Ok ive been having confusing thoughts on this whole adoption thing for a while as i am adopted but i dont ..?

Question

understand how can someone just give up a child? And yes i have heard the whole "they wanted the best for you etc" thing, but that doesnt explain then why they got pregnant in the first place, or even why they didnt get rid of the child instead. Because although the whole "they wanted the best for you" approach works.. what happens when the adopted child grows up with small thoughts, thinking 1) i was a mistake and 2) i wasnt wanted by my "birth mother" .. how do you overcome these thoughts??

Answer 1

You need to consider all of the possible positive reasons that could very well be behind your adoption.  This article is a thorough discussion of the subject:

Answer 2

Some people do no believe is abortions so if they get pregnant. Its either keep the baby or place it for adoption. Some parents cant properly take care of their children, I’m not just talking about financially.  They may feel they aren’t mature enough at that time to parent a child. They may have issues of their own, addictions, unemployed etc.  

I hope you find some peace of mind someday. I truly feel blessed that i'm adopted and have never had some of the issues that some adoptees have.

Answer 3

i dont get that

Answer 4

First of all I am adopted too.  It isn't fair to be so jugemental on these people.  Giving up a child is hard and is better than killing it before it is born.  It helps them to not feel bad because they know their child is alive and they can hope it is safe. Sometimes getting pregnant is not a choice. Maybe it was rape or maybe not good birth control.  I don't have negitive thoughts because I have had a happy life and I understand that my birth mother was doing what she thought was best. If any adopted child is having negitive thoughts I would suggest counseling to see why they feel this way.  Life is complicated for both sides.

Answer 5

The reality is that you have a right to feel any way you want about your adoption.  And you have a right to ask questions without being told that you should just be grateful.

Adoption is a tricky subject but the reality is that you have the right to grieve the loss of your original family.  You have the right to question your own reality without feeling like you are betraying the people who raised you.

I guess my only answer for you is not to let anyone else dictate your reality as an adoptee.

You have a right to explore every angle of who you are and how or if adoption changed you as a person.  And you have the right to take as long as you want to find those answers.

Many of us adoptees have never been allowed to explore our origins, instead, we're just told to be grateful and live in the future. That seems odd to me especially when so many non-adopted persons are so very into exploring their own geneology.

I think it's ok to recognize who we are and where we came from.  I think that is very healthy.

As far as being a "mistake" I think that is something for you to decide.  I felt that way much of my life until I met my firstmom and learned that I was never, ever a mistake and that she did indeed want me very much.

We as adoptees are not always told the whole story of our adoptions.  It is dangerous to make assumptions.

Answer 6

I am adopted as well and I am extremely grateful that my birth mother decided to place me for adoption. My mother was 24 when she had me and a seamstress. My father was a college student and left her when she found out she was pregnant. Am I mad at my mother for place me for adoption? No. And no I don't think of myself as a mistake. Yes, I was unplanned but that's all that I was unplanned. She loved me enough to place me for adoption. If I had been a mistake, she could've just chosen to terminate the pregnancy.

You should never think of yourself as a mistake. I don't. My birth mother simply didn't have the resources to care for me and she made the best decision that she could. I give my mom lots of credit for being brave enough to do something like that.

Answer 7

Ok, for me I was adopted as an infant and I never gave much thought to it.  It is something I always knew.  I had a great family and a good life.  My parents, too, fed me the story of how I was "chosen" and I was special..you know the routine, but still I was content! UNTIL...my husband talked me into searching for my mother, now I am a weepy, pitiful mess.  I dont understand these feelings I have and how all those years (I'm 32) I was fine..or so I thought.  I am just in the beginning stages of my reunion and let me tell you "overwhelmed" doesnt begin to cover it!  I get what you're saying about underlying thoughts of abandonment and I understand how it has a huge impact on ones life but you have to know that your self worth should not depend on someones elses actions or words.  You ARE special, all of us are, not because you were "chosen" but because you are you...regardless of your birth history. I hope you find some peace.

Answer 8

Things happen in life. I can't explain why she did it. Given the choices out there, I am guessing it was the best. Only thing I can suggest is ask her . Your in my prayers

Answer 9

"but that doesnt explain then why they got pregnant in the first place"

They got preg because they weren't using protection..

I would just move on if I were you. You are lucky to have the family you have now.

Answer 10

Me, my brother, and both my boys were "mistakes" that weren't put up for adoption.  So on that angle, I can tell you I even questioned if my parents really wanted me when I was younger.  Knowing, or even just thinking, that you were someone's mistake is sometimes hard to deal with.  Even my best friend's mother was paid to have an abortion.  The fact that she was kept, and even that my parents actually took care of me, or in the cases of adoptions, they found someone to take care of their child, means that there was love there.  No matter what sort it was.  I just say that because I've seen girls (I can't even call them women) that keep the child because "it's theirs and so they should have it."  Then they neglect and abuse the child.  Or even if they don't, they wind up being emotionally neglectful.  I'm not saying you should be grateful they did what they did, don't get me wrong.  But do realize that there was some sort of love there.

I can't help you with how to cope with being an adoptee, just being a mistake.  But I will say that both of my boys were considered for adoption.  Not because I didn't love them, or even didn't want them, but because I was scared that I couldn't raise them in a decent environment.  Thankfully, my husband and I managed to work out our budget, and we found ways that we could make a good life for both of our boys (though currently we're on welfare while I go back to school, but we're scraping by, and so far the boys are too young to really notice) but if we hadn't managed to get a plan together, at least one of the boys would probably have been adopted.

I don't think I could live without knowing what was happening to them, or how they were growing up, so I would have looked for parents who would stay connected with us, but even then I know it would have been hard for me.

I can't speak for all mothers out there, of course.  And I recommend adoption to everyone I know who might consider abortion, so I know there's other stories out there.  But that's as far as I can figure.  Of course, there is the other option: being an orphan.  Though I don't know how common that is.

Answer 11

i am adopted you just have to look beyond that stuff. first of all you were taken away and not wanted maybe the mom was too young maybe she was alone and didn't feel right raising someone by herself. maybe you weren't wanted but all that is past and done and now its you have a life and you are fine and my God you are live and living. so what that was then now its now. its time to forgive for whatever there reason was think about if you got pg and how you'd be at a young age they tell people let someone raise the kid that has a home etc. so why not. its bad to approach this with awful thoughts yes tehre are some that make mistakes and that is sad but hey at thet ime they didnt' kill you like abortion you were on eof the lucky ones take care there are so many out there that need to change their thinking i thank God every day i wasn't aborted because my mom planned on leaving she could hae you know and she knew for awhile its the best side i am here and fine. take care.

Answer 12

I didn't mean to get pregnant... and by the time I found out that I was, I was 18 weeks. I decided that I would keep my baby and struggle through, but not everyone is capable of that.

I don't think that you were unwanted, or unloved. An accident maybe, but no mistake. You were adopted, which means that you were chosen by special people, people who could overlook the fact that you weren't biologically related, but could love and nurture you anyway.

There's a thousand reasons why you could have been adopted out. And probably a thousand reasons why my son may have been better off if I had made that decision. The only way to truly find out is to try to trace your birth mother. But first, find peace within yourself. It's not the people who aren't around who define you, it's the people with whom you surround yourself.. and the way you live your life.

I'm sorry that you're so upset and confused, and i realise that my answer may not have helped much. I guess that raising my son alone, with no input from his father makes me wonder if I may have been better giving him to a 2 parent family.

Answer 13

I takes a lot of compassion and guts for a birth mother to follow through an entire pregnancy. Most likely your birth mother was too young to care for you and was trying to do the right thing.

And, there are many children born to married couples that are "mistakes".  So to me that's not a factor and you shouldn't think that way. Everyone was meant to be here.

Answer 14

There's nothing wrong with being adopted. Your real parents may have given you up, but think this:

You're here now, and so why not make the best of it? Let you real parents see that it was their mistake to have given you up.

And make your adoptive parents proud. Be proud of yourself, as well.

Answer 15

Focus on what you have...people who love you, and the rest does not matter.

Answer 16

Ok - look at it from the perspective of someone who's, say, 15 years old and pregnant today.  She could be 1) unable to keep the baby for financial reasons; 2) unable to keep the baby due to family pressures; 3) unable to keep the baby for emotional reasons; 4) unwilling to keep the baby because she was raped; 5) unwilling to keep the baby because it is the product of incest or 6) unwilling to keep the baby because she DOES think it will have a better life with more mature parents.

As to why she became pregnant - have you really thought that through?  Do you honestly think that a pregnancy where the mother ended up giving the baby away was planned?  That seems very unlikely to me.  The chances that you were/are an accident, at least as far as your biological mother is concerned, are high.  That's just a fact, and it's something you have to accept, and move on.

What you do NOW is up to you.  Your mother tried to give you the best shot she could, and that's all ANY parent can do.  It's just a different way for you, but I have yet to meet a parent who, at the heart of things, DIDN'T want the best for their child, even if they weren't very good at doing what that requires.  If you want to get past it, presuming you aren't too happy wallowing in self-pity (and yes, some people love it in that state of mind), quit looking back to a past that you can't remotely remember and a person whose motives are totally hidden from you, and get on with your life.  In the (extremely!!!) unlikely case that your mother took one look at you and decided - "God, I hate, detest, abhor this kid" (total nonsense, but I have to give you something ridiculous and extreme to make you see what you're actually SAYING), you're STILL better off because she didn't keep you.

I don't mean to be harsh; I just want you to see that if you've been well-treated as an adopted child, then you have it pretty good.  You need to quit looking to the past, and start moving toward your FUTURE.

Answer 17

Poss and Dory are right.

It helps so much to a) find others who have been and are "there", and b) learn about and face your feelings about adoption.

Sounds like you're on the right path.  Read as much as you can about the subject, and join us if you like!  http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Answer 18

Those thoughts are always there for me.  Always.  As a child of the baby scoop era,  I am someone's dirty little secret.  It irritates the tar out of me.  Abortion wasn't an option for my mother.  It was very much against the law.  Sadly I now know how she was treated by the so called best agency in the state.  My own adoptive parents absolutely  do not want me thinking that I should be grateful.  They also don't want society thinking that I should be grateful.  Even though my adoptive mother wanted me, she has encouraged me to have compassion for my natural mother.  I have also done my research as well.  97% of natural mothers want contact from their children long grown.  Only in our society do we condemn and idolize our mothers.  Sadly a majority of these women never wanted to give up their children.  OUr society forced these woman.  It really irks me that society has such a low view of mothers and children. Also back in the baby scoop era, they were not allowed contraception of any kind.  It was against the law for single women and men to have such things.

Answer 19

There is an enormous difference between BEING unwanted and FEELING unwanted.  When an infant is separated from his/her mother at or soon after birth, s/he retains an emotional memory of abandonment.  That memory lives in the subconscious mind and, no matter what s/he later learns were the true circumstances surrounding that loss (the mother's death in childbirth, an adoption plan with good intentions, etc.), the emotional memory of abandonment never goes away.

That is why adult adoptees struggle with these things so much, because intellectual knowledge, logic, and understanding never quite trump that emotional memory.  It hurts.  Sometimes it hurts a great deal.  Peer support (from fellow adoptees) is both therapeutic and comforting.  It usually comes as a HUGE relief to those who have previously felt alone in their experience - or believed that their feelings were "wrong."

Answer 20

this is my point of view on the subject. i feel that people who choose to have a baby and give it up for adoption instead of keeping it or having an abortion do it for many reason. ex. they couldn't live with the thought of killing a living thing. but the best way to look at adoption is there are a lot of people in the world who would make great parents who want a child more then anything in the world but can't have them. Then there are the people who have kids and don't take care of them like they should and the child is punished with growing up with someone who really doesn't want them. I don't think it's right that women go out and get "accidentally" pregnant when they have no intention of keeping the baby. But if the situation is to bad for a child to live i think the mother should make the decision to give her child to someone who really wants it and will give it the life it deserves. As far as the part of being the adopted child i'm not one so i don't know what your going through. but i don think you should put yourself in your mothers shoes and think about the life, family, and love that she gave you by giving you up that she may not have been able to give you if she had choose to keep you and that just may be the reason she gave you up

Answer 21

Your parents may have been in a situation at the time where they knew they were not fit to raise a child properly. I'm sure you are a lovely person but the truth is they probably did not want the responsibility of a child. I don't believe there is any sense in flowering up the truth and living a make believe story life as I have been in several group homes myself and have been around these situations. Your personality, and the person you are had nothing to do with your parents and the process that happened. I do not understand how people can "get" pregnant. Things like that don't just happen out of nowhere. There (usually) has to be a concious decision made by both parties to neglect the excellent pregnancy control methods easily avaliable. I am happy that you were not raised with an alcoholic or violent person to say the least. I hope the very best for you and take care.

Answer 22

Jessica,

It is soooo hard, it really is.  As adoptees we have ALL heard what people are saying here... all of it.  You should be greatfull, just be glad for what you have.  Your birth mother wanted the best for you, she loved you too much to keep you.  Heard it all, been there, done that.  

But no matter how you put it, being an adoptee HURTS!!  There are those questions in the back of your mind, there is always those questions.  It is NOT wrong to think them.  Feelings are NEVER, EVER wrong.  Its what we do with those feelings, the choices we make, that can be not the greatest.  However, the feelings themselves are not wrong.  Its what you feel.  

Just understand that you are not the only adoptee that feels this way.  No matter how you put it, adoption is tough.  I know, I have been through all this.  I am going to be honest with you here, those feelings don't ever really go away.  You just learn to deal with them.  You just have to think positive when you can, but understand that its alright to be sad too.  

Feel free to come join our forum, its a great place to talk to other adoptees about all those feelings and lots of other stuff too!!    

www.adultadoptees.org/forum

Thinking of you.

Answer 23

It's generally not a matter of not being wanted by your birth mother.  Many, many women chose adoption because they simply cannot care for a child...  Some girls/women have all the love in the world to give a child but love alone doesn't feed and clothe them.  

There are also many, many "mistakes" from married and unmarried people alike.

I think it's much better to give a baby the gift of life then to end it in early pregnancy...  I'm not against abortion, but I give mad props to women who can bless another family that desperately wants a child with that gift.

Answer 24

I pray you had a great adoptive family.Every women has a different story of why they placed their baby for adoption. I was raped by an estanged friend who was a known drug addict. He broke in my house,beat me,raped me and then stole my jewery,cash etc.. My 2 daughters were in their bed asleep during this. Yes, I became pregnant, I said no to abortion and yes to giving my daughter to a loving family that couln't have children. Yes, I love my daughter even the tragic way she was brought into this world. My peace comes from God and I believe the whole incident happened was so this famiily could have a baby. I'm not bitter at God  or any angry feelings. I love my daughter and look forward to the day she comes back home to me.

Answer 25

Honestly, I don't understand it either. It's a question that I've struggled with off and on for most of my life. It became even more apparent after I had my first baby and held him in my arms and knew I could never ever ever let him go.

I get tired of hearing people say "they wanted the best for you" because really, they don't know what was best for me and honestly, for me, the best thing would have been being raised by my natural mother.

My natural mom told me that if she knew then what she knows now she would have kept me. I don't think that it was because I was necessarily unwanted - but moreso that everyone around her told her that was what she had to do.

Even knowing that, those thoughts will still pop up and make me sad. Sad that she didn't do everything in her power to fight for me.

I agree with Possum - for me it's also not a matter of overcoming - not even learning to live with - but just acknowledging them and speaking with others that can help validate your feelings so you don't feel so alone.

Since adoption is viewed as a win-win situation and such a happy event, I thought I was the only person in the world who felt the way I did. The day I read my first book by Betty Jean Lifton was a true eye opener and for the first time in my life I felt as if I had a right to my feelings. Imagine that, it took 30 some years for me to feel I had a right to my own feelings? Nobody should have to be suppressed for that long.

Answer 26

First of all, I think it often IS true that birthparents make an adoption placement because they are trying to do what's best for their child.  You may truly have been wanted and loved by your birthparents, but they didn't plan on gettting pregnant and were not able to raise you.   You are right, though, that many adoptees have to deal with difficult information about their birth families.  I think whatever the issues were, whatever the reasons were, it is important to realize that it had to do with THEM and not you.  My daughter was born with a cleft-lip and palate.  While she was an unplanned, crisis pregnancy for her birthmother, her birthmother probably would not have placed her for adoption if she had not been cleft-affected.  On top of being a single mother, she couldn't handle the social stigma (international adoption, different culture), the medical attention she would need, the medical expenses, etc.  But, she DOES  love her daughter, is grieving that she can't raise her, and truly did what she thought was best for her daughter.  I watched her weep as she saw her daughter for what may be the last time (although I hope not).  How can I make my daughter understand these complexities?  There will surely be a time when she thinks her birthmother didn't want her because she was an "ugly" baby.  I hope we can help our daughter come to terms with it, and that she will come to believe the truth that she is loved by her birthmother.

Answer 27

You will find there are 2 groups of Adoptees and it is very obvious in the post and the thumbs... There are those like me who are happy with their lives, and love their parents and have no anger or bitterness over my adoption and those who are hurt, confused and angry over their adoption. I would suggest some soul searching and locating a support group of other adoptee's who are dealing and struggling with issues similer to your own and join up... It helps to know you are not alone in your feelings.

Answer 28

You are SO right Jessica.

It's as confusing as h**l at times.

(and it's not really about the reasons behind it - is it???)

Especially so - when all around you are telling you to be thankful for living and being adopted - and not being thrown in the trash can.

I wish that I had been told in the last 36 of my 38 years - that it was OK to be confused about it - and to feel pain from what is a really messed up situation.

I've finally found other adoptees that know EXACTLY what being an adoptee feels like - and finding validation for feeling yuck about it all at times is a very powerful and healing thing.

Feel free to drop on over to -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/

(a forum run by adoptees - for adoptees)

And here's some blog links to many adoptees from around the world - you are seriously NOT alone.

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Sadly - most of society today thinks that adoption is ALL sunshine and roses (and before I get trampled on here - no - not ALL adoptions are bad either) - but often when you do speak out - you get trampled down.

There is a whole heap of loss and sadness in relinquishment and adoption for the adoptee (and the family of origin). Only truly enlightened adoptive parents really get that.

I'm sorry for you, me - and all adoptees for being so neglected in this way.

For me - it's not a matter of overcoming the thoughts - it's a matter of being able to acknowledge that YES - it's a screwy situation - and that finding others that can empathize - is a truly remarkable thing.

Biggest hugs.

Poss. x*x

Answer 29

I agree with the other lady focus on what you have, there are too many variables as to why someone would give up a child. it is better that they give a child up insted of aborting it. life is preshus.