.

I am 40 years old and have a step son ( or I still consider him my step son...even though his dad and I are divorced) who is 28. My own son is 18 and just graduated from high school this spring. I also have four other bio daughters. (with one on the way)  My son and step son are now living together and working for the same company. They did not grow up together because of custody issues between my ex husband and his other ex wife, but they have formed a brotherly bond that is extremely important to both of them. THAT is something that I wanted my bio kids to have with my step son....a sibling relationship into adulthood.

I know that when I had another son last year, who died when he was three days old, my oldest son (the 18 year old) took it very very hard. I know he could envision the relationship he would have had with that baby, even though they were only genetically half brothers.

Ask yourself about how important the relationship of family is for your son and subsequent children. Is it worth it to make your step children resent your child due to your actions?

Answer 13

That would really bother me. I have a 9 years old step daughter, and can relate. Although it my situation isn't as extreme as yours sounds, I understand how frustrated you may feel. This is your first baby, you should be able to be excited and spoil your baby all you want to. As long as you aren't treating your step children bad then I don't see the problem. I am sure his ex-wife was really excited about her first and went above and beyond to make everything perfect. I agree it isn't your problem that she has all those other kids and can't afford to spend as much as your can on your one (my husband's ex has 5..only 1 is his). You only brought one child into this world, and that is your baby. Don't let people make you feel bad for being a responsible good mother!