Okay, parents, what am I missing?

Question

I recently got married to a wonderful lady with an 8 year old girl, and I noticed was that she was always flipping out at the poor girl constantly. I would tell her "Relax already, the girl is not hearing impaired!" but my wife would tell me I have no clue.

One day I came home to find a note saying "Hello New Dad! I'm going to NYC for 2 weeks, and Ashley is all yours to take care of since you seem to have it all down pat! Call my mom if there is an emergency. Good luck!" I called her cell phone, and immediately heard it ring in the next room.

It has been 8 days, and I am almost suicidal. If I tell the girl NO repeatedly, she acts like she doesn't hear me. When I put her to bed, she gets right back out. She whines and cries whenever I fix food she doesn't like and refuses to eat it--I end up feeding her pizza or whatever out of fear of her starving herself to death! (to be continued, I'm running out of space)

Answer 1

lol i need to meet your wife because she is a smart woman, hehe. srry your having trouble but this is a funny story, esp the part where she picked up and said nanny 911 whats your emergency lol =] maybe i should try this with my fiance?

Answer 2

WOW for one what guts it is of your wife to pick up and leave like that. Strange marriage to me with lack of communication.

BUT as for the girl which is now your responsibility I would suggest doing some reading on parenting. Also when it comes to meal time she will eat eventually. Make what was planned for dinner if she pitches a fit awe well. You are the parent and not her slave, she is just trying to see how far she can push you and you are letting her. As for you wife yelling and screaming all the time she needs to take a parenting class and learn a bit more destressed. I highly suggest it from experience., I have a 2 1/2 yr old and found i was always yelling at her now with help from a parenting councilor i see the "light" and realize I was the enabler and made her what she is ...With you situation though at 8 yrs old it might be more of a struggle but do it now before she is a teen cause you could end up with a rebellious teen that is pregnant.

So do you family some good and get educated on parenting. Kids do not come with a manual and we don't always have the natural parent skills so be the adult and get help. Good luck and stay firm!!

Answer 3

whatever you do, DO NOT GIVE IN TO HER. it might make her like you, but then you lose any form of authority. if she doesnt want to eat it, dont make her something else... put it in the fridge and say, well when your hungry there it is! she will eat it eventually! parenting may seem mean, but you will make your children into better people, and they will love you for that.

Answer 4

bloody h**l i feel for you

if it was me i'd slap her til she like

ended up in a coma,

but anyway

just like

try to make friends with her

give her like sh;tloads of shoclit+bad stuff

have fun with her

its the only way i think she will shut up + go to bed when you tell her

or, just dump her with your wifes mum for the rest of the time

also why would your wife do something like that ?

;l

anyway

good luck

Answer 5

I suggest family couseling. The child has major issues. The problem is that it appears that the REASON she has issues is because the Mom is a basketcase. What kind of Mom walks out without warning leaving her child for over a week with stepdad? I'm a stepdad, and there are some things I just can't do with my daughter. She needs her Mom. Don't get me wrong. In an emergency, I'd handle her for a few days, but if Mom walked out for no reason, she could stay gone for all I care.

Answer 6

How long was this girl without a father? I think she has some issues with her dad not being there and is acting out.  I have a 7 year old and she doesn't act even remotely close to that.  Her mom was probably too soft on her for too long and it shows.  Keep doing what you're doing.  If yelling is working, then keep yelling.  If she doesn't eat the dinner you make - you know what? Tough luck.  She will eat when she is hungry. SHE WILL NOT STARVE.  You can't cater to her.  She needs to know the rules and stick to them.

Answer 7

I understand that this is hard for you - but try to look at it from the kid's point of view. Here she is with new dad suddenly thrust into her life just a short time ago - and now mum's upped and left her with no warning. She must be scared out of her wits and wondering who she will be given to next.

I really would try sitting down with her. Say you didin't know this was going to happen, you understand she misses her mum, you're doing your best - and ask her to work with you. I mean, all kids whine when asked to eat food they don't like - but an eight year old is old enough to understand that they will get sick if they don't eat healthy. See if you can get her involved in what dinner is going to be - she does need something healthy even on a short term basis, but it really doesn't matter for a week if it's the same vegetable every day.

Answer 8

There could be a medical reason for the girl being like this.  Maybe she is autistic, or ADHD, or has a processing disorder.  I would take her to a neurologist first.  IF the neurologist says there is no issues, then I would go to a behavior modification specialist, and I would start going to family, and couples counseling.

Answer 9

ONe thing that works for kids usually or even sometimes adults is negotiating........  tell her if she does...."blank" then she can do "blank"  always make the option she wants to do something that you are ok with of course and don't promise something you aren't willing to let her do/have.

by the way that doesn't sound very nice of your wife to just up and leave like that.........you guys need to talk...........if my husband did that to me I'd be very upset.

Answer 10

Hehe... Sounds like she doesn't respect you or she's just testing your limits.  Kids do that.  So far I'd have to say that first you have to solidify your relationship with her.  Spend time with her, take her out to go do something fun.  Pay attention to her instead of whatever it is that she likely feels is more important to you than she is.

Second, get some respect going.  Yelling doesn't fix anything.  Remain calm, firm, and fair.  Explain what you're saying and why you're saying it.  You may have to administer a little punishment to earn some respect.  I'm not saying to beat her or anything, but perhaps no TV until she eats her dinner type of thing.  If she doesn't like what you've made, then there is always peanut butter. (Right?  If not, go get some.  It has enough protein and such that she'll survive until she'll eat what is fixed.)  Of course I trust you're not switching it up like it's usually hamburgers with Mom and now you're putting seared sashimi grade tuna with ginger in front of her.

Edit: And I agree with the first post.  Do not try to make her like you by giving in.  It's cool if a kid likes you, but they have to decide to like you on their own terms, not by what you give in to.  Hence the advice to take her out for something fun and paying attention to her.

Answer 11

Oh my gosh !  I have absolutely no doubt why this child is acting the way that she is - her Mother values teaching her a lesson more than she values saying goodbye to her 8 year old when going away for two weeks !  I think that you're doing all the right things - basically getting by.  I wish that there was some miracle cure but when a child has been this damaged by unresponsive parents, no, getting by is the best option !  When I was a child protection social worker we always used to say that the parents that we didn't trust were the parents that said "no I've never felt like hitting my child".  I have no doubt that she will drive you your very limits for the next (hopefully only six days) so ... lock her in her room for up to 15 minutes if you have to, just make sure she's safe in there and when possible remind yourself that it's really not her fault.

When your wife gets back THE MOST important thing is not to go "oh my gosh, I'm so relieved to have you back you were right your child is the devil" but to let her know "yes I'm so happy to see you, but I'm also so disappointed that you did that to me and Ashley, and I think that it shows that there are real issues that we need to work on as a family" AND GET PROFESSIONAL HELP - your wife REALLY needs it.  She is very lucky to have such a supportive partner and I'm sure she doesn't want to lose that, and Ashley is lucky to have a supportive (and relatively sane) person in her life - so make sure that it's the sane leading the insane in your house not vice versa.

Good luck and keep posting if you need to !

Answer 12

lol..lol...lol...that's a pretty drastic move on moms part!

Well, this sounds like a manipulative little girl that's not only trying to control you...but is also trying to test you....try this....

- be very non-chalant (ooh...you've made a mess....well, I'm going to bed now...)

- oh...you don't want to take a bath....ok...I'm going to mow the lawn

- oh...you don't want to eat dinner?...ok...don't eat

NO NAGGING, NO YELLING, NO THREATENING....she won't know what hit her....you KNOW it's only a matter of time before she says..."can I go out?'...you say "sure...after your bath...you can't go out smelling like that. Let me know if you need help"....then leave the room DO NOT talk to her...DO NOT get verbally dragged in by her...dosen't matter what she does (screaming, crying etc)...smile and say "honey, it's only a bath, let me know when you are ready to go."

- when she's hungry and demanding pizza....say "oh, I saved dinner for you....help yourself"....no pizza or junk...trust me she'll eat when she's hungry...don't make a power struggle of it all. AND if she gets out of hand...remember...NO YELLING...just put your ear phones on and make her understand that you're not arguing with her or getting into a yelling match....

She is testing your love for her...don't let her down...plus...when she's calm....take a minute to say nice things (she'll think you're so mad at her)...re-direct your energy/attention and compliment something (if she's acting like a 4 year old...then put her in that context and say something encouraging you might say to a child that age..."good job brushing your teeth".

Listen, if things don't work out...at least you tried. The fact that you're on yahoo just shows that you care (and a bit desperate...lol...we all get to that point...lol..)

Try counselling...or call your local boot camp for brochures and start leaving them around...she'll get the message loud and clear.

Good luck buddy.