OPEN TO EVERYONE: Why is it so difficult for some persons to admit the good that comes from adoption?

Question

I'm curious what the answers are to this question. Since I have been blocked from reading and responding to the original, I thought it would nice for everyone to see the answers to this question.

I know that, for myself, I feel as though the good that comes from adoption is well-known. What is less well-known is that there is a negative side to all adoptions as well. (No, I'm not telling adoptees or anyone else how to feel. I'm simply once again pointing out that adoption begins with loss and separation, whether or not anyone experiences it that way.) That truth has been glossed over for most of my life (and, I believe, for long before my life began). So while I acknowledge adoption's positive side, I also speak out about adoption's negative side. This is the side that so many people seem unwilling to acknowledge.

What do others think?

Answer 1

Unfortunately, every adoption is different and therefore every adoption scenario and journey will be different.  As everyone knows, we feel blessed to have been able to adopt a child who truly needed a home.  Are we infertile?  Yes.  Did we feel incomplete without a child?  Yes.  Does that make us bad people because we wanted to adopt?  No.  

I do understand that many adoptions have been coerced or forced and that is truly a tragedy in so many ways.  However, I do not feel that is everyone's story and all viewpoints need to be considered.  All adoptions have a loss - yes.  All adoptions have a "bad" side because of that loss - regardless of the situation.  My son was in a bad situation when he was born, but he still had a loss, and he still will have to learn about that horrible time - so even in the best case scenarios, there is still a bad side.  I admit that freely and without any reservation, but I do also believe, that in many cases, there is still a good side to adoption also.  Are there "happy endings" in every case?  No.  But to overlook that there can be "happy endings" is not fair either.  Every adoption is unique - just as the faces of the children who are involved.  People who say that adoption is 100% bad or 100% good are not looking at the full picture.

Answer 2

PhilM you are a gentleman with an open mind and kind heart.  My personal experience with adoption is not good.

I have friends who adopted two children and pretended that they were their "real" children.  They bragged behind their children’s backs that they adopted in the era when it was still possible to have your adopted children "physically matched" to you.  Both children ran away from home when they were in high school.  Both were found on the streets and had to be put into rehab.  One still struggles with drug use.  The other just graduated from college (yah - she made it!).  The adoptive parents are classic victims of the "as if born to" brainwashing of social workers and have had to face the fact that their adoptive parenting sucked.

I was a teenager during the baby scoop era when young women were forced to give up their precious babies.  Yes, I know that was the past, but today those mothers are called whores and s***s and told to "accept responsibility for their decision (huh – THEIR'S??)" because they are finally brave enough to dig themselves out of their living grave and ask if their own flesh and blood are still alive.

Today in the 21st century I have seen the deception and dishonesty of adoption agencies and some (please note the SOME) adopters.  I have seen people trolling for babies here on Y!A, baby-beggars asking doctors to violate patient privacy laws and get them in touch with a woman who "does not want her child" (gag), and "insiders" in maternity wards who tip off social workers to solo moms giving birth.  My young pregnant niece was even approached by a woman in a grocery store who gave my niece her adopter "networking card".  Talk about the arrogance of entitlement!!  What my niece told the #@)*&&% cannot be written here.  Go M!!

I think that Americans are starry-eyed about adoption.  They are stunned when they find out that it is not win/win/win for everyone.

Despite my personal experience, I am heart-warmed when I read about people who provide care for neglected and abused children.  THEY are the real heroes and, sadly, the infant trollers try to bask in their goodness.  I want to believe in the goodness of adoption, but jeezzz it is hard given the abuses that I have seen.

Answer 3

I respect that you showed a different side however the benefits far out weigh  the negative. you should be grateful that a family will take a child biologically not theire and love it as ther own.

Answer 4

adoption is positive when it's done for the original purpose: to provide homes for parentless children, not children for childless parents.

i also think there i great deal of racism in adoption and it makes me sick!  since when did black and latino babies become "special need adoptions", available at a discounted price?

minority children are only valued when there's a couple in the wings waiting...then you are told, "what a loving, great thing you are doing..." one the other side, if you are black or the baby "might be bi-racial", some agencies have turned girls away and given them information about foster care.  

so much about, "we're here to help you..." as is purported by most adoption and crisis pregnancy centers.  they really should say, "we're here to help you, if you are not minority or might deliver a mixed-race baby."-- the hypocrisy is noxious.

yeah, there are some benefits...and there's some not so good things also.  thanks for the question, phi.

Answer 5

There are many good sides to adoption, there are many bad sides as well. When adoption is truly the best case scenario there will still be negative feelings somewhere in the triad. A natural mom may feel content with her choice but still mourn the loss of her child. An adoptive parent may feel joy at her newly adopted child and still feel the pain of her infertility. An adoptee may feel love and security in their adoptive family but feel the pain of abandonment or the loss of identity and their true roots.

Adoption has a place in society, but that place is still taboo and kept in a dark corner. The mainstream views come from warm and fuzzy propaganda as well as the current onslaught of celebrity adopters singing it's praises. Only the positive side is socially acceptable to talk about and the negative is not seen for what it is. An individual's emotions surrounding an aspect of their life. We think nothing of consoling a child or mother who looses a family member through death but we are often unable to accept adoption as a loss on the same level. Infertility issues are shown far more support and caring from the general populace. I rarely hear of a woman being tormented and told to "get over it" when she or her partner are told they will not conceive. I'm sure it happens but I see far more ignorance surrounding adoptees and natural parents.

H-E- double hockey sticks, even I, an "anti adoption terrorist n**i" can empathize with infertility. At 21 I had cervical cancer and was told I would never carry a child to term. That hurt. I was not married and didn't have either of my children at home. My hopes and dreams of a happy traditional family were dashed at my feet. What man would love a woman both unable to bear his child and unwilling to adopt? I dealt with it, got therapy and moved on in time. I was lucky enough to carry a pregnancy to term , and beyond LOL, but I had truly made peace with the notion that I would not. My last pregnancy was stressful and very complicated. I will never do it again, my body is simply not tolerant of the stress of a pregnancy any longer. Once again I have made peace with that and so I move onward and forward. So certainly I am very aware of the pain of infertility, I was just lucky enough to have three beautiful children in the middle of it. Adoption, when done ethically and empathetically, can be the best choice. But the darker side needs to be addressed as well.

Balance my friends, the entire universe survives based on a delicate balance, adoption is about balancing the adults needs and wants with the child's needs and wants. I don't find it inherently joyous but I don't find it completely evil either.

Answer 6

My husband & his sister was adopted and I understand where your coming from because there are times that my sis-in law wants to try to have a relationship with her birth mom and sometimes it's like pulling eye teeth from a lyon to get them together so yes I agree there are some negative aspects of adoptions

Answer 7

I dont know why people find it difficult. It really pisses me off too. Here in the UK there are no great cases of BAD adoptions, because social workers are there to go through the adoptive parents like a fine tooth comb, and make sure they are fit to adopt. I also dont understand why people think they have "lost their identity" either. If they were babies when they were adopted, then they are none the wiser in what life they were born into. There is ways and means in the UK of finding out about your past and roots as far as adoption is concerned. I am not sure about the states though. It seems to be a case of "i'm an adoptee, pity me pity me" blah blah bull ****. Your alive for godsake, be thankfull for that.

Answer 8

I think you nailed it, Phil.  Everyone wants to hear and talk about the good things about adoption.  But if I say the least little negative or even neutral (not glowingly positive) thing, conversation shuts down.  

A lot of good came from my adoption.  But I don't think I should have to preface every conversation about adoption with that statement so as not to be accused of being disloyal, ungrateful, or worse.  Very few people seem willing to think about how it might really feel to be adopted; they just rush on to "How wonderful!"  I'm left tiptoeing around their feelings about a thing that happened to me, and with which they generally have no experience at all, while they couldn't care less about my point of view.

Of course I don't mean everyone reacts this way, but the majority do.  Conversely, I don't know anyone who can't admit that some good comes out of some adoptions, even if they don't feel much good came out of the one/s they are involved in.

Answer 9

Thank you for posting this question.  I am always surprised by people who adress the other "side" but then do not allow them to answer or even view the question and then claim that the reason we don't respond is because THEY are right.  Umm...no.  I'm blocked.

Shady.  Very shady.

Anyway, here's my answer:

As in all things, there is good and bad in adoption.  I think it's shocking that there are those that refuse to see this.  Good and bad.  Positive and negative.  Yin and yang.

We are not cartoon characters and I refuse to act like one.

I benefited in many ways from adoption but I also suffered in being relinquished.

And I'm not going to pretend that adoption is sunshine, rainbows and puppy dogs to placate those looking to get a baby as fast as they can.

Answer 10

I truely understand. People always reply with "don't get an abortion give it up for adoption" yet there are kids overflowing from foster homes as it is right now. I would also wager that people saying to give the kid up for adoption have never adopted themselves.

Answer 11

What do I think Phil? I hear an echo in here from the exact same question I asked that you falsely reported and had removed. Why would the respondents on my question bother answering yours again? If you feel the good is "well-known" then you should have reversed the question. You just want to hear the same old negative broken record in here. The bad is all we are allowed to "hear" in here. The bad has been rehashed in here to death. Personally I never did like broken records. Why don't you guys just leave the rest of us alone and don't respond to our questions and the rest of us will do the same with you? There are many more important questions I'd like to ask but don't dare to because your group of terrorists will come in and infect everything. My child has health issues that I really need to discuss with other adoptive parents instead of this romper room's propaganda and lies.

So once again, I ask, why is it so difficult for some persons to admit the good that comes from adoption?

Answer 12

First off Phil let me  address Melissa G-

Melissa here is what you wrote "I respect that you showed a different side however the benefits far out weigh the negative. you should be grateful that a family will take a child biologically not theire and love it as ther own." ----but Melissa you are still glossing over Phil's feelings. Never in Phil's answers or questions has he ever said he was ungrateful for being adopted. You are ASSUMING that he is, because he says there is a different side to adoption. If you respect that he showed a different said then you wouldn't of told him to be grateful. Please understand that people have people have a different experince of adoption. This happens because people are different. To generalize someone and telling them that they are ungrateful is uncalled for.

Now on to you Phil,

   Thanks for opening up the question. I do believe that there are good aspects to adoption. I mean the way adoption should work out is that a baby is provided a loving and stable home to be raised in. I know that there are some adoptees that feel no need to search for their birth families. Or they feel content and satisfied, so they do not have the sense of loss or abanonment issues that some adoptees feel. This is what I feel there are two sides to every story. To gloss over one side of it is just wrong. To have a complete understanding of adoption you need to understand the views of a birthmother,adoptee and adoptive parents. There also has to be acknowledgement that some adoptees have had negative experinces that has lead to their views on adoption. As well as an acknowledgement that other adoptees have had postive experinces that has lead to their views on adoption. Either way people are different their life stories are different. To generalize a group of people who may say something negative as being ungrateful or anti-adoption is just wrong. I use to do that and i have now come to see that i was wrong. I hope that people will see that there are many different viewpoints and stop downing people that have a different view than them. I have alway enjoyed your answers and quesions, so please don't let such people get you down.

peace,

healing adoptee

Answer 13

I don't think this phenomenon exists only in the adoption forum.  Many people believe that situations can only be one thing: good or bad, sweet or sour.  And they refuse to acknowledge the duality of things, mistakenly thinking it will weaken their argument/position.

Answer 14

Of course there's a good side to adoption.  If there wasn't, there wouldn't BE adoption.

What gets me is when I try to talk about my feelings and I get shut down with "Oh just be grateful you weren't aborted" or "your birthmother was just a crackwhore who didn't want you anyway".

That kind of stuff is very hurtful.  You know what?  Maybe she is a w***e, maybe she's not, but I came from her genes, her DNA, she is part of who I am and I care about her, so to belittle her is to belittle me.

It hurts to think that the woman who created you, who brought you into the world and is supposed to love you, would give you away.  Mothers aren't supposed to do that.  And it hurts even worse when I can't even talk about it without being told to be grateful that I'm even alive.

That's my downside to adoption.

Answer 15

Thanks Phil, I was curious about that question as well.

There have already been so many great responses, so I will just add one analogy that I admit is not original to me (see below), but it seemed so appropriate here that I thought I would add it.

Adoption is like the elephant surrounded by blind men. Each of us can perceive only part of the elephant. To get a full understanding of the adoption, we need to hear from those with other perspectives on the elephant -- be they adoptees, adult adoptees, first/natural/birth parents, adoptive parents, foster parents, and including also all of these people from different countries. We need to hear from those who have been trampled by the elephant, and those who really love having the elephant around, and those who do love the elephant but think it is too darned big for the living room and would really rather have a dog. To have the full picture, we need to include all perspectives, positive and negative and in between.

Answer 16

I agree with you that there is a negative side to adoption, but if you think about it there is a negative side to just about everything out there, even some biological parents who have children mistreat,  beat and kill their offspring.  

I am the adoptive mother of 5 children, and I love every one of them!!!!  I can't imagine my life without them.  When they're hurt or upset I'm the one they call MOM!!!

I  never started out in life with the plan to adopt children, but I found a little boy who needed a home who was in a foster home at the time ( who was being abused physically and phsycologically in the foster home ).

The little boy sought refuge in my lap, and it was all over at that point, I loved that little boy.

After I became licensed as a foster home for the state, four more children came into our lives, one by one.  I couldn't turn any of them away, so we ended up adopting all them.

I have eight children, three biological, and five adopted.

All of them are my REAL children.  

As with anything in life, we have had some struggles, but can

we honestly say that leaving kids in unsafe living environments, where they may have been abused, neglected or otherwise is better than putting them into loving homes where they can be nurtured?

If you talked to my children they would tell you that they wouldn't trade us or our home for anything, We love each other!!!

Answer 17

I think there is good in adoption when -

* a child who NEEDS a safe and caring family - gets a safe and caring family.

* there is complete openness in the adoption for the adoptee - they know they are adopted - they know about their first family - and if possible have actual physical contact with their first family. (if they can't - then the adoptive family should do all in their power to try and get as much information as possible - and allow the adoptee to have that information - it belongs to them)

* when two families come together for the best interests of the child - not trying to make another family and forgetting about the first families loss.

* when their is open communication between both sets of parents - again it's what is best for the child. (as long as it's safe for the child)

* when adoptive patents don't try to change everything about the child - so that they can pretend that the child was born to them. Adoptees are 50% nature - 50% nurture - both should be embraced by both sides of the adoptees family.

* when both families allow the adoptee to know all they want to know about their own adoption, about family history, about medical history. When either side does not allow contact - it's harmful for the adoptee.

* when adoptees are allowed to grieve for what they have lost - and not be continually told that they should 'get over it' and be grateful for what they have got. No child wants to be separated from their family (and country and culture - if they are IA) - empathetic, knowledgeable parents are what the child needs.

Answer 18

i don't like them telling single girls that they should give the baby to a loving two parent family-many of which divorce before the child is raised.

Answer 19

Wow, so many good points.  I can say, being a natural mother, that my experience was a good one.  There is still some occasional pain, but I knew that I was making the right choice.  While there would have been no shortage of love if she had remained with me, her homelife would have been far from stable and emotionally, I was unprepared for another child (I have a four year old also).  I did what I did for her and for my older daughter.  I barely manage with one child, there was no way I could manage two.  The couple I had picked for baby Z were nice and very sweet (I took to the prospective dad more so than his wife, but I think we were all just a bit nervous).  They accepted their inability to have children many many years ago and had only just started in their adoption process (just gotten everything done and had only waited about six months).  Baby Z was meant to be their baby.  We exchange occasional photos.  They even sent my daughter some presents for her birthday.  I just shipped their Christmas gifts.  So, yes, there is some good adoption.  I placed for all the right reasons.  I was not emotionally prepared for another child.  But this does not mean that those who hurt are non-existent.  Their feelings and opinions are just as valuable.  People need to know that adoption is not all roses.  Adoption is not a quick cure for infertility.  Prospective adopters do not have a "right" to parent a child.  Being able to parent a child is a PRIVELEGE.

Oh, and for those who are still going to remark: "Be glad you weren't aborted"....Save your breath.  Unless you understand all the feelings involved(natural mother, adoptee, understanding adoptive parents), don't open your mouth...you will just end up making a bigger AZZ out of yourself.

Wow, I'm blocked from some of the others, too.  Just because we don't agree with their "adoption is such a win win situation", they go and tattletale to Yahoo.  WUSSIES!!!!!

Noodles, what lies do you speak of?  That there is bad in adoption?  That natural mothers aren't all  teenagers and crackwhores?  And why have I been blocked by you when I have done no wrong towards you?  I suppose you are deaf and blind to the truth about adoption with some cases.  You got your baby.  And that was all that mattered to you.  I held no ill will against you until now.  But to say that we spread lies is exactly why we keep fighting back.  Our voices need to be heard and we will never be silenced.

Answer 20

Phil, thanks for reposting this question.  I, too, am blocked.

Apparently, I have joined the group of those whose experience and perspective on adoption aren't valued...which is so ironic, since we are those little babies that everyone wants to get their hands on so badly.  

Where once we were so valuable, now we are excess baggage.  I guess when we grow up, we're not so cute and lovable...once again proving, it often really isn't about the baby that's being adopted at all.

I really get a lot out of reading ALL perspectives on adoption, because every time I read or answer a question, I am forced to face, think through, and articulate the emotions that have been pent up inside me for my entire life.  I'm finding this to be extremely therapeutic.  

I am more than happy to acknowledge the good side of adoption, I had good and loving adoptive parents, and I would never blame them for my being adopted or the pain it has caused me.  But I'm with you, there are too few who will acknowledge the dark side...the loss, the isolation and the pain.  If there are those who are adopted that never experience these things, then I am so happy for them, I really and truly am.  They've been far luckier than I have been.

Answer 21

I for one had a great adoption experience.  I've not regretted giving my baby up for adoption even one time.  I carefully picked her parents from hundreds of couples, and I know that they are doing a better job than I ever could have dreamed of doing.  They are wonderful people.  I now have two children of my own, and my stance has still not changed.  

My husband was adopted, and did not have a good experience.  His adoptive parents were not able to offer a stable home.  His parents are both alcoholics.  I can see how this may bring people to believe that adoption is not such a great experience.  But it doesn't mean that it's always bad.  It can be just right.

Answer 22

I think, as with so many things in life, there are positives and negatives to adoption.  For some to generalize and make out adoption to be ALL negative is wrong, just as it's wrong to act as if adoption is always positive for everyone involved.  The truth is, there are so many different circumstances which lead to adoption (both from the birth mother's to the adoptive parents) that it's really not right for ANYONE to judge.  Since coming on this site, I have advocated for everyone to just try and see both sides.....not to invalidate ANYONE's experience whether positive or negative.  While most respect that general courtesy, some on here seem h**l bent to disrespect anyone who dares to disagree with him or her.  To me, that's nothing but an ignorant, unproductive way to be.  I think everyone should just agree that yes, there ARE negatives to adoption and yes, there are positives period.  People who are negative toward adoption shouldn't make adoptees who have a happy experience feel as if they are somehow weird or alien because they ARE happy.  And vice versa - adoptees who have had great experiences shouldn't try to invalidate adoptees experiences that were negative.  As you said above, no one can tell someone else how they SHOULD feel.  That's just wrong.  Their feelings are based on their own personal experiences so to imply "well, you SHOULD feel this way or that way" is really offensive and TASTELESS.

Answer 23

Phil I know that I for one to not have a problem with the other side of adoption, in fact I have visited almost every adoption site link that has been posted. I do however have a problem with people here who have attempted to discredit me, thumbs down me just because of who I am.. example when someone asked about adoption in Romania and 3 people felt it their duty to thumbs down me on a correct answer, as well as those people and they know who they are who have send me horrible emails about my job and my life suggesting I should promote abortion instead of adoption. My problem is the people not the information and I think I am not the only one who feels this way! I think that the negative side of adoption would be accepted here is a few certain people were gone.It is very hard to listen to the other side when they are screaming and terrorizing you.

Answer 24

Somebody already mentioned how there are many kids in foster homes. If i was ever going to adopt it would be a child from one of those homes. I also think that if you can have kids perfectly fine and you want to adopt a baby you should consider the poor children being shuffled around to different homes.

Answer 25

Who has ever said there's no good in adoption?

I've always been an advocate for adopting out of foster care.  I admire folks like BPD wife for taking on an enormous responsibility and saving a child's life who has a life-threatening condition.  Kids who are TRULY orphans, most definitely should have a home and loving parents.

But do we ignore the fact that even these orphans, these foster kids, these kids with medical conditions didn't also suffer a huge loss in order to "complete someone's family"?

The adoptive family's gain is still these kids' loss.  I think especially in the case of foster kids who suffered abuse, it is horrible for them to have had to lose not only their parents, but to lose that love and security that their parents were *supposed* to give them.  Do we just praise adoption and ignore the pain and loss that they had to suffer in order to become adoptable?

Do we ignore the fact that orphans had to lose their parents in order to bring their AP's so much happiness?  Don't you think these adoptees, though fortunate to have a good home, might still feel sadness in the loss of their original parents, their homes, sometimes their country and culture and people?  Is it so HARD to acknowledge this in the midst of celebrating?

Is it so difficult to acknowledge the fact that there is a HUGE problem going on right under our noses, in the form of a societal stigma against girls in China that causes an entire people to so devalue their girls in that they would abandon them in the first place?  Is relieving them of their children going to solve the bigger problem?

Or poverty stricken countries...is adopting their children going to help the rest of their nation?  Why are we doing so little, as powerful as a nation as we are, to solve the bigger problem here...adopting a few thousand kids a year is nice and good but what about the millions of other people who still can't afford to eat?  Do they not deserve food because they aren't young and cute?

I don't mean to preach but you know, adoption is used as an excuse to "save" people from poverty death but I don't buy it.  Nobody is doing anything to help these COUNTRIES.  

If you really wanted to help, why not donate your entire 30 grand to an orphanage and help ALL the kids, instead of lining the pockets of an agency to procure yourself ONE kid?

How many adopters would even THINK about actually upheaving their own lives, moving to the country where their adoptee lives, getting a job THERE, learing the CHILD'S language, giving up THEIR culture?

Why does the child always have to be the one to make the huge sacrifice and lose everything?

Too inconvenient for the adopters, perhaps?

So many things bug me about adoption, and most of it centers around the loss of rights, identity, culture, history, you name it...of the ADOPTEE.

Everyone wants a child but the child seems to be the one who's rights are most overlooked.

THAT'S what I don't like about adoption.