Old idea about adoptee searching for natural family?

Question

“It is necessary to deal with this [adoptive] situation, where there are many anxieties, much resistance, a good deal of sturdily built illusion, and an extreme quantity of the unknown. The reason that we feel such a labor is necessary, is that without countering effort, a great deal of the individual’s life goes to waste. The standing situation of irresolution and indecision is harmful in any life. It would seem important, under the heading of adoption to do something about looking at the natural parent irresolution, to see what action can be taken.”

--Jean Paton, in The Adopted Break Silence, 1954

Your thoughts?

Answer 1

So, what you're saying (I think), is that there were a few people even in 1954 who were smart enough to realize that adoptees NEED to connect to their heritage in order to feel complete.  Right?  So, here it is 2008, and it's still a hotly debated issue.  What is so hard to understand about this?  Who is fighting it so hard?  Is it the adoptive parents (one of whom is me)? It just seems to me that there is plenty of psychologically founded research to show that not only is it "okay" for adoptees and first parents to find each other (no real damage has been proven), it's actually beneficial to everyone involved.  Are we so afraid that our own bond with our adoptees is so fragile that it would be broken because the adoptee and the first parents are re-united?  What is that saying about us?

Answer 2

let me try to simplify;

She is saying adoption hurts the adoptee in a soul crippling way.  If you don't adress some way of FIXING them, they suffer alot and lead wasted diminished lives. We NEED to help them deal with the inherant wrongs of being separated.

It's a powerful statement, thanks for posting. Off to read more of Jean Paton.

Answer 3

Wow Sunny.  I've had to re-read this question like 5 times.  I think i finally get it except the last sentence.

Yeah....no no no.  Kinda get what she's saying but you're losing me in all the big words.  Got any math problems?  I'm really good at math!  Calculus is like my fav.

ETA:     Thank you so much adoptionissadnsick!

Then absolutely it is true.  I agree with the entire statement.  If something is so painful that it hurts your soul and you do nothing it is a wasted life.  You are stuck.  There will be no personal growth because you will not be able to move past the pain.  Its like a huge road block.  That is truly sad.  The loss of potential.

1954, then there seems to be a common thread.  The same things are ringing true in this day and age.  What a wise woman.

Jean Paton sounds like an amazing author.  I'll be needing to take some college english courses to understand her but it sounds like its worth it.  I like challenges.

Answer 4

As an adoptee I'm kind of baffled by this quote and these people esp people whose names are "adoption is sick and sad" because I think you are completely whacked. I am very grateful that I was able to be adopted by a family who loves me and was able to give me everything that I ever wanted. I know that my birth mother would have never been able to provide me with the opportunities that I have now. And although I do think about her from time to time it isn't some "soul crippling" thing to me. I think that adoption is an amazing way for people who cannot have children and people who want to help to be able to give a child a chance.

If it wasn't for my adoptive mother I would have never been able to walk and I would have probably aged out of some foster home in a wheelchair and no opportunities in front of me.

Unless you have been adopted and lived that life you have ABSOLUTELY no idea what you are talking about and how it feels. You are entitled to your opinions but they are without merit or emotions.

Answer 5

Sunny, you are an amazing woman!

Thanks "adoption makes me want to puke" or whatever, I'm not real bright and you brought it down to my level. You must be a Rhodes scholar. If it doesn't read like "Green Eggs and Ham," I'm lost.

What does irresolution mean? I don't want to get off my chair and walk 5 steps to my dictionary.

Who is Jean Paton?

ETA:

Well I do declare, my dictionary came to me! "mom5grlz" emailed it to me!! I know what that big word means now.

Answer 6

It just further confirms that I need to be open with everything regarding my son's adoption to help him have a happy, productive, healthy, and fulfilling life.  I still need to learn how to be more proactive, so my son doesn't need to be reactive to certain issues.