OK tried the darker one let s try semi dark but painfully realistic DO u like this song

Question

“How did I get here?” I been in the war I been in a nice house, I been across the sea I been in the White House, I have stood in line to cash a check, I have been in a lot of things that could have killed me including a bad car wreck, I have been a handsome man I have been severely disfigured, I have been sane and insane mentally hair triggered, I have had a family I have been all by my lonesome, I have been dirty minded I have also been wholesome, As I take a sip from the flask I have to ask…….. How did I get here?, the answer my friend is not clear, Serviced the country in times of war, Now I sleep on a concrete floor, Everything I own is in a grocery bag or on my back, When did my train derail? when did I fall of the track? How did I get here and when can I go , I do not know. Today I had a man throw a dollar at me and it made me quite happy, But then him and his friends started making fun of me made me feel quite crappy, I took it anyways, Hard for me to come across a dollar nowadays, Shall I use it for a drink or a bite to eat? Should I buy a pair of socks for my very cold feet? Been awhile since I tasted a beer, guess I will go chug one down and get back to thinking how did I get here?. How did I get here?, the answer my friend is not clear, Serviced the country in times of war, Now I sleep on a concrete floor, Everything I own is in a grocery bag or on my back, When did my train derail? when did I fall of the track? How did I get here and when can I go , I do not know Sometimes I will stop by my daughter’s house for a nice meal, But sometimes her hubby watches me close thinking I just might steal, Sometimes I go for days without eating, Sometimes I just lay around and wait for my heart to stop beating. As death draws near , I wake back up and with my last gasp I say out loud How Did I get Here

Answer 1

its good...its like....deep...but not too deep...so you can still get the meaning without relating it too much to a personal situation. so you can understand what the lyrics are trying to say.

so yes i like it.

answer mine? http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

much love xx

Answer 2

Very good concept and from a unique perspective too but you're trying to hard to make the lines rhyme which detracts from what you're trying to say.  After a while it starts to sound Dr. Suessish.  I.E. "Shall I use it for a drink or a bite to eat? Should I buy a pair of socks for my very cold feet?"

If you're trying to make every line rhyme then mission accomplished, but it takes a serious subject and makes it comical.

Sorry to sound so harsh, but all the rhyming turned a potentially good song into a mediocre one at best.  Keep the message but lose the rhyming and I think you'd be good to go.