OK I'm writing this poem for a girl i like but need help with the last line...Please help?

Question

yea i wrote this poem but i can think of a last line and let me know what you think

As I gaze into your eyes

Time seems to standstill

At that moment the world is left behind

As i stare i can't think

I can't look away

The beauty they bestow upon me

Leaves me breathless

In just seconds

Speaks a thousand things

Yet no one says a word

I fear the moment it will end

Answer 1

and I return to stark reality

Answer 2

try something like,

-stay with me

-please never leave,

then i love you

great poem so far

good luckk!

Answer 3

i feel like this poem isn't from your heart. its a wonderful poem but it could really use some tuning up. read it a few times and you'll see what me and a few others are saying.

Answer 4

Well, I will suggest one, but first I have some suggestions you may want to consider for the poem you already have.

The second line, /Time seems to standstill/, doesn't make sense. Standstill is a word, but the sentence would sound better if you either a) separated the words to "stand still", or b) change the line to something like: /Time seems to come to a standstill./ I personally would choose the second option, though.

The line /Speaks a thousand things/ sounds nice, but it isn't a continuation of a sentence. WHAT speaks a thousand things? How about: /We speak of a thousand words/. I think it would be nice to get rid of the "just" in /...just seconds/, and /Yet no one says a word/ to /And no one says a word.

I would also add more punctuation: period after standstill, after "behind", after "look away", after "breathless", and after "word."

Otherwise the poem is very beautiful. Sure to charm any girl! :)

My revised version:

As I gaze into your eyes

Time seems to come to a standstill.

At that moment the world is left behind.

As I stare I can't think

I can't look away.

The beauty they bestow upon me

Leaves me breathless.

In just seconds

We speak a thousand words

And no one says a word.

And the last lines:

I fear the moment will end

And as I break into the absolute actuality

You are there.

:). Hope this helps! Good luck!

Answer 5

i think you should use a complelety diffrent poem.

this sounds like you didnt write it, you are trying to get her attention, and her dad is going to be upset with you if he reads this.

try something more simple, just to tell her that you like her, not overwhelm her with the feeling taht youve been stalking her with love.

cuz thats wat i m getting from this.

Answer 6

Don't stop now or ever

It can't end unless you know,

I love you.....?

Answer 7

so i want the end to be the beginning of our love

only if you know she likes you too.