OK OK, i need people to help me forget this, i need some jokes!

Question

OK so i just watched the reaction video to 2 guys 1 horse, and i almost threw up because i heard the audio AND its disgusting, worse than anything i have ever heard, its way more intense since he died, BUT please tell me some jokes because ime almost in tears..... PLEASE!

Answer 1

does he die in the video?

serves him right though

Answer 2

what's better than Roses on a piano?

Tulips on your organ

Answer 3

A woman, carrying har baby, gets onto a bus.  The bus driver looks at the baby and says to the woman "That has got to be the UGLIEST baby I've ever seen in my life.  Ew!"

The woman takes her baby to the back of the bus and says to another passenger "That bus driver just insulted me horribly.  I can't believe he said what he did."

The passenger says "Well then you march right back up there and tell him off.  Go on!  I'll hold your monkey for you."

Answer 4

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward four men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She then explained that she was a physical therapist and offered to help ease his "pain".

"Please allow me to help, I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.

After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"

The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good...but my thumb still hurts like h**l!

--------------------------------------...

A lawyer, a priest and a teacher were at a funeral of a tribal chief.

Before closing the coffin lid, the widow requested an offering of $100 from each to be laid in the casket, as the tradition demands.

The priest & the teacher both reluctantly laid their $100.

The lawyer then wrote out a check for $300, deposited it in the coffin and collected the $200 cash.  

Answer 5

Bruce Lee, Chuck Norris and a blonde walked into a bar.

Bruce and Chuck walked off without a word but the blonde said: ow wtf  

Answer 6

how about a chinese book { spots on the wall }by hoo flung dung  

Answer 7

Here's one I've just posted, have a smile at the thought...

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter

vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some

wood. When he gets back, he says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says, "Well put them here between my legs and that will

warm them up."

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes

back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them here between my legs and warm

them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood for the

night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are

really freezing!"

She looks at him and says, "For crying out loud, don't your

*ears* ever get cold?"

Answer 8

What do you get after you scare the c**p out of Obama?

LIPS AND TENNIS SHOES