Okay guys....tell me this????

Question

My husband and I are in the process of getting a divorce. He has cheated on me, but that is not the reason he wants the divorce.

He says that he doesn't know if he loves this new girl or not, he says he doesn't know why he doesn't love me anymore, he also says he is not sure he doesn't still love me anymore. He really doesn't know why he feels he wants the divorce. How can someone make such a momentous decision as to divorce their spouse after 11 years together and to let her take their son 4000 miles away, when you don't even know what is in your own mind? Shouldn't this have been thought out a little more? Just curious as to if anyone has done or gone through this same thing, and any thoughts as to why maybe??? Thanks!

Answer 1

He's confused...and to answer your question - you can't make that kind of decision when you are confused. He's a quitter...since he can't figure it out on his own, he decides to take the easy way out and just quit. My ex wife is the exact same way. Left me for another guy, even got engaged to him but then says she's "confused" and doesn't know what she wants. Still contacts me, still says she loves and misses me. She did the exact same thing, we had a fight one night - spur of the moment she leaves and makes an irrational decision to marry this guy she met online - all this 2 weeks after the split. I'm going through it right now, so I know exactly how you feel. He doesn't know what he wants just like my ex doesn't know what she wants. I didn't put in 11 years like you did, so maybe some time and space is all he needs. But staying with someone who doesn't know what or who they want is only going to end up hurting you much worse in the end - trust me. Separate, if need be. Give him some space and time. He needs to think and readjust. If after you've separated and given each other space (cause you need some too - cause I know it can't be easy to know if you want to stay in a marriage with someone who could possibly do this again to you in 4 years), then maybe you can both decide if you both want to continue in the marriage.

Answer 2

??

Answer 3

Dump his A$$ , if he loved you he wouldnt have cheated, sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.......or her

Answer 4

The real answer he would give, if he were being honest is "I'm selfish and I want more room to be selfish." But he doesn't want to admit that, so he just says he doesn't know.

Answer 5

could be that he has reasoning that would be pretty rough to hear about and he doesn't want to put you through that given all the other stuff he's already just put you through

Answer 6

He's telling you all this to use you as his safety valve in case things don't work out with his w***e, don't fall for it.

Answer 7

He is very clear in his message to you.  He is not going to answer any of your questions as they may incriminate him.  He knows exactly what he wants and it is not you.  He is selfish, has moved on and has no reason to get involved with you in any way whether it be a discussion.  He is not going to give you any satisfaction since he is thinking of himself not the two of you as a couple.  You'll have to accept it, whether you like it or not.  I know this sounds harsh, but he has let go and there is nothing you can do about it.

Answer 8

I suspect that he knows the answers to all of those things but that he chooses not to tell you because he's afraid to man up and take full responsibility for the rotten decisions he's making.

Answer 9

He's full of pooh. He's lying or is a little coo coo. He just wants out and is too chicken pooh to be a man and admit he screwed up.

Answer 10

Kick his butt out the door and get you some new meat./

Answer 11

He's full of c**p, he wants his freedom and the possiblity of you in a few years when he's gotten it all out of his system. Dont take him back whatever you do.  

Answer 12

He sounds like he just wanted to check out of the relationship -- he seems to have decided that he doesn't want the responsibility of being a husband and/or father. He probably thought it out quite a bit but just won't man-up enough to admit that he wants to play instead of acting like a grownup and taking care of his responsibilities. In the long run you are probably better off without him.

Answer 13

It has nothing to do with thoughts, its more about feelings. He probably doesn't FEEL he can love you the way you deserve to be loved, so he's getting out. Kinda of selfish, if you ask me. Talk to him about his feelings.

Answer 14

It sounds like he is trying not to hurt you, but he is hurting you by making it hard for you to move on.  There is someone else in the picture, but as long as you are willing to pretend with him that there isn't, it's easier for him.  His shame may also be the reason he is letting you take your son 4000 miles away.  Then he doesn't have to be reminded of you on a daily basis. I'm sorry to say that, from my experience, it seems like he has made up his mind, but doesn't want to deal with the pain.  In this situation, you may have to get angry and let him know that divorced or not, you expect him to be a father to your son. Reconsider the move if you are doing it to avoid your own pain. Think of your son and how he needs his father.

Answer 15

They say that by today's standards, 11 years is a good sign of committment.  I say he may not have been very committed.  Today's standards fall short and the human race has done too much in the way of lowering standards or expectations, as if we cannot attain or deserve something greater.  Your husband's head don't sound too attached, and he needs to be as sure and mature in making this decision as he should have been when he decided to marry you.  

Answer 16

Everybody tries to get back to that butterfly feeling when you first met.  The excitement, the drama.  Often times people think they want one thing, but then later regret when they realize that any relationship takes lots of work.  The work is even harder when you add kids and new family dynamics to the problem.  If you think the stats on marriages are bad at 50/50 for the typical american, rebound/cheating relationships stats are even worse at 80/20 fail/success rate.  I would sign the divorce papers with a p.s. of "good luck with that."