Question:

Ok I Don't mind If You Dislike This, But Only Constructive Critcism Welcome?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

Fingers numb catching for the latch

Line after line, lying in bed to sleep off

The forces tugging one way to the next

Brilliant blue sky trapped by the sea

Set of to sail in his beautiful ship afloat

The T.V. visions scream, dying to be famous or free

Surrounded by a crowd so large my mind blanks out

Music fades through, headache turning uncontrollable too

Wishing to jump across the running freight train; be collected in pieces

Burn the bible no, you can’t do that, and it contains a truth!

Ghosts haunt you one day to take you off set you down away

Blood inside ain’t red its blue stay collected but never keep to the truth

When I first got caught in the trap, I never wished to break the spell

But know I’ve been trapped again, in a dream that I want to believe isn’t true

It can’t be better than the last time to true to true

Missing the tobacco cough caught in the back of by throat

Burning my thoughts from black to you

Burning my thoughts from lies to truth

The lady of the snow cold and alone

She cries every night; the freeze has its own hold

When the summer comes the lady of the snow has to run

I wasn’t asked to go but I followed, my curiosity all along

But they said it killed the cat, and fear grips, despite it all

I surely don’t have nine lives, just the one and it’s....

And Regina’s words go round again, torturing me

I hate the music cuz when you catch a tune

You sing along until your head turns to

Now slow down, I’m too cautious to being going so fast

Wake every day at a time set by the few, by the few

Wash, eat, leave, go home, eat and sleep.

Eyes falling into a daze, unfocused on the...

Spacing on her hair long blond

Unfocused at a task at hand

Fingers numb catching for the latch

Line after line, lying in bed to sleep off

The forces tugging one way to the next

 Tags:

   Report

6 ANSWERS


  1. Wow, that's really good! Great work there, very impressive :-)


  2. Horah, for randomness is what I think about it! *waves randomness* I can tell you have a very unique wrighting style for this poem. It is good.

  3. I really like this. It's scatterbrained... but in a good way I think. It kinda sounds like a random train of thought, where one thing triggers a memory to another and so on.

    It's interesting, I love the way you use images and emotions... the combination of the abstract and tangible is really great.

  4. Wow nice little poem you got there. Well did you write it yourself? I'm a little confused, but it's impressive anyway.

  5. Its missing a certain panache. You try a better central theme, maybe? Shorten it a bit?

  6. Like your other contributions, this is powerful and insightful, but suffers from excess verbiage.

    You will increase the effect sought considerably if you carefully consider which words are 100% necessary, and which can be coalesced into a briefer but more potent expression. That, after all, is what poetry is all about: the maximum effect with the minimum word-count..

    Look at some T. S. Eliot and Ezra Pound poems: economy of words, full effect.

    Otherwise, good stuff!

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 6 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.