OMG issues issues issues... all relating to my father

Question

OK kinda long so please bear with me for a minute, ok my dad is not what you call "father material" not the best never has been and probably never will be which is fine, i accepted who he is a very long time ago but as a child it effected me alot, and i still have issues with the way he treated me, which i dont see, but the air force has told me, my old boss has told me and recently a psychic told me so i have come to the conclusion that yes i have father issues (lol) now last night i actually found out the one reason why all of this has happened... my grandfather is not my dads dad, some other man is, now my dad had no idea that grandad wasnt his real father untill he was 16 when he went on the hunt for his birth certificate, and my mum said every since then he had just been 'bitter' (which is understandable) i felt copmepletely torn up about it last night. now id had never really had soft feelings for my dad untill last night i couldnt imagine finding out what he did and having your own mother lie to you for 16 years.

now my questions are:

1. if you have had big father problems, how did you deal with them? i have seen a counsilor and she was useless but im about to find out what a psycologist can do for me, but im looking for others personal experience.

2. i have not seen my father nor that side of the family since i was 14 (now 19) and i want to find out who my blood grandfather is, and i dont think i can get hold of my dads birth certificate with out his written concent or... the record needs to be over 75 yrs old and my dad is only mid 40's, what would you suggest?

also my dad real father does know my dad exsist as he wanted to meet my dad just after he found out the truth, this man has always known dad washis son since birth so it would not be a complete surprise that i exsist.

oh please insight me into something :)

Answer 1

Very interesting problem, I wonder how many people out there are suffering from the same issue. What I think is that first of all the issue with long pending closeness with your father can only be solved if you can make him really happy. This in one way can be done by finding the real dad of him though it needs a lot of hard work as I can understad.

Secondly, you can seek help of local churches mostly the ones who knows the family of your father for a long time. Talking with the neigbours of your father's locality may also help. I think your grand ma can help you there if she is like helping kind.. Goodluck on your voyage. Do let me know when things get sorted out.

Answer 2

You don't have to tackle this entire thing at once. If it were me, I would first get into therapy to process the childhood trauma regarding an angry, belligerent parent who was quite intimidating. And I would talk about all the ambivalent feelings about dad. And I would talk about wanting to meet this biological grandparent: what that means, and what I hope it would accomplish. (I think you want to repair the family, but sometimes you have to repair the family inside of you first).

Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 3

Maybe you do you begin to understand some of your real dad’s perspective!  Fact is:

1. Because of our intensely subjective emotions, father issues, mother issues or issues with both parents can last a lifetime (even with professional help). Somebody has to start the reaching out, but both sides need to keep at it if they want to get somewhere positive in the relationship. You need to build a lot of patience since sometimes it’s like two steps forward, one step back!

2. Your first finding professional help most suited to you could be the right process forward for you in this. You need to straighten your own thinking/feeling before you approach your real dad (in the state he appears to be in), or any other member of his family for information about your real grandfather.

You’d then have more success with communications, and perhaps also with getting in touch with your ‘living’ roots.

Answer 4

speak to him about it, see how he feel with the situation, maybe you could find his real dad together.  it might bring you closer if you find out why he is the way he is towards you.