New poem, what do you think?

Question

These walls were built to keep you out, though now they keep me in,

I find my own shouts cannot pierce the walls, with time grown less thin,

Braced by these two hands

The key is lost, by some stray wave – with it my soul too swam away,

And now I find my heart has gone, for with my soul it also strayed

To follow yours until your grave

I think the second stanza came out much better than the first so im still working on the first part... constructive criticism is always nice.

Answer 1

But is most nice your poem. I promise you.

To be a poem, maybe have some rhyme. I could say that is a prose-poem. But is right I like so much your text.

I´m from Mexico City, but just comming here some many times to take a look in that category in your country. It´s too diferent here, because the spanish version includes EVERY Latin America, and so you could obtain answers like you don´t have idea.

Saludos desde México de alguien DeMENTE.

Answer 2

good, but the 2nd line of the 1st stanza is a little shaky ("with time grown less thin") and kinda confusing.  Also, the last line of the 1st stanza needs some work, it doesn't flow.  The "with it my soul too swam away" on the 1st line of the 2nd stanza needs some work too.  Otherwise, it's a good start.

Answer 3

Try breaking up the lines like this:

"These walls were built to keep you out,

Though now they keep me in,

I find my own shouts cannot pierce the walls,

With time 'they've' grown less thin,

Braced by these two hands.

The key is lost, by some stray wave –

With it my soul too swam away,

And now I find my heart has gone,

For with my soul it also strayed

To follow yours until your grave"

That makes it easier to read, but I really like it, I made one change in the first stanza, I inserted the word they've. Keep working on it, I'd really like to see the final copy. :D

<3

~an average girl

Answer 4

I think it's an idea worth working on. I like the first part where it says that you built a wall to protect yourself, but it came to be your prison, nice. Keep working on it, and re-post it again next time.