Ok, I finished this poem, What do you think? Critiques, please?

Question

Sitting on her rooftop

With all the pouring rain

Time has seemed to stop

But she will still remain

Sitting on her rooftop

The world spinning around

The rain will never stop

It pours to the ground

Sitting on her rooftop

Singing softly to the beat

The music will never stop

It continues to repeat

Sitting on her rooftop

Face, completely blank

Her thoughts have seemed to stop

No joke, no lie, no prank

Sitting on her rooftop

Completely content

Rain, will never stop

Giving its present

Sitting on her rooftop

Listening to the songs

They have a great meaning

And she knows she belongs

------------------------------------

Once again, i'll explain, this is a true story about me.

Now, what do you think? Please give me ways to improve it, and where it needs editting... And your overall thoughts about it! Thanks!

(im 14....)

Answer 1

this is actually a great poem!!i dont think it needs editing!!i admire u actually i love poetry writing is so amazing and fun!!this poem speaks to me!!u rock

Answer 2

I think you could improve the cadence in places, and I think you could bring more focus to it by removing the extraneous bits that are there simply to provide a rhyme (e.g., "No joke...").  Seeing as how you finished this in probably a couple hours (I'm guessing, based on your other question), in a couple more hours you could really make this one sing.  

This is good for a 14-year old, IMO.

Answer 3

like it heres mine give me feedback please  im capativated by the essence of beauty radiating off her skin such a beautiful site its a intense struggle to simply look the other way trapped in a dormant state of mind as i gaze upon her long luscious envirgorating hair i morph into the form that of a statue as she stares with those deep penetrating eyes i could stare right back into them for hours at a time her sweet innocent laughter illuminates my soul engulfing me with sheer joy she travels with such grace and such flair like an angel without wings her lips are so delicatley soft like a fluffy white cloud a mere hug from her instansouly erases the negative emotions that the day has inflicted as if an ivisible needle injected me as she spreads harmony where ever she may walk seeing her pearly white teeth causes me to smile as well as she draws closer my heart flutters as her seductive lips meet my face i change into a diffrent color known as red her voice omits s*x appeal drawing me to her as moth to a flame i feel at ease as

47 minutes ago - 3 days left to answer.

Additional Details

45 minutes ago

she fondles my muscled heart i wish to never leave her presence i wish to be confined to her love for all eternity

Answer 4

Sitting on her rooftop

Completely content

Rain, will never stop

Giving its present

Sitting on her rooftop

Listening to the songs

They have a great meaning

And she knows she belongs

Is where you lost me...... I'd change "giving it's present", and what do you mean she belongs? just curious

It's interesting to read ^ ^

Answer 5

I think it is very sad.But you have a very good poem to work on.It doesn't quite flow easy enough for me.The thoughts or emotion are a bit lacking in definition.Take some more time +self edit it,trying different words.....that flow like the rain sliding off the roof.I am sure that you can and will be able to turn this into a GREAT poem.Much luck with your writing and keep it up,you are quite good.

Answer 6

Amazing :P

Answer 7

WOW, that was amazing, i feel that when poetry has been written about true events then it is powerful and this is certainly powerful. Well done and keep them coming!!

Answer 8

its really good, i actually really like it