Okay, here is another to critique...?

Question

Barefoot Dream

Can you be the melting snow

and flow over me

and the yellow quilt of my summer bed?

In benevolent tyranny

leave a place for me to kneel

at the alter of our private banquet.

Will you be soul-drunk

on the surprised flesh

of a sweet fat grape

until I cannot tell

which way my thoughts are facing—

toward the wreckage of a faded suburban street

or the last few feet of a country lane

where two dragonflies embrace

as they rise from the stream.

Do you invite me to sleep

under the skirts of night?

I think I would give anything

to wander off with you

in my ecstasy—

an ordinary insomniac

with a head full of lightning,

to barefoot country.

Answer 1

There are some good images in here, and some that are a little contrived.  I'm not sure I'd pair melting snow and yellow quilt in the same stanza...makes one think of "yellow snow"...really.  Also, "altar", not "alter", and banquets don't have either...so you might want to say, "at the altar of our private temple" or "temple feast".  Put a comma after "sweet".  I'm not sure that "wreckage of a  faded suburban street is self-explanitory...why would a faded suburban street be a "wreckage"?  You need to ensure your metaphors are concise so the images are consistant...and that goes for "two dragonflies" who "rise from the stream"...what stream? country lanes don't have streams...they might be "by" a stream, but if so, you need to say so.  Again, make sure your images agree.

Overall I like the poem, but it needs editing...so start editing...and keep writing.

Answer 2

An ordinary insomniac with a head full of lightning ,I'm ready for more!

Answer 3

i love this!

Answer 4

I'm more into writing poems than reading them, and I suck at critiquing.

I rarely read poems but I read yours.

First, (Have to say it) "at the alter of our private banquet."

Do you mean Altar, not alter?

anyway.

It's a good poem, Not my style that I like but At least it's got nice imagery.

Answer 5

Sorry , but that makes no sense to me .