Okay I need some REAL advice, from someone who is deep and profound. Its about myself

Question

I am 18, starting college in about two weeks. Also lost, confused, and don't know who I am. I made a list of things that I hate and love about myself. The list of hate far exceeds the love. What is that saying, and what should I do. I no longer want to be unhappy.

Answer 1

your coming to a point in your life where you have to decide if you want to become a part of the problem or part of the solution. Most people hate more things about themselves that they like, and everyone gets anxious about joining the real world. some people cannot handle it and find other things to worry their petty little lives over, like drugs, alcohol, a girlfriend/boyfriend, etc... but most people are able to just grin and bear it and make it thru life. just remember that everyone has doubts about things like that, and dont get too caught up in it or else you may find yourself looking for the answers in the wrong places.

Answer 2

Talk to someone who loves and cares about you. Someone who you know and trust will give you better advice than anybody can online.

Answer 3

Firstly I think you need to look at those lists and ask yourself why you either hate/love those aspects of yourself.

Once you understand why you feel that way you will be better placed to see what action you need to take to either improve what you don't like or learn to be happy with who you are.

Answer 4

Sorry I'm not deep and profound but if you don't know who you are then you are bound to be lost and confused. Simply growing and maturing as a person will answer the question of who you are. Think who do I want to be and start there and work to attain that goal. There will always be things you hate about yourself. Focus on the things you love about yourself. Wisdom comes from experience and learning from your mistakes. Happiness is a state of mind and it will vary from each life situation. When you stop learning you stop growing. Life brings problems to us all, so be a problem solver. The solutions are there. Find them, but have the wisdom to accept the things you cannot change. Good luck

Answer 5

18 and confused.   That's just sooooo UNUSUAL.  lol.

Trust me; you're ahead of the game.  Many 18 year olds are profoundly unaware how confused they are.

OK.   Take a deep breath & let it out slow.   R U Ready?

Happiness is derived from the sense that you are successfully doing what you think you should be doing.

As a kid, you think you should be playing with your friends.  So you are happy if you are playing with your friends.

As we become adults, we start thinking we should be doing more than just playing around.  Biologically speaking, like all other maturing animals, we are learning to support ourselves and seeking a mate.

And so we start a list.   What we 'should' be doing.   We should get or train for a job.   We should attract a mate.   We should lose weight.  We should get better grades.  We should dress better.  We should make more friends. We should pick a college.  We should pick a major.  We should figure out what we should be doing.

We should, we should, we should, we should, we should.....

And since happiness is based on succeeding at what you 'should' be doing, the longer the list, the less likely you are to be happy, because the more likely you are to be failing at most of what you should be doing.  

So stop being such a b*tch to yourself.  You can't do everything at once.  See, every item on that list is can be a source of happiness, IF you can succeed at fixing it.  

If you stop eating junk food & get more exercise, you will start losing weight. And this will make you happy.

But if you can't commit to good food & exercise - the weight loss 'should' will make you unhappy.   Got it?  If you can't commit to making a difference, take the item off your list.  Because you are better off fat than fat, stressed and unhappy.

Also, beware of impossible shoulds.  "I should end world hunger" is just going to make you unhappy.  As will "I should get everything I need without having to work for it."

Now for a more in depth study of how this works, consult the writings of Tony Robbins.

But the bottom line is you can go from abject despair to profound happiness in an instant by simply deciding what you want & going for it.

Answer 6

U might want to start emailing us! And the first email should be ur love n hate list and why.

Answer 7

it took a lot of courage to get to where you are to form an objective list. everybody has flaws and no one is perfect. however, you should still strive for it one step at a time. pick an item from your list then improve upon it from hate, to maybe dislike or a small weakness of character, then to neutral, or maybe turn it into a strength. eventually, your list will dwindle and you will be a better and happier person tomorrow.

***

do you know why you have no friends? why your family don't take you seriously? if you understand where they are coming from, maybe you could better address those issues. maybe you need to build independence, self-confidence, ability, and friendly manners. what do people label you as in high school? maybe we could help you.

instead of trying to find a perfect friend, since no one is perfect anyway, look for the characteristics that you need from a variety of people. for example, if you need your car fix, you look for a mechanic. if you want an answer to a math question, you ask your teacher. if you need money, talk to your boss. there isn't one person or group that can help you on everything, instead get a bit here and there.

you will start college soon and this is a great opportunity to start fresh. join some clubs, join the church, go to popular hang outs and i'm sure you'll find common interests somewhere. having common interest and having something that people want is a effective way to attract their attention.

Answer 8

everything you hate about yourself that you can change, try to change.

probably the fact you found so much you hate about yourself and so much less you love has less to do with the fact you have little good qualities and many faults and is actually instead more like evidence that you concentrate and notice more your faults and not your positive attributes.

you should try to find out what you like, you do that by trying things, learning about what things are. then do things you like, and find like minded people. part of college is doing exactly that.  

Answer 9

1.I have often felt like this and what I can suggest is keep your mind busy.

You say you are starting college, so give yourself short-term goals, like you want to work hard and do well in the first college class test, or if you don't want to be nerdy, think of joining some college societies, sports groups, extra-curricular activities. You can start keeping a diary or a blog.  What I am saying this is by keeping yourself active in little ways, you can  give yourself a sense of purpose. Then move on to longer goals, give yourself long-term directions. You will find them.

2.Address the hate list. Ask yourself why you hate what you hate about yourself. Are they really negative qualities? If they are, what can you do to change them? If its habit, or attitude or anything that you can change- do it. You just need the will.

3.Look at the love list. Read and reread and repeat to yourself your positive qualities. You say you want to be happy. That's a good start. Your happiness is in your hands, no one can make you unhappy if you don't want to be. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 10

This is a confusion out of classification of objects.

Answer 11

Why are you putting yourself down with what you hate about yourself. What if what you hate about yourself is fear, fear of what others think about you. Others may think differently about you. Others may infact love the things that you hate.

EDIT: If you do not like yourself as who you are, then by all means change yourself into someone else- it's not going to fill the empty space that you are feeling. You must accept yourself as whom you are. As for making new friends, assert yourself.

You can choose whether to be angery or not, try having a positive attitude. Think of what can go right, instead of what can go wrong!

Answer 12

Sadly, I'm 34 and still struggle to take care of myself....

I know I need to focus on fundamentals like diet, sleep, and exercise.... but the sad reality is that I like to take care of everyone but myself...

I always thought this is what the Golden-rule was about taking care of everyone but yourself...

But I'm finding, at least intelectually, it's not... it's about putting your needs first before other's want's... careful to distinguish 'need' to 'want'... then if you so choose you can put other's needs before your wants.. but only if you so choose... Churches at least some are happy to make early-marytrs out of their members... but we must learn to say 'no' to all and everything that demands us to sacrifice us caring for ourselves in the most basic of ways...

I don't envy you young-adults putting your first foot in the door of your newly found 'independent' worlds... 20 yrs ago peer pressure was 'Sesame Street' compared to everything you are facing.. I don't say this to be prudish... let's just say concerned.. that one trip into any one direction of careless abandon and indiscretion has much more potential for dire consequences today then it ever did back in the 90's...

That being said... some free-advice for what its worth... more hindsight then me walkin' my talk...

1) Don't let anyone tell you who you have to be or act in any one given moment, invent yourself.. and who you want to become..

2) Read things that both reinforce your Worldview, and those that are against your Worldview straight from the source.(not filtered through the Bias of those in the Your-Pro-Worldview-camp..

3) Take the list of things you Love about yourself... and find like-minds that share those things you enjoy about yourself... friends as oddly as it seems are more us reflected back in the form of 'other' then we are likely to admit to ourselves.

4) Go to College with the intent to learn about yourself first and foremost.. and though it could cost you a 'good' grade or two.. ignore the temptation to schmooze your professors.  True, everyone plays the game from time to time.. and you may be more effective in the field of your major after you graduate... but not likely... the habbits you build now.. will be reinforced good or bad from now till graduation in how you choose to carry yourself, and the priorities and intentions you choose to motivate yourself with...

4) Find some sorta of Rhythm to the madness of life... I still struggle with this one to this day... and it's different for every individual... but choose to find enough routines, rituals to look forward to every day.. wether that be how you stir your coffee in the morning... email your friends and relatives before you go to bed, whatever, do enough of these things that help you transition into the next activity(sleeping, starting your day class, work, etc..)  

There will be times and things where you'll have to break routine... but if your routines help you take care of fundamental life saving stuff.. such as diet, sleep, exercise, etc.. you'll thank yourself years down the road.... where you'll be gald you chose to set up this foundation for your life... In short.. don't overplan your day, yet don't underplan it either... trial and error I'm afraid will be your best teacher...

Think of it like a river that brings life, power, and recreation to millions of people from it's source only 50 some miles away... without the parameters of the river-banks that channell it to those millions of people.. you have Chaos... too much you have a flood-situation, too little and you don't have enough water to make a difference in any one given time...

Food for thought...

Answer 13

Not that I'm deep and profound, heh. Well, for one thing, the fact that you start college in a few weeks should be a big positive, at least overall. Not that you won't have hard times there - growing is always hard - but overall the experience of your years there will change you, again and again, for the better. I mean totally transform you, and unless you're someone who never makes friends at all ever, you'll make some there. You won't be able to help it. You have a lot to look forward to. It's lovely that, at a time when we don't know who we are and are starting to really suffer over it, if we're lucky life just holds up a set of hoops we can jump through - mindlessly, as it were, without making agonizing decisions - in the form of college.

As for the list. I am sorry to say that your hate-to-love ratio is currently a fixed parameter of your personality. It's not unchangeable, but it's something that will take you a long time to change, it may change as a side effect of your maturing and gaining perspective, and you should not take any of the items on the hate list too seriously.  Your judgment on your own traits or likability/lovability is, pardon me, actually pure BS. You have basically no qualifications to judge your life or yourself. You didn't create yourself; where did you come from? Look at it. The circumstances you're born into, the parents you got, the inborn aspects of your personality - can you hold yourself responsible?

You have no identity yet and you won't have one that sticks, for some time. That means you are free and uncommitted - there's no such thing as out of character, for you. You don't need to be anyone; don't cling to that idea. All events are experiments for you. You are open to all things, and that means they're all open to you. All of your experiments will seem like failures in some way, because you are learning from them. Growing up is a trial by fire and you have barely begun to burn.  Assessing yourself at this point, is a nifty diversion but it means nothing. The only important thing is that you trust that the world gives rise to you, a part of itself, to become somebody, and that it'll get around to it.

Really cool and beautiful people aren't cool because they know pop culture, or have tons of friends, or have money, or look beautiful, or are specially talented. All that is superficial. Take care not to strive for such things, or seek friends who are superficially cool. Really cool people are people who don't try to be something they're not, who seek to connect with who others really are. Most of the things you criticize yourself for, are probably superficial. Maybe try reminding yourself to get over yourself, when you start mulling your own supposed inadequacies.

If you can manage it, try to develop a habit of meditation. Meditation is just a state of mind where you're living in the moment, observing everything - including your own self - without judgment (you say Yes Okay to every single thing that comes into your mind). It is like when you were a child at play, a moment that was complete in itself with you in it, that could last forever. It's not all that tough to achieve, and practice makes you better at it. It's a lovely escape from unhappiness, too, just takes some discipline to stop wallowing and do it.

Answer 14

The things you hate are targets for change; the things you like are worth concentrating on.  The primary thing to do is to choose a direction, and go for it.

Answer 15

Usually, unhappy people don't care about anything, including themselves. They don't ask questions like these. You clearly are not like this, and are concerned about your own well-being. If you take a step back and look at things, this simple fact alone is enough to make you realize that no matter how long a list of things you don't like about yourself you can create, take comfort in the fact that you want enjoy the better things in life, and that most definitely outweighs the negatives.

You can't be unhappy if you seek happiness.

Being optimistic about your situation is the real solution; even if you don't change anything physically, being mentally strong can allow you to change, from within. Look to college as a new start, with a clean slate. People are much more mature. A person can pick out countless things they don't like about his or herself, celebrate and strengthen the  positives...

EDIT: I'm starting college too, and there's no better time than to meet new people and make friends. I went to orientation specifically to meet new people and socialize. I can't wait to move in now. Go there with the intent that there are mature people out there, it'll be a success.

Answer 16

Ok so your starting college soon. That's pretty good.

Many people feel that real friends are harder to come by than many friends that ... well are alright. Its not unusual.

You feel lost, mmm. Well when we are younger the world is smaller to us, in some ways (well at around 10 you probably didn't see travelling to another area on your own as something to do with a life choice, or understand the full meaning of it, as you may do now). I don't think you are lost really. I think its more apart of you looking to the vast possibility of your future and seeing the same for the person you are. I once felt in similar way. On That I thought - and concluded that ...

Life is journey, its a whole journey where you weave a rich tapestry, a story of this person who you are from start to finish. Full of colours and events. And only when you look from the end back to the start can you be certain of the sort person you were, for before then you look at an empty tapestry waiting to be filled where this person hasn't yet defined themselves. Leaving the question of who they are.

So if I am right, the best you can do is aim to be the sort of person you can proud to be.

As for your list of hate and love. Well, have you considered righting a list of how you would like to feel about those things? According to some theories, simple unjudging awareness of where you would like to be with something gently shifts your mind a day at a time to that goal.

Your unhappiness is linked  more to your judging of yourself. You perhaps have standards that are currently beyond yourself. Perhaps it is time to develop a deeper sense of compassion and acceptance to direct at yourself.

Perhaps it is linked, in part to your sense of isolation?  You say you have no real friends - no one to experience companionship with. Now there is something I suspect will shortly be resolved. Develop some of your quirky interests or other interests when you go to college - there will be large groups of more mature people there - much of what is laughed will not be by those people - and the more interests you develop the more people you can connect with of similar interest. The more that may be as willing to open up a bit more as you are.  

Answer 17

You are 18 I can tell you that almost everyone has gone through times like this growing up. I am much older and everyone I have talked to agrees that they would never want to go back and relive the growing up process. Youth is wonderful, don't get me wrong. But as you grow older your perspective changes in so many ways. All though things that seemed so very important, no longer seem to control our lives. It's just a matter of discovering who you really are and learning to love yourself. Let me give you a little example. When I was 18,  I was very thin a size 3, I thought I was fat. At 18 I was a very pretty girl, I thought I was ugly. I never thought I was good enough, smart enough, pretty enough or thin enough. I spent years and years being so hard on myself. Picking myself apart piece by piece. I was never happy with anything. Now I am not a size 3, I am older, have some grey hair, I wasn't dumb, I thought I was and quit school very early. I got my GED when I was 40 on my first try with some of the highest scores.  You want to know something? I love myself so much now. I also love others easier. I am who I am and I love me and I am happy. Look at all those wasted years. The only thing that changed was my perspective. Don't waste your youth hating yourself. There are some good books. Like Change your Mind Change your Life. Also Infinite Self by Stuart Wild. Also  A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles" by Marianne Williamson and anything by Dr. Wayne Dyer.  Don't be so hard on yourself, believe others will do that for you. Best of luck to you.  =)