Nostradamus Prodigy Predicts Liverpool Faith in 2014
One of the world's leading soothsayers has just submitted his evidence on what will happen in 2014.
Today, in Budapest, Nostradamus prodigy Dr Worthless Do Nothing, predicted that the occurrence of a global disaster of catastrophic proportions in 2014 is indeed possible, but this is being mistranslated or misinterpreted in many intellectual circles. Instead of a natural disaster it is going to be a man-made disaster or to be precise a Liverpool disaster is more plausible.
Dr Do Nothing, insists, due to Liverpool FC's current predicament of an underperforming squad, flops like Lucas Leiva, Alberto Aquilani, Ryan Babel and David N’Gog who couldn't hit water if they fell from a boat and The Hicks-Gillet plan to bleed Anfield dry of its once reported riches, the club could be the cause of the end of the world.
When pressed for explanations on his theory by the media, Dr Do Nothing gave a number of startling discoveries:
'The main cataclysmic event will be in the 2013-2014 season when Liverpool are relegated from the Premier League.
Due to the these facts Mr. Rafael Benitez will be conducting his players from his personal dugout at his Retirement Home, refusing to give up a job he should have done a few years ago after claiming the ultimate prize in football in Istanbul in may 2005 or later in 2007 when the Rosseniri’s claimed their sweet revenge but God only knows what false hopes was he harbouring of guiding Liverpool to the summit of English Football and with a 2nd place finish last season his belief only grew stronger; only to be brought down to earth with a stinging bite of reality the very next term.
Aging players like Carragher, Unhappy players like Gerrard and Torres and a whole contingent of underperforming nobodies, put out to pasture, (or shot like a lame horse whichever is more humane), a boardroom chaos and no money to buy new players, the only result thinkable will be ‘doing a Pompey’.
Dr Do Nothing goes on to say:
“This result will see many actions across the globe. As many players will seek to leave, one of the players will have a devastating effect on the environment. Fernando Torres, adored, loved, admired, respected and what not by all and sundry in Spain will be the cause of a massive tidal wave. As he leaves Liverpool for an unnamed club, every single Spaniard will simultaneously start to remove their Liverpool top at the same time, causing a Tsunami to start, but this time in the North Atlantic as confirmed by ‘The Butterfly Effect’ which will decimate the Sub-American continent.”
“Also, technical issues on a global scale will occur as every Liverpool fan tries to auction off their memorabilia on eBay as it will be deemed worthless to them now. This would cause unprecedented traffic on the internet, causing a fatal attack on every server on the planet, deleting all financial, personal and p**n site into oblivion. This would send the planet back into the dark ages.”
“But the devastating event that would wipe out all life on the earth will be when every die hard lime-street faithful decides to become a Glory Hunter out to seek a team that is successful. The sudden shift of people at once will be so immense that the earth will actually shift on its axis causing global earthquakes and mass continental land shifts.”
The kind of Human shift that can be vaguely related to a similar pattern of migration of homosapiens that occurred when the swashbuckling, mesmeric and insanely skillful Ronaldo left for the sunshine in the Spanish capital, for an outrageous amount of money previously deemed unthinkable in football (only to realize a year later that money can’t buy everything, in football at least), as the whole g*y community and WAG (wives and girlfriends) wannabees all jetted out to Spain on the off chance.
Whilst Dr Do Nothing’s findings are still at an initial stage, one piece of information is that an extra 5 minutes of injury time may or may not be added after the end of the world (will someone please though), but a certain Mr Stevie G will embark on a solo run into the opponents penalty area and go down on the faintest of touches in an attempt to win a penalty kick and save the day, but will someone please tell the England captain wannabe that the world has come to an end.
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