Obsessed with the IDEA of food?? - Have had eating disorders.?

Question

I dont know... I used to be about 30-40 pounds over weight. May not seem like a lot but Im only 5'4 and very small boned so I had a lot of fat on me. I went through every eating disorder there is... anorexia, bulimia, over eating.. in every way. I have now reached a healthy weight and a healthy place mind wise where I do not do these things anymore. But it has only been about a year and a half since these issues have cleared up. I stopped when I met my husband. I never had real doctor help EVER. NO one ever really knew what was going on - I did it all pretty secretly. People knew I was loosing weight and my mom called me anorexic as a joke - not knowing there were real problems behind it ( I didnt live with her). Now I feel fine. i worry about the way I look, yes but I eat normally and am healthy and not over weight at all.

But I feel like food still runs my life. I think about it all the time. I hate eating in front of people, even my husband. I would MUCH rather eat while he is at work. If he asks me if I ate something, even if it's not a big deal, I still feel like I want to lie and say no i didnt eat it. If he eats something that is mine, I feel angry. Really honestly angry - like how could he possibly eat that when he knew it was mine? But I don't want anyone to know that I feel this way because its JUST FOOD!! I dont over eat at all but i feel like people are thinking I am if I finish an entire meal in front of them - though if Im alone I have no problem. I watched an episode of "intervention" once with a bulimic girl and she said "I dont know if I will ever be OK with food..." It reminded me of me. Will I ever be okay or my 6 years of hiding eating disorders haunt me forever? Has anyone else ever gone through this aftermath?

I am the "pretty popular hairstylist" - it is sooo hard for me to admit that there are really problems deep down from my past as stupid as food. I fake okay and eat food at work, trying to make myself normal. And I know Im making it up, but I still feel like when I eat, people are watching me and judging what I eat and thinking Im too fat and I dont need it. I know it sounds like I don't but I promise I DO eat normally in reality - I eat a fair amount - but I feel guilty about it and judged by it. I like to go out and buy food during the day so that when my husband comes home, he cant tell that Ive eaten. Its weird and I wanna GET OVER IT!!

Answer 1

It sounds as if you've taken control over your problems with food in a way that a lot of people don't have the courage and confidence to (well done!), but it sounds to me as if you've taken this as far as you can by yourself and now need to seek some outside help in order to discover what is at the root of your problems with food.

It's a difficult and brave thing that you've done, and now you need to do something even braver. You need to talk to someone who can help you start to understand where your issues with eating, body image and your relationship with food stem from. If you do not do this I think there's a good chance that, after a long battle, your disorders will resurface and you'll find yourself unable to resist slipping back into familiar old patterns.

Take it from someone who's had a messed up body image and a crappy relationship with food her whole adult life, no matter how hard you work at it some things just can't be dealt with alone. You may feel that you don't need or want outside help, but until you truly understand where your feelings about food come from you can never start to move past them.

Good luck.