Not happy being married, What do I do?

Question

My husband and I have been together for 9 yrs. We have 2 children ages 8 and 4. For the last 6 yrs. it has been nothing but fighting for the most part. I am tired and want to leave the marriage. Not to mention that he has gotten violent with me on several occasions and on the last occasion he punched me in the lip. He also went overboard when disciplining our child. I do not condone these types of behaviors and I don't feel that I can continue being married to him. He is trying his best to get me to try and save what's left of our relationship, but I don't feel the same way about him anymore. How do I tell him this in a way that will hurt the least and keep things civil? Please help. Thanks.

Answer 1

Talk to a counselor, not a marriage counselor, the one that you go by yourself and she can help you out of this.

Answer 2

Divorce is rarely a civil procedure. Just be honest about your feelings and try to move out as soon as possible.

Answer 3

He punched you in the lip?  GET OUT NOW.

You are also concerned about his discipline w/ the kids... it sounds like you are worried about him blowing up again, and getting violent if you leave.  If this is the case, pack and leave while he is at work.  Leave a note that you were concerned he would lose his temper if you spoke to him face to face.

You are being abused.  Your kids safety is also a concern.  You need to get out of there.

Answer 4

Unfortunately you are not responsible for his feelings and reactions.  All you can do is be honest with him.  After that it is up to him how he chooses to deal with the situation.  It is never easy for either person in such situations but there comes a point where you have to be honest for everyone's sake.

Answer 5

First of all, I am so sorry you and your children have been abused!  My heart goes out to you!  My advice would be different if he wasn't abusing you.  I would say, feelings come and go during marriage.  You may feel like you don't love him this week, or month or even year, but you can learn to love them again.  If you have loved them once, you can love them again.  But he has abused you and your kids.  Divorce is the worst thing that can happen to a person I believe, and prevent it at any cost.  You need to get away from him.  Separated not divorced.  He needs to get help and get better without you or the kids around.  If he can do this, you really should try to make it work.  But if he can't or won't, then you need to stay away from him.    

Answer 6

May not be a way to really be civil. You can be as nice as you want about it and go through it a million different ways in your head. He will still react the same way no matter what. He is gonna be mad and hurt and all that. You just need to do whats best for you and your kids and get out. Any man that can get physical with a woman or child is no man at all and not worth your time or your concern.

Answer 7

Not an impossible situation...it could be worse...kids will be affected way more then you or your hubby. If he is truly willing to try...give it your best chot...chose to love him and do all you can for the next few months...slowly your desires will come back if he is genuinely changing...but you must kind of force yourself.

You made vows...respect them and keep them...otehrwise your integrity is shot...

Answer 8

All you can do is file he sounds controlling and probably not going to take this very well and might try to hurt you, my advice would be to get a large boyfriend to protect you if you don't already have one.

Answer 9

Well the violence part would have made my mind up long ago. I suggest getting the divorce paperwork going, see a lawyer and be prepared to totally leave before you tell him in case he becomes violent again. I would have a plan to get the heck out of there. Thats kind of you to take his feelings into consideration and you don't want to hurt him, but think of what he's done to you. Get out of that bad marriage, you dont' need someone giving you a bloody lip. Thats just inexcusable.  

Answer 10

Well talk to him and tell him that all that you been trough has really hurt you and that you want to live separate right now and would like to think about things better and maybe there will be a chance for you guys to recover your marriage but you would like your own space right now with the kids.Just tell him what you truly feel

Answer 11

First of all, by staying, even now, you are condoning these behaviors. Not to mention what kind of a signal it sends to your kids. Believe me they know what's going on, even if you think they don't. if you don't want to try to save it then dont. Make him leave or you leave. you need to do this soon cuz you're sending mixed messages to him. if you want to try to make it work, then tell him to move out temporaily and get counseling, angermanagement classes and parenting classes. who knows, it may help.

Answer 12

You need to get out RIGHT away.

The minute he went "overboard", he should've been put in jail.

Forget his feelings and think about your precious child.

Good luck.

Answer 13

You tell him

NOTHING!

Claen out all money market and svavings accounts and take valuables to store at a good friend's home or close relative. Then immediately go to a woman's shelter. Have them help your get a criminal order of protection against him for child abuse

( physical ) and spousal abuse  around. Be able to give exact dates, times, or close as possible. Make sure you say he has threatemed yhou a lopt and yells and screams all the time... The shelter keeps your where about anonymous.

They Will help you get the criminal order of protection, or have the cops come to the shleter...which means he can not come within  500- or so yards of you and all the kids for a year. Meanwhile divorce him and take him for everything. Do NOT gert soft iof he stqrts to cry. Let him be another's poroblem. He is DANGEROUS! ! !Get it? DANGEROIUS!!!

He is a Bully, a maniac, a sick human who needs a whole lot of help professionally and meds. If you tell him even one once of thie plan, he will beat you senseless.

Get to that shelter! YOU MUST PROTECT THE KIDS> FORGET THE MARRIAGEE<> IT:S BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS>

Answer 14

not at all a unique situation but it is to you and i understand that.  i read a book, to h**l with h**l which is sold on line at b and n dot com as well as amazon dot com.  there are some wonderful insights as deals with this.  my friend gave it to me after she read it and suggested i read it too.  that's the best i have to offer.  good luck.  

Answer 15

I think you need to get out as soon as possible. Think about your children 1st! Your husband sounds very aggressive and shouldn't put his hands on you! You don't deserve that and your children don't need to be in that environment. They don't need to see you with black eyes and swollen lips. And they don't need to be around your husband if discipline has gone to far in the past because it can happen again. Any divorce hurt so trying to aviod that is almost impossible. Talk to a lawyer and start looking for a place for you and your children. Your husband needs help with his anger problem and your not happy. You need to do what's best for you children. Hope everything works out.  

Answer 16

If he's the violent type walk away and take your kids with you, the guy isn't playing with a full deck if he's beating on his wife and kids. Things ceased being civil when he got violent, get a restraining order and a divorce. Kick him out of your home, and think of your children's well being and health as well as your own.

Answer 17

This is a hard situation to be in. But you need to worry about your well being as well as your children's. Let him know that you love him, but your just not in love with him and that it would be best if you took your separate ways. that you can still be friends and work with the children so that they still have both of you in their lives. Because a divorce is going to be hard on the children. and they have to know too that you both love them. You can not stay in a situation where you are not happy, because it will only make your life worse.  

Answer 18

To be honest, you need to worry about how things will affect you, how it will benefit you and your children.  Tell him, be straight forward, protect yourself and your children.

If he wants to work it out, then he won't have a problem going to some type of counseling with you to work on the marriage and some type of counseling for his anger.

If you just want to leave, be ready... have your ducks in order, know where you are going, what you are going to do, how you will afford it, how will you manage with out him.  Be very prepared, don't leave without a master plan.

Good luck