Ok, i did some editing....is this ok?

Question

Seven Bells

By Jonni F

Seven bells hung in trees

waiting for an errant breeze,

all made of brass, painted blue,

they played their song,

for me and you.

One for A, one for D,

in sturdy, thriving maple trees.

One for S, one for T,

one of course, for lovely B.

All hung with care, for all to see

In ancient, gnarly apple trees.

We hung yours in a gangly pear,

together, with the greatest care.

Mine in cherry, you held so dear,

Its chiming said my soul was near.

Five bells now hang in the trees,

I wonder…do they catch the breeze?

A and D and S , B, T

Do they ring out joyfully?

Mine is gone, it doesn’t ring.

I left yours with common things.

I close my eyes,

I almost see,

when seven bells

hung in the trees.

Answer 1

What a song this would make!! Just Lovely!! Cheers!!

Answer 2

My teacher tells me poetry should sing.  This does.  Pretty good editing.  I love this mystery!

Answer 3

My answer is still the same. I like it. write more !

Answer 4

Very nice. If you are aiming for meter, read it aloud first.

Answer 5

Better than the one about cats, but still needs work.

(My comments on the cat poem have been deleted. Since when did giving an honest and sincerely held opinion on a poem count as an insult? Right, own up...who complained? I'd be surprised if it was the author.)

Answer 6

Still ringing, I agree with Elaine on the reading it out loud advice.

I try to pretend like I'm at an open mic poetry reading with a broken microphone. Not that I can really hear my voice but I can always feel it in my chest. If it's hard to say--it's hard to read.

e.g. "All hung with care, for all to see / In ancient, gnarly apple trees." is a tongue tripper. Try just using "old" in stead of "ancient" or switching "gnarly" and "ancient".

all HUNG / with CARE / FOR all / to SEE

IN gnarly / anCIENT / APple / TREES

This is just my take on how it's stressed; I am by no means claiming this to be "the" way. For example gnarly has a stress by it self GNARL-y, but when used in that first foot it becomes almost impossible to stress it that way with the "N" sounds of in and narl, therefore I turned it in to a dactyl foot i.e. (/^^).

God I hope that didn't confuse you.