Okay, why are people attacking us adoptees?

Question

i have read a couple of questions from dreamwhip,happy adoptee and noodlesmycat. I'm starting to take their questions personally!! Just because i'm for open records does not make me anti-adoption. Just b/c i found my n-mom does not mean i love my adoptive parents any less. I just wanted her to answer my questions. I'm here at my computer crying and being angry. I can't believe they feel that i'm c**p because i wanted to know some medical information(diabetes runs in the family), where I came from(i'm mexican-irish). I do know of case close to home that they were abused by their adopted parents. So i feel that there should be closer screening of couples. So the child will have a happy home enviroment for all involved. I just don't understand why they think i'm anti-adoption because i want to help other adoptees who are searching. I like this forum, i have had alot of questions. And everyone has been nice to answer them. I don't know i feel like such a loser because of them.

Answer 1

I hear you and I agree with Andrya.  The anger you see here towards adoptees is based in fear.

I find that some of the rhetoric spewed here has made me even more appreciative of my adoptive family.

They always tried their best to understand mysadness about being relinquished.  They never made me feel badly about having questions or negative feelings.

I mean really, can you imagine how hard life would be if your adoptive parents threatened to sterilize you every time you questioned anything adoption related?  Yikes.  That must be like living in a nightmare!

You feel your feelings and ask your questions and know that you are ok.

Answer 2

Speak your truth.

I don't have a religion, but I sincerely believe the reason all of us are here is that we may speak our own authentic truth.  

Keep asking questions, keep searching.  Don't close your mind to people who disagree with you--and don't let them hurt you either.  

I don't know you, but I can attest that you are not c**p.

Answer 3

Dear Healing,

If you will go back to Bella's Q&A, please, I left a message there for you. Out of redundancy's sake, though, I shall say it again. I have never thought you were anti-adoption and if you have misconstrued what I have said elsewhere, taken it personally, and had your feelings hurt, I apologize. It was never directed at you, I promise. The first time I saw your first post, I was so delighted to find someone who for once in this forum wasn't hating and blaming their parents and everyone else for their mistakes and problems. I enjoy reading your Q&A's and honestly feel that you are making a real contribution in here.

Sweetie, I adopted an orphan from Russia not from the US. Although her birth parents are deceased, we still have plans to revisit the city of her birth. I came in here also, looking for advise, help, info & support. Foreign adoptions have their own set of issues. Not once did this group ever say anything but grotesque and vile things to me and that I should take my child back and don't deserve a child.

I do not feel you are "c**p" whatsoever. I think it's wonderful of you that you found your birth mom and have no doubt that you love your parents as they adore you. You are not a loser, at all honey, maybe a tad naive, but no loser. I can't even comprehend what could have been said for you to think this? Please go back to Bellavita's question and read what I said. Now dry those tears & stop internalizing your anger. I did the same thing when I first came in here and was shaking and crying for several days and having nightmares from this group for calling me a "kidnapper", baby buyer", that my beloved child "will murder me some day" and, that I "didn't deserve to adopt my baby" and I am "a bad mother". Did you know that two of my contacts, who are both pregnant  teenagers have contacted me, terrified and confused because of these haters and one is so distressed by what that group said to her and the names they called her, that she is contemplating suicide.

Two of the top contributors verified to me that the anti-adoption gang has taken over this forum and ruined it. They rarely drop in anymore because of the threats and names they've been called. Oh, I wanted to ask you why you think I've blocked you because I haven't? Certain people in here are using their usual manipulative and deceitful practices to twist the facts around to try to make themselves look good.

Once again, please forgive me and please read the message I left for you on Bella's thread. And Carmen is right with her E. Roosevelt quote. Make it your motto. It's one of mine, too.

______________________________________...

Healing, I hear you and understand. I do agree that the system is in dire need of an over-haul. I am fully aware that there are good and bad sides to every aspect in life. I will go back to Bella's post and read what you said. Thank you for really listening to me and I do hope you will accept my standing apology to you if you mistook what I've said or felt it was directed at you in any way. I repeat, you are not nor never have been on my blocked list. I don't know why you thought this, but I'd like to know. I would be honored to invite you to be a contact of mine, if you would like. I value what you have to say, think and contribute and I appreciate that you have listened to all sides in this forum.

As for these other folks, I have pity for them that their lives have been so miserable and the fact that they are so angry and bitter. But I shall not tolerate their saccharine coated, manipulative, malicious lies, fabrications, distortions of the truth, delusional assumptions, pettiness, false accusations and flat-out slander. I shall not be their whipping boy nor shall I be blamed and accused for the cause of their problems. I am not a big fan of many agencies and certain kinds of attorneys, either. Yet this group has accused me and my friends of getting on here and searching for babies to steal and even being paid to adopt our children (I can't even fathom that one?). As you know well, how your parents would react to hearing this, why shouldn't the rest of us be just as outraged with these lies? I shall not stand idly by and watch them traumatize and tear to shreds the people who have come into this forum, earnestly asking for help and support. I'll say it again: They have terrorized my friends and contacts in here and in particular one very young girl who is pregnant and asked for help the other day. She wants to commit suicide now because of what they said to her and the names they called her. I am scared to death for this girl and have been trying to help her. We stayed up all night last night talking (& crying, also). Please keep her in your thoughts (& prayers, if you do so), as I will you Healing. Peace be with you and between us. Nite, Nite.



Marsha, I'm not going to get into an argument with you. You know very well what and whom I am talking about.

Answer 4

I'm going to get a lot of flack for my answer but here it is.

I have come to realize that the people who attack adoptees and others who are pro adoption reform or pro unsealing records are the people who feel they have something to loose. Most often, but not always, adoptive parents and potential adopters. Nobody wants to face the harsh reality that their perfect baby will one day grow to be a thinking, feeling adult. Even in the most perfect adoption there is a sense of loss. These people are unable to accept that what they were told about adoption is a falsehood. They desperately cling to the bubblegum version of adoption where all parties come out  winners. I can see where it would be hard to accept that adoption isn't always the perfect answer. I understand that it is always hard to accept that your children will grow up and start to think for themselves. I empathize with the pain of knowing that no matter how hard you tried your child isn't "perfect".

Any time a group is attacked it is out of fear and misunderstanding. Fear that we could possibly be right and justified in our feelings and misunderstanding brought about by the hidden agendas of agencies, doctors, lawyers and any one else who is profiting monetarily from adoption. It sucks to have to face the facts. It sucks that what we thought was best years ago isn't. It sucks that nobody wants to hear our side for fear of having to come to grips with an institution as valued as adoption having a dark and shady side. It all just sucks.

Don't let them get you down! For every nutter out there who tells you how wrong you are there is an adoptee who has felt your pain. You are justified in your emotions and feelings. THEY ARE YOURS TO HAVE! Nobody has any right to tell you how to act, feel or think. So continue to voice your opinions. Keep trying to help other adoptess understand themselves.

If we don't stand united then "they" continue to control us. Adoptees are thinking, feeling, unique individuals. We all have the right to our veiws and opinions. Please don't let yours be silenced by people who can never know how it feels to be in your shoes.

Answer 5

I understand...  It feels like there are two boards.  I read one where there are some serious disagreements, but generally I read adoptees reporting questions and curiosity (and sometimes some pretty bad experiences), and I see them getting thumbs down.  Then I read about this other board where there are all these "anti-adoption" fanatics.  I don't see their comments, but apparently they're out there...  somewhere.  

I have gotten thumbs down for writing what I thought were empathic responses to the question being asked.  I'm not sure why.  I just know I have decide if it's worth it to me to stay on here and try to answer questions from those who seem genuinely interested in the experiences of adoptees.

I'm sorry you've been feeling this way.  I hope that you know you aren't alone.  There are a lot of good people here.  The trick, for me, is tuning out the cranks and listening to those people who are genuinely interested in constructive conversation, whether or not I agree with them.  

The conversation here shouldn't be personal.  But those of us who have lived through adoption can't help but feel like our emotions are rubbed raw.  This, for us, is personal.  But when people attack us, instead of disagreeing with something we've said, it cuts even more quickly.  

I value your responses here.  But take care of yourself, too.  Don't hang out here if it's causing you such grief.  Come to the forum Marsha R points you to.  It's a good place.

Answer 6

I am sorry that you are feeling attacked and nothing you said gave me the impression you are "anti-adoption."  My husband and I adopted our son from Ethiopia and we were told to just forget ever thinking we can learn about his past but we had an investigation done and learned the truth, found family and can have this for him when he is older and has questions because when a child is adopted their first family is not erased (nor is all the history that goes with it).  It should be honored and respected as part of the whole person who is adopted.  No matter the circumstances of your adoption every adoption is bittersweet because as joyous as it is for the adoptive family there is sadness and loss for the family that endures that loss; even when it is the best decision for all involved.

I am glad your questions were answered and just know that most comments that are harsh and judgmental have more to do with the person saying those things than with the person hearing it.

May God bless your journey in life.

Answer 7

I'm sorry you feel bad. You shouldn't.

People sometimes say bad things because they don't know better.

What people say though shouldn't be taken personally. They don't know you, the real you.

They don't know the things you've been through, they've never walked a mile in your shoes so they have no right to criticize you or people who've been adopted like you, who feel that it should be okay to find the birth parents - for what ever reasons you choose.

Also keep in mind:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." -- Elenore Roosevelt

I think she meant that someone can only make you feel inferior if you take to heart (personally) something that they say to you or about you.

Keep in mind that you are a special person, and what you feel is important, don't let anyone step on your feelings - it takes practice but it will make you stronger to keep at it and not let people's uneducated, rude, or just plain mean comments get to you.

Answer 8

oh, healing_adoptee, don't let them get you down. I have been labeled as an anti-adoption zealot and blocked by them, and I'm an adoptive mother too. Just because we aren't all "adoption is always wonderful! Please give your babies away!!" they think we're bad people. Do not feel like a loser, you are NOT a loser! Everything you feel is totally normal and there are a lot more of us out there just like you.

If they are happy adoptees, then fine, thats awesome for them. I had great aparents too and a great life also. We just happen to be more hurt over losing our original families and our personal history than they were it seems, but whatever floats their boat. That does not make it okay for them to call us n**i's, say we should be sterilized at birth or calling us out and saying we're anti adoption zealots or sociopaths and all that anytime we answer someone else. Its really just ridiculous. Please don't waste your tears.

ETA: Noodlesmycat, you said "from this group for calling me a "kidnapper", baby buyer", that my beloved child "will murder me some day" and, that I "didn't deserve to adopt my baby" and I am "a bad mother"."

Who said any of this to you? I know I've never said anything of the like to you or anyone else here. I don't recall ever reading anyone else here saying that your child is going to murder you or calling you a kidnapper? I can't imagine what the heck was said to make someone contemplate suicide or leave the forum altogether? You are more than welcome to go through my past answers and point out to me anywhere I've been rude, name called, or not done my best to give someone the best answer I could. However, I've had plenty of things said about me from your side. I think this rivalry is immature and petty. I think we should all go back to answering people's questions about adoption the best we can whatever our opinions may be and stop fighting with one another.

Answer 9

u have NO reason to feel bad about finding them. i am also adopted. i know exactly how u feel. my bio. sis. contacted me awhile ago. sometimes it is important to find bio-family, not just for medical history. just peace of mind.

Answer 10

I know what you mean.  For people who claim to love adoptees they sure hate the grown up ones!

I can suggest some better and safer places for you to express your very valid feelings without being told how you should or should not feel

Someone here even said that because of our views on being adopted we were n**i terrorists who should have been sterlized at birth!!! and then had the gall to say she had been falsely reported to YA  

You're right, adoptees don't deserve the bad treatment they get but some people are so heavily invested in denying our reality exists that they'll stoop really low to try to silence us

Speak up and be proud of yourself, you are showing great courage in doing so

Big hugs to you

Answer 11

Oh sweetie - please don't cry.  I'm an adoptive Mom and I hope and pray that my son wants to find his first mother when he is old enough.  

People who feel passionately about their "cause", whether pro or anti anything will fight tooth and nail to get their point across.  I have found that listening to them and engaging them in a peaceful way (non-confrontational) is the best thing for everyone.  You have an opportunity to learn about their perspective and they have an opportunity to learn yours.

I have a dear friend who is anti-adoption.  She is a first mother who was forced into placing her daughter up for adoption.  She posted some nasty things on my blog and instead of getting twisted over it - I let her educate me.  Now I fight for the rights of adoptees and first mothers to be heard and to be respected.

Find your first family.  The journey will take you to amazing places in your heart.

Answer 12

I know what you mean.  I was listening to Sirius radio yesterday, and this was one of the topics.  I am for open records.  I believe you should know the medical problems of your biological parents.  They said that over 97% of biological parents have a positive experience when they meet there biological children.  I would not love my adoptive parents any less.  Do not let people bring you down on here. Have a great day hun!

Answer 13

Sweetheart, you are the farthest thing from a loser I can imagine. In fact I applaud you for your honesty and forthrightness. Many are simply afraid of what you (and mothers) represent. They can't wrap their heads around the simple fact that all of us need to know who we came from and the why's behind our lives. They don't seem to realize that just as mothers can love more than one child, so to can children love more than one set of parents. Our hearts have a great capacity for love, all of us love people who are not related to us by blood. If we didn't have that capacity no one would adopt would they? You have to see beyond the angry attacks and try to understand that these people can't get past their own insecurities and fears. Do you know that some who protest so loudly against us are the ones who feel they will be abandoned by the children they adopted? They fear that they will not love them anymore, that they are being replaced nevermind that they were the replacement to begin with, but that is a scary thing for them to deal with. Most do not realize that by accepting their childrens need to search, to know, they would be strengthening the relationship they have. All they know is the fear of loss. But at what cost do they say and do these things? What cost to the very relationships they want to protect?

We in the reform movement deal with this every single day. Every time we speak somewhere we run across the scared and angry who would do anything to stop us from speaking the truth. Because they know that sooner or later we will win this debate and the face of adoption will change and when that happens their daydream "as if born to" world will crumble and the truth will be right there in front of them,. Then they will have to face the truth of how many were hurt, were lied to, coerced into surrender and made to feel 'less than." They can't stand the thought of that. Remember that those who do this don't have our strength, they don't know what being strong and brave really is. All they know to do is to hide behind the lies they were told and pretend that all adoption is good and happy, when clearly it isn't.

Adoption should always be a last resort, used when all other avenues have failed. IF child has to be separated from their parents look into family adoption, kinship care and gaurdianship before adoption is considered. Then and only then should stranger adoption occur. That is what we espouse, along with open records for all involved in adoption. Why is that so scary? Why is it so purposely misunderstood? Oh yes that's right, they want to remain in the daydream world don't they?

So you see it really isn't you, it is them. Don't let them get to you sweetheart. Keep right on speaking your truth and in the end you will be the bigger person.

Answer 14

Don't worry about them - they have the problem, not you.  When a woman has trouble conceiving, it makes her feel like she has failed as a woman (which is totally not true).  If they are upset that someone would want to locate their birth mothers, I would assume they are insecure because they fear that if their own adopted children were to do that, they would be afraid that child would not need/love them anymore.   They forget that a child has enough room to love more than one person; don't let their insecurities affect you.  I wish you all the luck with the relationship of both your mothers.

Answer 15

YOU ARE NOT a LOSER.

Of course it would hurt your feelings to have someone attack you for dealing with a very personal and tender issue.  That is their problem not yours, it reflects the kind of person they are not you.

People like that have been around for ages, they helped make it so difficult for adoptees to deal with the issues of being adopted, they want to shame you into complicity and silence.

Not having support for these matters makes it very difficult to navigate through them, I hope you can remember that you are helping other adoptees by telling your story, someone will come across it and feel like they are not alone, as you know as an adoptee, that is a powerful thing.

Not all adoptive parents/adoptees are like the ones you mentioned, don't let a few baddies skew your view, concentrate on the good you are doing for yourself and others.

You should be proud of yourself, it takes a lot of courage to speak up against such venom.

Answer 16

Don't cry sweety.  Your questions are a good valid point.  I would guess thought that some natural parents don't want to be contacted.  I would imagine that your adoptive parents should have obtained a complete medical history prior the finalizing adoption process.

Answer 17

I am sorry that some of the people on here have been mean. i am adopted and i got information and it was great. it wasn't opened for me and i still hve to get sealed records and i will its just taking time i live in texas and its in michigan but will get them. don't think any less of yourself just ignore these ignorant people take care.

Answer 18

In every forum, be it here or anywhere on the internet, you're going to come across these type of people.

They might not have even been adopted or touched by adoption, you NEVER know.

I am an adoptive mother, and though my children know where they came from (a neglectful and abusive mother and family), I always allow them to talk about them, and if they wanted to see her once they're grown, I would help them in finding her.

I agree with your thoughts about better screening of adoptive couples...however, remember, some people don't realize/know they're going to be abusive to children until they actually have children...the same as in birth children OR adoptive children.

I am one that believes that parenting should always be the first option for a birth mother, not the last.  If she doesn't have a good support system, regardless of her age, then she should consider adoption, BUT, she should make 100% sure that her situation isn't going to change in a year or 2 and she'd be able to parent the child then.

They try to tell biological mothers that they will forget, or the pain will lessen as the years go by.

It never will.

But, perhaps I just have a good coping system...I have never been embarrassed or ashamed that I have only been able to have pregnancies but not carry to term.  We wanted a family, not a pregnancy, so to speak, you know?

I guess that's why, as an adoptive mother, I can be so open minded to adoptees that are simply curious as to where they "come from" that others get so taken aback by.

Answer 19

There's nothing wrong with the way you feel.  My best friend was adopted and she searched for her birth mother just a few years ago.  So, I'm with you, I think we should have OPEN RECORDS! But I also think adoption is a wonderful thing.  So, don't let those others get you down.  Stand up and keep fighting!!

Answer 20

IMO, it's because adoptees who question their bio-ties shatter the facade that adoption is "a loving choice" and a win/win/win for everyone.  there are people who really wish that adoptees just "forget" about being adopted and never speak of their bmom.  not because she did something wrong, but because it opens a can of worms that many people wish to stay closed. questions regarding bio-ties bring up issues of the aparents' infertility, and other painful issues that many would just prefer to let lie.

when birthmoms speak out, they are silenced and told to "get over it, because they gave their children away!" when adoptees seek to learn about their n-parents, they are told "that they are ungrateful to their aparents."

there's a lot of pain and insecurity with adoption. and there are people who out of pain and insecurity, lash out.

please don't cry.  although it's tough to understand, most of what you question is beyond what you can control.  in other words, it's their issue, not yours...

Answer 21

I am so sorry that some people on here are making personal attacks.  Please remember that it is not YOU they are attacking, but a way of thinking that they cannot tolerate - in fact, a way of thinking that they believe is blasphemous.

Their behavior exhibits abject intolerance.  It's one thing to be a zealot - which infers a positive enthusiasm.  It's another to be intolerant, which infers bigotry.  Intolerance is associated with hate crimes, and we are seeing some right here with name-calling and references to sociopathy.  How very sad.

A desire to know one's roots has nothing to do with feelings about one's adoptive parents or adoption, as many have said here; neither does a desire to possess documents pertaining to one's own birth and natural history.

And to recognize that there are potentially damaging pitfalls to adoption is a realistic, pragmatic, and well-reasoned position.  Indeed, many adoptive parents have expressed the same position.

To express venomous intolerance to such realistic views and expressions of individual experiences on the very subject of this board is a red flag for those reading and trying to learn about ALL aspects of adoption.

If we were discussing marriage instead of adoption, a wide range of positions and opinions, I suspect, would be far better tolerated.  If one had a good marriage, I doubt very much they would be spitting nails at people who had a bad experience with marriage or had opinions about how to improve the institution.

Would there be people who would even bother to attack someone who said they were completely against marriage?  I doubt it.  Even if they took the time to argue, I doubt it would start an all-out war by an intolerant few.

But adoption, for some, is such a sacred cow that all reason is left behind and any little criticism is taken as an attack on their very existence (or, perhaps, actions).  Do they need so desperately to believe that there could not possibly be anything but good about their experience or actions?  NOTHING is 100% positive and, if someone believes so, they are only fooling themselves.

Answer 22

I'm sorry you are so upset!  Please dont let others get to you so much, they have no idea what exactly you are going through.  I'm sure there are some people who just want to disapear after putting a child up for adoption, but just as many who wouldnt.  Its such a personal decision and so emotional...If I got lucky enough to adopt I'd only do an open adoption, so that the mother would know her birth child was ok and the child would be able to ask questions if he was curious.

Dont let others get to you!

Answer 23

People say certain things out of ignorance. Theyre not in your situation, they cannot or wont empathize with it, nor do they have the capacity to care enough to want to understand. So they say things that are careless.

you cant let it get to you.