OK. So if adoption is always wrong, done for profit, only helps the adoptive parents, etc etc,?

Question

Then why do birthmothers give their kids away!? Am I the only one who sees the unfairness of a woman having a baby, giving it away, then spending her whole life receiving kudos for her decision, while the parents who actually did the hard yards with that child get nothing but criticism? Hello?

Gershom, Possum, Grapesgum, Rox and a few others: You have issues, lol!

I sincerely hope nobody ever seriously considering adoption takes you seriously (not that I think they would), because you talk S**t.

Answer 1

I don't know what you're railing about, but I never said that all adoptions are wrong, all adoptions are for profit, or that all adoptions are for the benefit of adoptive parents.

It does happen that way, I would certainly like to see less exploitation in the adoption system.

I would like to see adoption be about giving homes to children WHO DON'T HAVE HOMES, not taking children away from their home because the mother is single/lower income.

Many parents do adopt to give a home to children who otherwise would be with an abusive, neglectful mother, or not have a family at all, and that is exactly what it should be about!

If it ever sounds like anyone is attacking you, remember no one knows your story, and if what they say doesn't apply to you, then it simply doesn't! So don't worry!

Many potential adoptive parents are unaware of the ethical concerns, so I still think it's a good idea to get it out there.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I agree with you, although being an adoptive mother I don't look for outside kudos, though in our town it comes often.  

I actually count myself blest to get to be my adopted children's mother.  My husband feels the same way!  And caring for the children is enough...they bring so much joy, it doesn't matter to  me what everyone else says.  We are a happy family, and will be our happy family forever!

Answer 3

I recall a recent news item of a young woman who decided to go live with her birth parents after she turned 18.  The whole story was focused on what a joyous occasion it was for the birth family and the girl, no mention of how devastated the adoptive parents might have been.  The adoption sounded a little shady, but still, she was raised by these people for almost two decades.  It is unfair, but I hope the hypocrisy is limited to the press.  I have met tonds of adoptive children that adore their adoptive parents and family.  Ultimately, we do get the accolades in raising a child and enjoying their love, that's why we do it.

Answer 4

It seems like the situation and opinion that you state above is the exception rather than the rule.  I have seen different opinions about both groups (birth parents and adoptive parents).  Often (but not always), the negative opinions come from people that have no experience and get their information from the media.  However, many people actually think that the adoption process is easy (ala Monica and Chandler on "Friends").  If they only knew how difficult it is on both the birth and adoptive parents during the pre-placement period, they would realize that both groups deserve at least respect, if not praise.  The difference is that the adoptive parents get to see the baby every day.  I hope that the birth parents are able to rest easy knowing taht the child that they made is in a good situation.  However, the horror stories in the media probably make them wonder.  

Birth parents are NOT bad people.  No matter how people may feel, and how immature they may be, I don't think that anyone takes the decision to place a child for adoption lightly.  In a world where abortion is readily available, the decision to carry a baby to term is admirable.  The acceptance that they may not be able (at least at the time) to provide the best home for a child is a mature and loving realization.

The adoptive parents subject themselves to background checks, an emotional roller coaster, significant costs, and they often need to let their friends and relatives know that they are infertile.  They do all of this because it is worth it.

Answer 5

Okay.... I'm going to try to explain one more time.

Very, very few people think adoption is ALWAYS wrong.

NONE of us think all adoptive parents and prospective adoptive parents are greedy, selfish, horrible people.

What I personally think (and happen to know that a few others agree with) is that adoption has some serious ethical problems. That SOME adoptions are unnecessary. That SOME infant adoptions could be avoided if relinquishing moms truly understood the possible effects of the decision. That MANY infant adoptions could be avoided if relinquishing moms were just given some temporary help to keep their kids. And that, yes, when a woman CAN keep and raise her child with love, enough food, shelter, and clothing, she SHOULD keep her child.

No one here thinks kids should remain with abusive, neglectful parents. Absolutely not.

Now, as for the actual question... Why do we give our kids away?

I can't begin to answer for every single birth mother in the U.S. But I can tell you this much...

In the time period between World War II and the landmark Roe-v.-Wade decision (legalizing abortion) in 1972, millions of unwed expectant mothers were forced by their parents, society, and adoption workers to surrender their children. Yes, literally forced. Some of them were strapped down to delivery tables. Some were drugged for their labor and delivery so that they couldn't see the baby after baby was born. Some were told by their priests and maternity home nuns that if they didn't sign their babies over for adoption, they'd have to pay exorbitant sums of money to the maternity homes (which they'd been forced into against their will) for their room and board; or that their baby would never go to heaven; or that they'd be committing a sin. Some were kicked out of their homes or let go by their employers. Some signed the termination of rights papers under all this duress... and some just never signed at all, but had their signatures forged.

Many of these women literally had their children stolen from them.

During this time, adoptees' records of their births--their origins--were being sealed, supposedly to protect the birth mothers' confidentiality... but nearly all birth moms from this time period will tell you, if you ask, that they were never promised confidentiality; that they never asked for confidentiality; and that most of them don't want it.

After 1972, the landscape of adoption slowly began to change... but the operative word is S-L-O-W-L-Y. Most of the maternity homes slowly closed down. Single parenting became, over time, more acceptable. Women who found themselves in unplanned pregnancies, who weren't ready to be pregnant, began to have abortions in increasing rates, and there were fewer women to forced into relinquishment... and fewer infants available for adoption.

But the adoption industry didn't go away. Some women, of course, really can't successfully parent children they become pregnant with. Some women genuinely need to relinquish.

But some women still get suckered in... pressured, cajoled, misinformed, whatever.

For years, due to closed records, birth mothers of the Baby Scoop Era (post- WWII through 1972) being told they should never speak again of their lost children, the stigma these moms felt for getting pregnant and relinquishing, and the general invisibility of these women and their stories, the only thing most people knew of adoption was the adoptive parents' perspective--that they were able to fulfill their dreams of having a child. It seemed like a rosy solution.... adoptive parents get a child; birth mom gets to move on with her life and doesn't have to endure the stigma of everyone knowing she was pregnant while unmarried; and the child gets a stable home.

So, well past the Baby Scoop Era, this was (and continues to be, for the most part) the generally accepted view of infant adoption.

Enter the era of open adoptions, adoptee rights advocacy, and the internet.

Why open adoptions originally started is... well, you can get a variety fo answers on that. Some people will tell you its because the social workers started to realize a genuine benefit for adoptees and birth moms. Some people will tell you it was the adoption industry's way of adjusting to a new social reality, a reality in which fewer and fewer women were relinquishing, a reality in which women were reluctant to place their children without ever knowing a thing about them ever again. My opinion? I think it was  mixture of both reasons.

In any case, as the numbers of relinquishing moms declined, the amount of openness in adoptions started increasing. At first it was simply allowing the mom to choose the adoptive parents from a couple of profiles. Later it was meeting them in a neutral setting prior to the birth. Then it was allowing the birth mothers to receive a picture or a letter after the placement... then ongoing letters and pictures through a neutral third party... then visits... then fully open, with identifying info exchanged and adoptive and biological families integrating, regarding themselves as one family, keeping in touch for the sake of the child.

Meanwhile, adoptees across the nation started to get angry that their birth records were sealed. Why, they asked, were they not allowed a basic document--their birth certificate--that everyone else in America was allowed to have? Were they such terrible people that their first mothers really needed to be protected from them? And as adoptees began to search and reunite with their first mothers, some of them began to realize, on top of it all--oh my gosh. My mom was never promised nor did she want confidentiality, anonymity. This whole spiel about protecting the mothers' rights makes no sense.

And so here we are today. Open adoption becoming the trend more and more.... a few states starting to open records for adoptees... contraception and abortion legal and usually available... and fewere babies placed for adoption.

Except that there are still somewhere between 13,000 and 14, 000 mothers relinquishing their newborns every year in the U.S.

Now, if all of those mothers truly needed to relinquish... if they were going to abuse or neglect or mistreat in any way their children.... then this would be a WONDERFUL thing. I mean, how many kids are sitting in foster care right now, damaged and hurt and in pain because of abuse suffered at the hands of their biological parents?

Yes, if abusive parents were relinquishing, this would be a wonderful thing.

But the problem is, GENERALLY speaking (of course there will be exceptions, but in general...), the women who relinquish their newborns would NOT be abusive, neglectful, hurtful, or bad parents.

As organizations like Ethica and the Evan B. Donaldson Institute start to research the demographics and reasons of moms who now relinquish their children, they're finding interesting things: most relinquishing women these days aren't teenagers; many of them are already successfully raising other children, but simply feel strapped for resources; they tend to be educated and/or have big future educational goals; they tend to come from middle-class parents themselves.

See the problem?

The WRONG WOMEN ARE RELINQUISHING THEIR CHILDREN.

So how is this happening? Why? Well, again, I can't speak for every birth mom, but I can tell you what happened to me....

I grew up in a culture that celebrated adoption. Ironically, of course, all this celebration of adoption was based in large part on the adoptions of the Baby Scoop Era, in which many children were literally stolen and forced out of their mothers' arms. But no one knew that, because it had been so hushed up.

So I grew up thinking adoption was a win-win solution... a couple gets a baby; a girl gets to move on with her life and redeem herself for her sexual indiscretion; and a baby gets a home. I never, not once, heard any negatives about adoption.

When I got pregnant myself, as a junior in college with plans for graduate school, as a young adult from a conservative Christian family, adoption seemed like the obvious solution. I loved my baby very much and the thought of losing her left me gasping for breath, but everyone--the agency workers, my parents, my church, my friends--assured me that adoption was a loving option... not just A loving option, in fact, but THE loving option... is if it were the only loving option.

My parents, angry with me for having premarital s*x and getting pregnant, refused to let me live with them with my baby (though they'd been planning to let me move back in with them for my senior year of college PRIOR to my getting pregnant). I was working full time and attending school full time when I got pregnant... I had to work to pay the rent, utilities, bills. I panicked. How was I going to continue to afford rent and my billls; AND finish school; AND be a single, full-time mom?

And should I even try? After all, wasn't it selfish of me to keep my baby when I could give her to a two-parent home with a mom and dad who were already through school and established in their careers?

I believed, deep in my soul, it would be wrong and selfish of me to keep my daughter, even though I loved her more than life and even though I KNEW I could be a good mom. And as time progressed, as people judged more and more for my getting pregnant, as people pointed out all the hardships of parenting over and over and none of the joys, as people questioned my ability to be a mom, I began to internalize all fo that, and came to question my belief that I'd be a good mother.

Still, I wanted, deep inside, to keep my baby. I called an agency and explained, I wanted help exploring both options, parenting and adoption. I hadn't made up my mind, I just wanted info... info on parenting resources, so I'd know if I could make parenting work... and info on adoption, in case I couldn't make it work. So I could compare my info and make the best, fully informed decision. The agency, which advertised both these kinds of help, assured me this was fine, and they'd help me find parenting resources.

Only, when I went there, after sititng through several useless sessions and then finally asking for help with the parenting resources and plans... the social worker said "Sorry, no, we won't help you with that now."

They pushed adoption... they promised to help with parenting and didn't when push came to shove... and they subtly, gradually led me to a place where adoption seemed the only option. Coupled with pressure from my parents and my fiance's desire to not be a daddy, and my own panic, shame at getting pregnant, and self-doubt, I caved... and decided adoption was the best option.

No one ever told me that I would qualify for government help. No one ever told me how to apply for government help. No one told me about resources for single moms to finish college. No one told me how much child support money I'd get from the father (who made over $90,000 per year)-- in fact they lied about that, and said I"d get less than I would have. No one told me that some adoptees (not all, some) grow up feeling rejected and abandoned as a result of being given away by their first moms, and that I was risking those feelings of rejection for my daughter. No one ever told me that post-traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and depression is diagnosed at a much higher rate for birth moms than for moms who parent their kids. No one ever told me my risk of suicide would increase. No one ever told me there was a chance I'd struggle wtih intimacy afterwards. No one ever told me.. well, any of the hard stuff, any of the darker possibilities. None of it.

So... why did I relinquish? Because I was fed misinformation about adoption starting as a child, because society painted it as a SOLELY good thing, because no one explained the potential effects of the loss on both my child and myself, and because I was pressured by parents and an agency.

And this, by the way, all happened in 2001.

As a result of all this, I do indeed have symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder... directly because of the relinquishment. (Want a note from my doctor to verify?) I have been suicidally depressed... not even fully knowing at the time why, at a period when I was still convinced and proclaiming that relinquishing had been the right choice. My parented daughter, just yesterday, was hurt to discover that not everyone believes her when she says she has a sister. My husband and I have been through marriage counseling due to my intimacy issues and my (now resolved) anger at him for his part in the adoption.

I was told I'd grieve for a year and then be okay.

Instead, it gets harder and more complicated as time goes on.

So.... why do I NOT think adoption is always good? Because it's not. Because I know my own story... and because I know my story isn't an anomaly. Because I know other moms who were pressured to relinquish, who would have been GREAT mothers (and many currently are), who didn't give their kids better lives, just different lives.

____

P.S. As for spending a lifetime getting kudos for my decision.... ahhhh, if only that was the extent of it. Getting kudos actually drives me crazy--it's such a backhanded compliment, to tell someone they made a good decision in NOT raising their own child, as if they'd have been a terrible parent. But that's nothing compared to the REAL stigma out there... I've been stereotyped, yelled at, had people assume I must have been a drug addict, asked "what kind of woman gives her kid away?," been told I was irresponsible, and had it implied I'm cold and unloving.

Kudos? No. Stigma? Yes.

Answer 6

My only advise...DO NOT LET THESE MORONS (the specific people you mentioned) GET TO YOU!!!  

I would NEVER let what they say make me change my mind.  You see these people have issues about their own adoptive situations.  They are either guilt ridden or very angry.  Definitely CLOSED MINDED!!  They need to know every situation is unique and with their own "facts/details".

Answer 7

Well, I think it is wrong to demonize birthparents, and I think  it is wrong to demonize adoptive parents, and I think it's wrong also to put either on a pedastol.  I think the important thing that people are concerned about is that young women not be taken advantage of for money at a vulnerable time in their life.  Some may express it a little too militantly, although I understand and am sympathetic to their feelings.  Although adoptive parents certainly aren't in it for the money, there is an industry that deals with adoption for the money.  Both birthparents and adoptive parents are who the adoption industry is making the money off of.  The industry needs birthparents to put babies up for adoption.  The industry needs adoptive parents who need adoption services.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to villainize all providers of adoption services either.  There is a genuine need, and it is a legitimate service to provide and charge money for.  However, when it is solely the adoption agencies that provide counseling to women who are considering adoption, you can see there is a confict of interest, and some behave unethically.    

As an adoptive parent, I've wrestled with many feelings about the loss my daughter's birthfamily is living with.  It is so very haunting to see your child's birthmother sob as she sees her child for what may be the last time, and I know that my daughter has and will experience losses of a kind I can't truly know.  I am not a rescuer, nor am I a baby stealer.  I am a lucky beneficiery of someone else's misfortune.  That is really hard to deal with sometimes.

Answer 8

<<receiving kudos for her decision>>

You are joking right?  What a sick person you are.  Family, friends, agencies and society treat known birthmothers like dirt.

Answer 9

not all birth mums give up ther children some like me have them in humanely taken away by the unbeatable social services

Answer 10

what would your solution be to adoption? more abortion? i'm an adopted child and i think that my birth mother did the right thing. you act as if the birth mothers go around asking for praise for what they did. have you ever talked to a birth mother? many wonder their whole lives if they made the right decision and wonder what hap pend to their child. many don't even tell people that they put a child up for adoption. seriously, until you have been a birth mother, a parents of an adopted child, or an adopted child how can you even have an opinion.

Answer 11

i totally thought you were a pap.( prospective adoptive parent ) and that doesn't make me mentally challenged, it was a mistake. Enough with the insults already! Why do you not get the fight for adoptee rights, if you're an adoptee? i don't understand that kind of thinking.  Do you even care that you're being discriminated against by the state? Do you care that your records are sealed? I see that you were adopted at the age of 7 from foster care. That means that your adoption, and my adoption were two VERY different adoptions. You would of most likely been removed from your family, when many infant adoptions were from coersion from the agencies. So to fight against adoptee rights, because you wanted to be adopted, doesn't make sense to ME. And I wonder about YOUR mental health. I'm not trying to stop foster children from getting homes, infact, i'm an advocate for foster children to be at top priority OVER infant adoption. But foster kids, are getting swept aside due to the industry in America. Don't you see that? Don't you want to help change that? Don't you care for other foster kids since YOU were one? Adoption isn't what should be held on a pedestool its the people who raised you, and thats not because of adoption, thats because they're good people. The act of adoption had nothing to do with it.

I"ll leave this annoucement up below because everyone who can, should be going.

Ethica and the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute are co-sponsoring a conference to be held October 15-16, 2007 in Washington DC:

Adoption Ethics and Accountability: Doing it Right Makes a Lifetime of Difference

For more information, please visit our conference website at www.ethicsconference.net

Answer 12

Hmmm, I wonder where Jackson's real mom is...

If you plant a garden, then spend your time complaining about how much work it is--then why did you plant the garden at all, JM?

I'm sorry for all your "hard yards"!  Can't be too hard, you're here, trying to prove you're worthy of being a 'mother' instead of just 'being' one.  Who are you trying to convince?

You know why natural mothers give up children.  Adoption is, and has always been about infertiles like yourself unable to accept your lot, and seek to exploit those who have less social & financial advantages.

'Recieving kudos'?  That natural mother who gave YOU her flesh & blood lost her child has a lot less than you--and look-- you're still not happy!

Could it be that these adult adoptees words are seeping into that thick skull of yours?  Remember Jackson's second mom: babies do grow up, so treat that child like the gift he is, and maybe he'll respect you when he's an adult.

Answer 13

I certainly never said adoption is ALWAYS wrong.

Trolling for expectant mothers for their infant child - yes I think that is wrong.

Expectant mothers should be encouraged to keep their children - as most that even consider adoption - could in most cases parent themselves.

For children that have been taken from their parents because they have been proven beyond a doubt that they are unfit to parent - this is a completely different case.

There are thousand's of needy children within the foster care system who genuinely NEED a good and loving home.

These are completely different than the newborn babies that people mostly want to acquire to claim as their own.

Really - we are talking about two completely different 'adoption' scenarios.

From what I've read from your story - you were adopted from foster care. You NEEDED to have a loving family to care for you. And I'm so very glad that you received that.

I was adopted 2 weeks after my birth - my parents went on to marry just 6 months after my birth - and they had 3 more children. My mother was essentially given zero support from her family, the church and society - and told that because she was unwed - she had to relinquish her child. In this case I did not NEED to be adopted.

I luckily also had a wonderful loving adoptive family - but after meeting my biological sister 2 years ago - I've realized what I have missed out on - as we fit like 2 peas in a pod - something I didn't completely do with my adoptive family.

If children don't NEED to be adopted - then they should stay with the family that they were born too.

I've always maintained that adoption SHOULD be in the best interests of the child.

Sometimes those lines are blurred as some people just want a baby - and they want a baby now.

And suggesting to someone that is pregnant that the child would be better being adopted out than being mothered by the child's mother - without encouraging them to parent first - is - in my opinion - fundamentally wrong.

No one really has a crystal ball to say that the child would be better off in most of those cases.

This is just my honest opinion - and that is what this place is meant to be about - yes??

Thanks.

Answer 14

Each story is different and each reason is different.

People who think that others are closed minded are the ones who refuse to look at the whole picture and instead look at their little situation and go "this won't happen to me"

It happens.  If you don't like their answers -- don't read the questions and don't make a response if you don't know what the whole situation is.

People who go on Myspace and Yahoo answers and beg for a child deserve what they get.

Answer 15

Just sharing - Three of my aunties adopted (baby) girls - my counsins are in their late 20's and early 30's now. And (accidently) they're all public notaries. One of my aunties passed away from old age - two are still around - and as far as I can see they're happy with their decisions, my cousins are happy with their mums' decisions .... and none of us really know who the biological parents are.

My aunties didn't pay for my cousins - they were left outside the temple, outside the church and outside the hospital in a little town where they live ... a third world country where I grew up.