No, she didn't!!!? The guest from h**l 2?

Question

For those following the drama... and some recap. Bear with me on the long lethany:

My BM "C" was not been answering my calls etc. etc. etc. and I basically had to give her an ultimatum about her participation in the wedding. She confirmed her participation 3 weeks before the wedding, but kept otherwise mum. She has had some personal turmoil with divorce, a stalking boyfriend that I can't stand and financial difficulties. Being a symphatetic friend, I offered to pay for part of her travelling expenses AND her hotel bill to help her out because I care for her. I susoected her silence had to do with her "boyfriend" that I hate.

I called her yesterday to ultimate details about travel etc. and she annouced that her son will not be in attandance, but "since she already RSVP for 2" she will be bringing her "boyfriend". This is is a menace to society and is classless beyond any human comprehension. He's brute, uneducated, crass and has no social skills, no job, no drivers license and has a criminal record. I'm BEYOND shocked and appalled by such imposition and such little notice. I'm having an upsacle wedding in Mass, my guests are all sophistacated, educated professional people and certainly none of us are used to such people. This guys is a dangerous person and she confided in my that she's scared for her safety and that she's affraid that is she doesn't take him he will either show up anyway and cause a scene or worse still, injure her or her child in retaliation. I truly care for her and symphatize and I'm beyond myself with this.

She said that she will control him and that he will not drink and he's been 'warned" about his behavior (they argue constantly in public, it's awful, he's jealos, insecure, violent etc. etc.) and that she can "assure" me that he will be in his best behavior.

I'm scared, shocked and hurt, but most importantly, I fear for her life. At this point I'm truly concerned about her safety. I told her so and she knows my position. I'm put in the position of having to deal with this individual on my wedding day,and paying for his tab too!!!!! I'm paranoid about this guy and embarrased!! I even had to tell the venue about this because he has been known to steal too. aarghhh!

What would you do?????

PS/ For the bride that asked earlier about "people inviting themselves" to her wedding... se what being nice gets you????

Answer 1

I would have a talk with her and explain that it wouldn't be fair to you and the rest of the guests to be subjected to this one person who is known to be a menace. If she can't make it on her own or with her son, I guess she would have to stay home. I understand that you mean well and you want to help your friend, but you cannot help someone who is not willing to help themselves; if she would rather stick with a guy who cannot mix well with other people, she will find herself more and more isolated - and it is her choice, not yours. To me, the comfort of many outweighs the comfort of one at the expense of everyone else.  

Answer 2

My strongest suggestions would be to hire a security guard or small security detail.  Most are off duty officers.  That way is he gets out of hand, it can he handled and he can be pointed out ahead of time and kept an eye on.

As for him being, well him, since telling her no to bringing him at this point will not work, just let him come and be careful whom you seat them with.  

Answer 3

Oy. That is quite the situation you've got there.

I would simply uninvite him. I know that's totally rude to take back an invitation. Just explain to her that you cannot deal with that kind of stress on your wedding day. Say the original invitations was for her son, so you conceded, but you can't make an exception for her boyfriend. She sounds like she's understanding, so she'll probably be ticked off at first, and then get over it. You could also say, "We're only inviting people we've personally met because we want to maintain the small, intimate feel."

Say whatever you have to say to prevent him from coming, and get her some help. That's a whole other story, though.

Answer 4

i hate to tell you but there is nothing you can do for her.  until she makes up her mind there is absolutely nothing you can say or do.  maybe say something in regards to the safety of her son, but she doesn't seem to worry about anyone else.  i hate to say it but for the sake of a sane wedding day maybe you need to talk to her about not bringing him.  she knows he's an ***; she should expect it.  he probably put her up to it for a free vacation from the jailhouse.  she probably knows better, but is trying any way since he told her to.  

Answer 5

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this drama at all, let alone so close to your wedding :(

When I was younger, I was also the victim of an abusive relationship. I have since learned that abusive men are all alike ~ it's like they all read the same phycho manual on how to bahave.

Anyhow, I don't blame you for telling "C" that her boyfriend is not invited ~ but be prepared for her to either not show w/out him, or for him to come anyway. Chances are, your friend was looking forward to a brief escape from him & her other troubles and I am willing to bet that he invited himself. Even though she says she will "uninvite" him if he starts his BS, I doubt she will. If she had the confidence to stand up to him ~ well, you woundn't be on Y!A venting about this right now.

It was smart of you to warn the event staff. You may want to also confide in some men who will be able to keep an eye on him & intervene quickly if things start to look as if they are getting out of control.

Finally, I know this is the hardest thing to do ~ but try to go easy on your friend. Again, I know from experience how horrible & humilating it is to be in her position. Trust me ~ she knows that she has upset you, dissapointed you & is causing conflict on your wedding day. For her to do this to her friend ~ you know that she must really be in a bad postion at home with this pathetic excuse of a man.

Often, the worse part of abuse is the psychological part of it. It is impossible to explain how worthless these men can make you feel. Try to just support her ~ even if this scumbag is with her ~ and be a good friend to her. Hopefully your day will go off without a hitch. I know it is hard to see it from this prospective now, but when your wedding day is over, no matter what has happened ~ you will be done with this man. Your friend still has a long road ahead of her getting out of the influence of this jerk.  

Answer 6

Be Blunt...and afford a little white lie:

I have talked to the caterer and as my final number was only due on Saturday, he said that I can subtract a meal and he will not charge.  So you needn't worry about RSVP-ing for two, there is no waste.  Will your son be safe left home (or with the sitter) if [Boyfriend] knows where he is?  I am more than happy to provide a safe place for him here while you are here whether or not he attends the wedding.

(add this last part to re-introduce her to the fact that the boyfriend is not safe for her family and something needs to be done for THEM even if she won't do it for herself.  And if it comes to it, offer to take the girl to a police station and get that darned restraining order reinstated!)

Answer 7

I would give her a call and tell her that the invitation was for her son - not for her boyfriend. Due to his past behavior you don't feel that it would be appropriate for him to accompany her to this event. Maybe you can tell her she can bring a friend instead, in case she is scared to travel alone or wants someone to hang out with. It may come down to having to choose - do you really want her there badly enough that you will have to deal with the boyfriend that day? In all honesty you probably won't even notice the guy that day. I barely had time to blink the day of my wedding.

Maybe you could have some security measures in place just in case he gets out of hand.  

Answer 8

Honestly, I like you're idea about calling and seeing if he has anything thing withstanding or limitations on him coming. Thats an easy fix. I know how it is, I have a friend just like that, and as much as you want say dont bring him, you know there may be consequences if she doesnt. Good luck, girly. And congrats!!

Answer 9

No. This is your day. You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that he is not welcome at your wedding. She needs to find another way to get around his blackmail of threatening her kid or showing up anyway (police, anyone? Restraining order?). Why would she socialize with someone who has threatened her child?

What you have described about his past behavior suggests that he will not just show up and behave himself. More likely he will put on a performance that will cast a shadow over your wedding. Tell her no, even if it means she can't come. Dragging your special day into her personal drama is unconscionable. What kind of friend is she?

Answer 10

I would politely tell her that the invitation was extended to her and her son, and if he will not be attending she can come alone. Don't mention that you don't like him, just say that you can't start letting people write in their own guests. If she doesn't like it, she doe snot have to come. You can manage with one less bridesmaid if it means avoiding that on your day. You can still be there for her, I understand wanting one day for yourself. She will need to decide to leave on her own anyways, so all you can really do is be supportive. Good luck, I hope that your day goes nicely nd that your friend finds the courage she needs.

ADD: You are not uninviting him. The invitation was extended to her son, and he will not be attending.  It was rude of her to inform you that she is bring him. Even asking to bring someone else borders on being rude! This is not a bridezilla moment, this is you maintaining your guest list.

Answer 11

You may be a lady of honor and pray all goes well with him attending, you may call and inform mom he is not allowed and will be barred from entry by the police, or you may be sneaky (and illegal) have someone call in a false report of having seen someone matching his description with a gun as he exits hotel and gets in car. Cops will grab him and by the time he is out - wedding over. Its a bit risky long term though.

Answer 12

hopefully he will enter the hall and see the people and the formal atmosphere and completely behave himself.  this is what usually happens.  i hope.  

this may sound counterintuitive but if he does show up it could help a lot to greet him as if he is an old dear friend.  this has a way of creating a cordial attitude that he will want to follow.  really.  

grr, i hear you dealing with this cookoo thing at the last second, but, you are very organized and i know it will all work out.  

best to you!!!!!  

Answer 13

I would call her ASAP.  Let her know that the invitation was for her son and not anyone else.  This wedding is a private celebration and you only want those closest to you to be present.  If this were an informal dinner party then she could bring anyone.  Your wedding isn't some 4th of July BBQ that you're having in your backyard.  It's your wedding and it's by invitation only.

If this boyfriend of hers is as truly violent as you say...do not speak badly about him.  Not a single word.  Just emphasize the importance of having an intimate celebration and how this is a private event.  Let her know that you really want her to attend but this invitation does not extend to acquaintances of yours -- only family and close friends.