New poems. plz give you opinons, dislike or likes ...thnx?

Question

SUICIDE ANGEL

I let my Angels die,

while my demons climbed,

to the surface of this crippled soul of mine.

I watched the world fall into this black hole,

I helped dig.

I bit the apple of these golden seeds,

and watch these beast breed.

They ripped my eyes, So I couldn't see,

what they were doing to me.

They wouldn't let me be.

I bite the apple,

to watch me grow

and spit the seeds,

only to watch me bleed.

I am a prisoner of this flawless land.

While the righteous tyrants live so grand.

Powerless, my mind loses command.

The sanity clock ticks.

It strikes twelve,my mind plays tricks.

I'm pointing the finger,

but three are pointing back, i linger.

Try to take a grasp of reality,

but there's no going back to this world full of brutality.

I'm not going to let me win.

I bite the apple,

to watch me grow

and spit the seeds,

only to watch me bleed.

(cont. VVVV)

Answer 1

full of bitterness, disappontments perhaps, or just being nega.. lol

good one, in fairness... you can improve your style perhaps, or explore other interesting topics... can make a song out of it... rock music / hate music will suit it, basing from the wordings...

take care of subject-verb agreements and / or tenses

> i watchED THESE beastS breed (u initially used past tense, so be consistent-- at least for the first three stanzas; these beasts -- self-explanatory)

> unnecessary vs necessary capitalization

> bite -- BIT (third stanza)

lol, i'm a teacher, i can't help but correct some few things... minimal corrections only... :P

Answer 2

scream out loves name in vain,

erase the pain again,

angels crying blood wow

angels bleeding tears wow

WOOT this poem reminds me of thomas the tank engine in his teenage years WOOT

Answer 3

You have some good ideas in this poem, if only you executed it better. The whole flow is ruined by certain sentences and full stops etc.

take this Stanza for example

"I am a prisoner of this flawless land.

While the righteous tyrants live so grand.

Powerless, my mind loses command.

The sanity clock ticks.

It strikes twelve,my mind plays tricks."

This would work alot better if it went someting like....

I am a prisoner of this flawless land

While the righteous tyrants live so grand

Powerless as my mind loses command

The sanity clock continuously ticks

It strikes twelve while my mind plays tricks