Ok some poetry I would like some feed back on?

Question

OK this i like my first one so dont be to hard on me. This came to me in the middle of class and i had to write it down so tell me what you think.

I will miss you forever

Though i never had you

My sun never rises

tell i see your face

my heart will drop

far below the earth

if I never see you

I will miss you forever

but we were never together

i stand in a crowd

unmoving and invisible

hoping to be seen

but far away form every body

my life is set in a stone

and i can not steer

But there is one thing to fear

and its you

you can pull my heart away

and drop it on the ground

but i need a chance

just one and, only one to be seen

and to be felt by another human being.

Answer 1

Nice idea but......Sort the typos first! :-) Secondly, form's a little awry. It doesn't scan well, you might want to try to get a regular syllable count to your lines. You seem to like 5 and then 8 or 9/10. Try and get those regular, it will read better and more importantly will sound better when it's read aloud. If you're going for short stanza/long stanza, try and get those regular too. I think your last line is too long. If you're going to set the reader up, drop them hard! Finally I think the poem is confused about who it is talking to. One person or everybody? Might be better if it was directed at one person.

Answer 2

I love it! I feel its personal, relateable and unique. I enjoyed reading it really.

Answer 3

You really are good