Okay how about this poem? loved by default?

Question

peace be with me as i clear the air

i can barely even stand your icy blue stare

i can not hide the fact that i had to leave

right now i swear that i cant breathe

i'll try to explain what happened to make things right

but my heart grows faint as i see the madness seething in your eyes

im sorry please forgive me after all

fate had the last call

it was not i who had to decide

so dont give me your tainted pride

what am i to do when im stuck with you?

all i have to give you is the truth

if it were a perfect world

free of sadness and peril

i would be leading a different life

yet somehow my destiny brought me to a storm

it came from a vulgar and familiar form

which is why it threw me off my original course

this love was made by force

the gentle winds now throttle like a pale horse

i was bewitched by the breeze

i thought all was blissful and at ease

now i know all things werent made to please

but in the end i guess i had to fall

in order for me to learn from it all

so im stuck here with you

you havent a clue

all of the h**l ive been through

from just the thought of loving you

you're only making the burden heavier

by trying to make things better

by chiding me

when we were not meant to be

atleast from what i perceive

but the choice is made

i dont need your upbraid

i need your help to make it work with us

i need your trust

my life has been put to a hault

for i am being loved by default

Answer 1

Try cutting out all the "I's", "me's", and "my's". It would be more musical and poetic that way. As it is, it sounds a bit like a bitter rant rather than a poem. Sorry...

Answer 2

Wow!  That was true self-expression.  It sounds like your in a sticky sitution with a so called loved one or have been in the past.  I have read alot of poetry and I think this would work better as a song.  Don't get me wrong, I think your a good writer.  I just think it would make a better song.  Keep writing.. LOL

Answer 3

hhmmm.... truth is, I got bored and didnt even bother to read beyond the "tainted pride" line. Sorry but thats my opinion!

Answer 4

one of your best no doubt     love by defult    lovesssssssss ittttttttt   lol very good  excellent  lol