No patience for step-son need advice badly!(kinda long but plz read!)?

Question

My step-son has adhd, and sensory integration dysfunction, we beleive there are other issues at hand and his therapist is working with him, I want to make it clear we are getting him help for his issues and we do medicate for the ADHD, his father made that choice and I basically have no say in the matter. ALL that said.. ;-) here is my issue... i have always had a lot of patience for this little boy(6) more than his father and certainly more than his real mom who never sees him. He chose to call me Mommy which meant a lot cuz i feel like i earned it from taking good care of him and making him feel loved.... but.. since i've been pregnant, my patience for some of his antics has almost vanished! I get very frustrated with him when he cries and refuses to get ready for school, he won't get dressed, brush teeth, he won't put on and tie his own shoes even though he can, i refuse to give him a bath cuz he freaks out when you wash his hair and i have fallen from trying to hold him still to not hurt himself, but these and other behavoirs are things he has always done and will continue to do in the future, I am just not dealing with it well at all now. I find myself yelling(i am not usually a yelling kind of mom) and getting extremely upset... i tried asking his dad for help but he just tells me "i don't know what you want me to do i'm at work in the morning" he is a good dad and loves his son, but WTF?! I know some of it is the sicker i have gotten (i am losing weight instead of gaining) and the bigger i have gotten, it is harder for me to do these things for my step son so thats frustrating me, and im worried what i will do when the new baby comes and i can't "baby" him anymore by dressing him and so on... it is only the 1st week of school and we have been lately once already because of him refusing to get ready and i have to wrestle him to get shoes on ect. ,... what can i do to help him do these things for himself, get more support from his dad and calm down my temper with him? I'm getting so tired of the stress of feeling like this all the time and i know it can't be good for my step son,,,i could really use some advice here,, thanks.

Answer 1

I know alot of people may not agree with me but at the risk of thumbs down, lol, - It is okay to feel frustrated, you are pregnant and stressed and tired. After the baby is born you will adjust believe me. You love this boy and that is so clear just by reading this. Yelling at him does not make you a bad mom and your husband has to understand the pressure you are under. You should try to talk to your son and let him know you have a baby inside your belly and that makes you tired, ask him to take a little easy on you, I know this sounds like it would be pointless but you might be suprised. You need to sit down and make your husband understand that you have to worry about this baby and he needs to at least handle the bath time. I really hope this helps, and good luck on your pregnancy!!

Answer 2

Just let you husband know it takes 2 people to make things work, its not just his responsibility its his obligation as a husband and father to do what he can to help. Him going to work, erm that is a ridiculous excuse, possibly tape your step sons reactions and show this to your husband. So he doesnt think its a easy task. I would also have a real deep talk with your husband if i was you and to let him know you need some extra help cause in your view a marriage is a partnership.

Answer 3

Ok first ADHD doesn't mean 'incapable'  having said that you do still need all the patience at your command.  Usually these children are incredibly smart and a lot of kids are misdiagnosed.  (you can check that with his doc.)  The other thing you need to know is you do to have something to say about your sons medication.  At least in Illinois if he is in trouble with the law and has to show up with a parent it will be you if dad is hiding at work.  You need to confront your husband and tell him to help out.  You losing weight and getting sicker is endangering your baby.  So tell him to step up.

Now about the child on your hands.  You're a great person but you are dealing with a LOT of issues at once and your stuck with that.  You need to contact the school to make sure they will back you up.  If they will then don't bother giving the kid a bath unless he really needs it.  Set a schedule if you havn't already.  Try not to go out of the house any more than necessay with him now.  You need to get someone to keep him busy but at a lot of different things.  

My answer to a son and 2 grandchildren was a big farm they could run and play on to their hearts content and they weren't on meds while they could do that. ( That may not be the case here only a good doc would know)

At six your son should be able to dress himself and get on a bus or into your car without a fight.  He may also be reflecting the stress you feel which stresses you and then he gets more stressed etc.  Yelling at him won't help.  Save it for when you get him to school then go out in the back yard and scream at the sky.  (you may want to warn neighbors that may be home when you do this).  If you can get clean clothes on him and food in him and get him to school thats all that is needed let your husband bathe him before bedtime.  And make him wash his hair.  Some times there is something about that deep voice that makes it through that self imposed haze and he may act better for his dad.  ( and that may be part of what's going on.)  Remember that this little guy loves you and its not about being a step mom or son its about behavior.  Call the Cooperative Extension in your area and ask for the family living specialist they can get you information on what a six year old should be able to do and maybe even get help for you.

You will also need to take away privileges if he doesn't behave or follow simple instructions.  If he doesn't pick up that toy and put it away then he can't have the toy.  Just a thought, you refer to 'babying' him.  You need to cut it out.  When they can dress them selves they should also be able to bathe themselves and even wash their own hair with supervision.  

Also there should be a person at school that can give you hints on how to help him with school work that does well for ADHD kids.  Mostly in small chunks.

Answer 4

First let me tell you that you being pregnant is and should be your first concern. Your husband is going to have to work something out to help you more or may loose your child. Stress isn't good for the baby. Nor is wrestling with a 6 yr to put his clothes and shoes on. I am sorry but your husband has to sacrifice. If he doesn't are you willing to sacrifice your baby?  

Answer 5

First realize that a lot of the frustration and annoyance you are feeling now is hormone fueled. I find myself very short with people now too. You need to sit down his father and tell him that for the safety of your baby (falling and wrestling around) that the two of you need to work out a system in the mornings. I don't know how early he needs to be at work, but maybe he can get some of the school prep stuff done before he goes, making the lunch, laying out clothes etc.

I am not sure it this will work, but have you tried telling your step son that he is going to be a big brother, and that you want his help. Maybe making him feel involved might help him be more cooperative in the mornings. Try using things like "You know if you get real good at washing your hair or getting dress or putting on your shoes, you can teach your little brother or sister how to do it"

Good luck. and congrats on the baby.