New poems...need opinions on it. thnx?

Question

SONG FOR THE DEMENTED

Everyday I'm alive,

Everybody dies.

Every time we look inside,

just another reason to hide.

We all look through the glass eye.

No reason to lie.

The world spins me around.

Jesus steps down,now I'm wearing the crown.

Just sitting around,

waiting to decompose,a scapegoat to others' confounds.

Now I look like a clown,

with this horrible frown.

Don't we all like the greenest grass?

another hollow reason to last.

I watch my mind loses control,

a super - ego - ballistic troll.

I struggle for demise,

by playing cat and mice.

Your faces start to rot,

with all of your fibbing clots.

Hear my heart go tick,

well, i don't seem that sick?

The wall are closing in,

another reason to grin.

Answer 1

Most interesting

Answer 2

you've got some good ideas but your expression of them is so crude that they seem very shallow. Crudeness can become punchy in poetry but your use of it is comes across as simply ignorant. There are a lot of lines being forced into fitting the rhymes making the flow of your poetry decrepit.

Answer 3

Its good but a but a better title will be better

you dont really have to consider my answer