New poem! about being bitter?

Question

please give me input, i'm not very good at this!

this one rhymes!!

Oh you walk through the halls

like you own them

It's so disgusting and pathetic

how you control him

and you wear the hottest clothes

they must've cost so much money

trading in your brains for beauty

i'd never let them do that to me

your college essay is senseless

and you sit here and laugh at the nerds

go ahead apply more makeup

at least they can do what they need to be heard

you will rot at 45

with a rich husband, his secretary's easy

you will hate your children,

cause makeup never worked on anyone so sleazy

he's so much more amazing

than you play him out to be

you are being such a b*tch

and his clouded eyes can't see

you won't quit running your mouth

i'm gonna cut your tongue right out

i'm a small girl who's only vicious

and you couldn't win one fight precious

I know, for sure you are the best

everyone's dying to be yours

but how unbelievable that i'm better

and it's hard to be better than the rich wh*res

Answer 1

I absolutely love it! I think you have a real talent. I adore the last four stanzas.

It's fantastic, keep it up! Can't wait to read more!

Answer 2

Hi, Helloronii.

    I must be honest with you, friend... I liked your previous poem much more.  The rhymes in this one are very loose... I guess just very much more so than I expected from your introductory statement.  Loose rhymes can be okay, if that is the style you are aiming for -- I just wasn't expecting it.

    The sentiment of this poem is accurate to the title -- bitterness -- but remember, bitterness is never a good thing.  It is very unhealthy, laying around the back of one's mind like some great, deep pool of virulent acid that burns you every time you accidently step in it.  Take my advice:  Drain the pit.  Get rid of the acid.  It will make life much happier.

    Finally, there is your use of apostrophes: "*" never fooled anyone, especially when it's only wiping out one middle letter.  Perhaps it would be better if you replaced the whole word.  Use a synonym, perhaps.  Or wipe the whole word out with a * for each letter (which will definitely get your sentiment across!  Particularly when the missing word rhymes with "yours"!)

    Anyway, those are my thoughts.  So I liked your earlier poem better -- I still look forward to seeing more from you!

barjesse37

Answer 3

GOOD ONE... YOU SHOULD HAVE THAT PUBLISHED. I LIKE THE ONE ABOUT CUTTING THE TONGUE RIGHT OFF... BITTER? NOT HARDLY, YOU ARE TALKING REALITY... GLAD YOU POSTED THIS. ITS GREAT, GOT ANYMORE? lol

GOOD LUCK

Answer 4

that is so amazing!  =) u r very talented!! and this is all so very true!!! lol!

good job!! =)keep it up!

♥