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Okay! Whole first chapter! Please comment!?

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It's odd. I keep having a strange sense, like something big is coming. But that's ridiculous. It's a normal Saturday. The sun is out and Ashlyn and myself are out on a walk.

Maybe it wasn't like every other Saturday. I don't recall ever seeing the forest we were now entering in Salem before. Ashlyn seemed as cautious as I, her steps becoming hesitant. She turned to look at me, here eyes wider than usual. Today, Ashlyn wore, as usual, black on black. Ashlyn never wears anything besides black, and it doesn't make since. She's level headed but so what? Pink looks good on her too.

I don't know why I am paying such close attention to something so trivial as her clothes. I usually never do. Never read her shirts. Never care. Sure, I'm a teenage girl, but my relationship with Ashlyn isn't like that. We we're friends not because of our looks, clothes, or popularity status---which wasn't all that high. We were sort of in the unknown dorks who always have a good time, even though our lives weren't fabulous,--- but because of us. A good metaphor of it would be that each human live is a puzzle. She just happened to fit into mine as I did in hers. But today, something kept making me want to study her, and it's kind of irritating.

"I don't remember this. How long have we been walking?" Ashlyn murmured, turning to stare every direction.

She gasped, sapphire blue eyes widening, and I looked around for the cause of her distress. But there was nothing but trees, trees, and more trees. Then it hit me. We're surrounded by trees. Tall, thick evergreen trees. The path we had just stumbled off of was gone entirely. Ashlyn and I went still, listening for any sign of civilization. We heard nothing.

"Ivy... Where are we? Where's the path?" Ashlyn wasn't an easily skittish person, and her voice--- though still looking, almost a bit frantically,-- was calm.

"I don't know. Which way did we come from?" Which way had we come from?

"I... can't... don't... know... I've never seen this place before, let alone been here. Ivy... I have to get home..."

My heart was speeding. Since when does Ashlyn space out enough to not notice when we were walking into a forest that appeared out of nowhere? I know she wasn't paying attention, because she'd never actually come in here on purpose unless our houses were in the middle of it somewhere.

"Okay... neither of us know where we are and how to get out. Do you get cell service out---in--- here?" Ashlyn was always prepared. She flipped out her cell phone---I had left mine at home--- and, the elated look left her face.

"No service. Is that really so surprising? Were in the middle of the woods. Either you, or I, or whoever is having this nightmare needs to wake up. I do not like it out here. If something goes wrong or we come across some creeps... I don't even have cell access." Although her words sounded worried, her voice still remained calm.

Again, I looked over her clothes, and this time, had the urge to laugh. Ashlyn clothes meet her personality, but her looks are so different than her personality, so it all stood in odd contrast. She was amazingly beautiful.

I'm so often jealous of her.

I sighed. "Well, let's start looking around to find our way out again then, I guess. This forest can't go on forever, right?"

"This is the last time I take this shortcut home..." Ashlyn muttered, running her slim, shapely fingers through her long, honey golden hair.

"Aw, c'mon... We just weren't paying attention... nothing more..."

"No. I will not ever get lost again just because your too lazy to walk the whole way." Grrr...

"Sorry. You know I zone out... I thought you were watching where we were going." I pulled down a branch and let her walk through first.

"Thank you... And I was paying attention. Which is what I don't get. I had never zoned or anything. I just blinked, and we were in here, surrounded by trees. And I don't know how it happened." I was about to tell her it wasn't funny, when I looked up and saw she was blushing a scarlet red. She wasn't kidding.

"I know your thinking I'm crazy, but that's how it happened."

I didn't say a word.

"Okay... how late is it? How long have we been walking?" I didn't finish my question before Ashlyn had her wrist held up, squinting to try and read the numbers. It was nearly black around us now. The only light was the faint traces of the moon fighting it's way through the branches of the evergreens, making Ashlyn's tan, golden skin glow.

"It's two. Let's rest... If we come out of here now, we won't be in any less trouble if we show up at a reasonable hour."

Relieved, I slid down the trunk of a thick tall evergreen, and in seconds, I was asleep.

"Ashlyn! Wake up!" I shook her shoulder, and she smacked me in her sleep, cursed, and went limp again.

I looked at her wrist watch. It was nearly eight in the morning. That's probably Ashlyn's only flaw: she was not a morning person, even sleeping on the floor of the woods. I brushed my short, choppy, dark red hair out of my face. How to wake her up?

Then it hit me. Ashlyn was deathly afraid of spiders.

"Spider" I screeched, loudly, trying to sound frightened.

Ashlyn shot up, looking as though I just thrown ice water on her.

"Spider? Where?" She demanded.

"Probably in it's web, nice, warm, cozy, and sleeping. Now, let's get a move on." I said.

I heard Ashlyn grunt. "Your lucky I don't hit you in your pretty little head with a big rock."

I laughed.

Ashlyn began to grumble, wiping the dirt off herself. I thought I picked out the word "Ivory"

"What did you just call me?" I almost growled.

"Ivory. It is your name. Get over it." She hissed back. She had sworn never to call me that. I should strangle her. "Oh, stop looking at me like that. You're too hot-headed for your own good." The nerve!

I scowled at her and trudged forward, not knowing which way I was heading. I hate my full name. Well, the first name anyway.

The walk after that was quiet, peaceful. My temper had cooled down, and I now walked side by side with Ashlyn.

"I see a light! The edge of the woods!" Ashlyn crowed, her excitement making her face brighten.

We both picked up pace, running, Ashlyn ahead of myself, her stealthy body and long legs belonged to the wild. They even naturally tan, instead of burning as my pale skin does.

When we burst through the trees, our nightmares of running into creeps became a dark reality.

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4 ANSWERS


  1. Your writing does have many minor errors, but you emphasize points well and I can feel that I am there, in the story at times.  You give good detail on things such as the girl looking at the watch and how her personality usually effects the action, etc.  

    I would be interested in reading the second chapter.  It has natural fear involved with friendship.  The natural fear of being lost can be written about easily, especially while having a companion to triumph or fall during that fear.

    Good job!


  2. i agree about the ending with the guy above me but im not gonna lie if i didnt read as much as i did i would put this book down after the first paragraph you need some more action in the begginning like start with you being lost and you get all panicky but she gets all cool headed idk it sounds good i would read it it sounds good so far and that spider isnt beleivable like maybe you do something else idk but yea it sounds good just put some more action at the beggining

  3. "Grrr...

    "Sorry. You know I zone out... I thought you were watching where we were going." I pulled down a branch and let her walk through first."

    take out the grrrr.

    and also i especialy like the ending of it . the last few lines keep it up

  4. Ha ha I like it. You neatly incorporate humour into your story as well as colorful describitons. The only problem I found with it was that first it is hard to understand who, or how old the character is...

    Naturally after a while you understand, but perhaps try and smooth the beginning over?

    Also I think you should create something in the beginning that will immidietly capture the reader's attention without delving into the story/plot too much, too fast..

    But overall a good effort and a great first chapter!

    I look foward to more!

    =]

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