Older child adoption and adoption loss?

Question

Most of what I'm reading about adoption loss applies to infant adoptions, or for adoptees that never knew their biological parents.

Is there any information or education out there for adoptive parents regarding adoption loss for older children, meaning children that know their biological parents? Or children that spent a significant length of time in an instutuional setting between relinquishment and adoption?

I realize our adoption situation is not the "norm". Older sibling group intercountry adoptions are not exactly common. It's hard to find resources. I very much want to help my children cope, as much as I can and as much as they want me to, but I'm not sure what the signs are. As I said, all of the books I've read discuss infant adoption and loss at length, with only a page or two devoted to IA adoption or older child adoption. Never both.

Thanks much.

Thank you.

Answer 1

I'm totally clueless....but I wonder if someone familiar with attachment therapy could help with the loss process as well?  Just a thought.

Answer 2

I am totally with you.  We are in the process of trying to adopt a 6+ year old who up until the beginning of this year still had visits with his bio parents (when they showed).  Our child talks openly about his bio parents and for about a month he talked about them everyday - crying after their last visits.  It's very hard to watch him try to cope, but we just listen or offer another memory (a happy one) if he is talking about one / the other or both.  But, he always ends with "it's their fault, not mine" and "it was the judge that said I couldn't stay with them".  He does talk some in therapy, but not as much as he used to.  I do take into account his feelings as much as I can, as I don't exactly know what he is going through, but I also make life as "normal" as it is just that - his now life!

Answer 3

I wouldn't bother with the signs because kids are good at suppressing their feelings out of fear.

Keep their mothers spirit alive even if you haven't met her.

Talk to them in a way that will help them understand and have compassion for the pain/events behind the entire situation especially in regards to their mother.

They will need to feel that their mother loved them regardless of the situation.

Keep their culture intact as much as possible but I know you already now that .  

Incorporate the events going on in their motherland into their life as well instilling the feeling that they have a choice and a voice and that you will support any other their decisions.

Always express they have options in daily things in life.

Express some of the obstacles you've faced in life, they will trust you more and be more willing to open up.

Answer 4

I have a few friends tat were adopted for Russia at a young age and they dont know there real parents.but even though they were adopted at a young age the oldest one has emotional issues and strugles in school. The other two are fine

Answer 5

I'm sorry, Jennifer..."IA" adoption?  I don't know what that means.  Please clarify and I'll write some more.  My best friend during my school and teen years was adopted when she was 5 and had complete memories of her mother and brother.  I'm not sure if it applies, but if it does, I'll write about her, too.

Answer 6

I can understand the question, but my answer is different. I gave up my 2 1/2 year old last September because of unstability. It pains me very much, now considering that he does not recognize me or his siblings, his new family is moving, his 3rd birthday is in 4 days, and his mom convinced me to sign papers that I thought were open adoption, but were actually private. I have a 7 year old daughter who lives with me and her dad as well as a 5 year old son whose father refuses to let me see him (ever since April).

Answer 7

Good luck - I think sometimes kids who are older  can go from one extreme to another.  One may seem like they are completely in love/happy with their new situation but then later have to deal with the adoption loss while others may take longer to adjust into their new 'home'.  

I was five which I consider myself to be 'older' than the normal toddler/infant...I am a strong believer that the first couple years of your life can impact your 'life' even if you can't 'remember' them.  One thing I highly suggest is to never underestimate what a child feels inside or how big of an impact your words will make negative or positive.  

Sorry I don't have any resources for you.  You may find more information looking into older children in foster care & how they've adapted although some of their cases are terrible as they may never get a chance to get a sense of 'family'..