Older children drinking

Question

I received quite a lot of abuse this morning from a woman who thought I was horrible. I have a 19-year-old son and I am aware that he drinks and goes to parties where alcohol is involved. In my opinion, that is his own choice as long as I keep an eye on him. He's old enough to make his own decisions and I know he isn't taking drugs or smoking so I'm happy for him to do that.

She also thought I was a terrible Mother after seeing a picture of my son's tattoos on Myspace. Why do people feel the need to judge other parents?

How do you feel about over 18 year olds but still teenagers drinking? How about tattoos?

Answer 1

Where I am the legal age is 21 and so it is illegal. However, we also consider 18 the legal age for an adult. I may not want my children to drink at that age but I don't think I have any way to stop them. I agree, it's their choice. As far as tattoos are concerned, that's strictly personal preference. How old was this woman, anyway? She's sounds ancient.

Answer 2

Where I live, 18 is the legal age to buy and serve alcohol, so that is his legal right. As long as he is responsible. Good on you for still looking out for your son!

Answer 3

you know for a long time the drinking age was 18.  it wasn't changed until  1984.  the only reason that states changed it to 21 was that they were not going to receive as much federal funding for highways if they didn't.  

Answer 4

That's a tough one.   I think if you have a child over 18 and living in your house, he/she needs to respect the rules about not drinking.  My rule about anything permanent done to a child's body is that they must be over 18 and pay for it themselves.  

If your 19 year old is in college or out on his own, there's not much you can do.  Same thing with tattoos.  He's an adult and can decide if he wants tattoos or not.  If he gets busted for underage drinking, the legal consequences are his, as well.

Answer 5

I think that a 19 year old adult not being able to make his own calls and decisions about alcohol is quite ridiculous. A 19 year old who can vote and work and be the army. In most countries the legal drinking age is 18, it's even lower in others. Most of these countries also have less problems with underage drinking than America does. It should not be a taboo. Over protective parents who forbid adults from drinking are doing themselves absolutely no favours in my opinion. They just appear desperate to cling onto their child's youth and to influence their every decision. Why not encourage sensible and occasional drinking, with dinner etc. Why would a parent not want an honest relationship with their child? Because when it comes down to it, if the person wants to drink then they will. So the parent can either accept it and be aware of when the person will be consuming alcohol, or forbid drinking and be  ied to whenever they do.  

Answer 6

Well i feel that they have the right to choose..since they are considered adults now.. And i think your being a good mother with keeping a close eye on him. But keep in mind that some people are very old fashioned and find that having tattoos and drinking at such a young age is not good. the only advice i could give you is to try talking to him about the drinking and only give him advices after all your are his mother and your here to guide him and give him the support in life..no matter what age he is.. i hope i answered your question. And good luck!

with love,

kitty

Answer 7

I understand that we can't control 19 year old adults. if they want to drink, they will.  I don't think you are a horrible mother.  Here is the thing. You say you "keep an eye on him".  Whats the point?  I mean, if you are "keeping an eye" on him  then you certainly aren't discouraging his irresponsible behavior.  Why keep an eye on him if you feel he is old enough to make his own decisions?  Why not just let him face the natural consequences of his actions such as when he receives an MIP from the cops.  I don't think you are a horrible mom, but you don't sound too bright.

Answer 8

Your son is an adult at 19!!!! He can make his own decisions about his life, if he wants tattoos, and goes to parties then so what, who is it hurting??!! Its good that he doesn't take drugs, get into trouble with the police, and that you keep an eye on him, so what is her problem, she needs to keep her nasty comments to herself and mind her own bl**dy business. You don't need to answer to her or anyone else about how you or your family live, so stuff her!!!

Answer 9

first 18-19 are no longer children  in the literal sense they are adults  they can vote and go to war for there countries  drugs are not good at any age but you shud be able to trust the young adults most behave and its only a very small number of teens that are so out of control

as for tattoos they are a form of art and you ether like em or hate em me  I'm easy either way my older son had his girlfriend name put on his arm at 14 by a m8t not to chuffed and very scabby   but he did it with out my permission and there was not a lot cud be done about it after now in his 20s not very keen on it but we all do silly thing we live to regret in are life's... that's how we grow its are experiences in life make us the people we are today some are good but some are not so great ... but we do have to let these young people live there own life..i for 1 think young people get a ruff ride from police and central government these days  

Answer 10

He's over 18 and he can do as he pleases. Don't listen to people who say that you're a bad mom, there's nothing wrong with tattoos. Underage drinking is bad I choose not to do it but there's not much you can do to stop him.  

Answer 11

That woman needs to get a life. It's not her son, and I would just ignore her. She's just trying to make herself feel better. Tell the woman that you appreciate her opinion, but you have it under control. She'll leave you alone eventually. I'm glad to know how you think of him being older, I wish most parents were like that. But really, I had my first (((couple))) of drinks at 14, and my best friend got flat out drunk and was passing out and throwing up a day in a half at 15 and doing weed and smoking cigs at 15 as well. It's good to know he's on the right path.

Good luck

Answer 12

My parents let us drink at their house once we were moved out if we came home for a special occasion, like Fourth of July. Kids are going to do it. Their kid probably does it and lies to them. I would rather my child be open about it so I can talk about things with them. Communication is good and it's a good sign that you obviously have it. My first tattoo said mom with a dove I got it when I was 18 and she loved it. Don't stress it. I'm sure your a good mother, some people just always need something to complain about.

Answer 13

at 18 they are an adult and can make their own decisions u cant tell them whether to drink or smoke or not or get a tattoo or not.  u can only lay down guidelines that u wish to have adhered to in yr own home if they live there and if they dont like them then they can find somewhere else to live.

i havent seen yr other questions. i guess they may be american where of course the age for alcohol is 21 so think they are drinking under age. of course in uk the age is 18.   my son has just turned 21, he has 3 tattoos and used to drink a lot at weekends from age 18 or so, in fact i got quite worried about it cos they dont know what they are doing when they are wasted and i was concerned for his safety. however he is now more sensible having recently moved in with his girlfriend and had a baby but after 18 u cant tell them what they can or cant do the law is with them, however u can guide them.   tattoos are a matter of opinion, they are very fashionable in the uk at the moment maybe not so in other countries but at 18 they are allowd to make their own decisions. i feel left out as my sons mother in law who is 63 had one done when her 22 yr old daughter had one (my sons g/f) and my daughters mother in law 50 something (im 40 somehting) has 2 !  my kids are telling me i need to get one for my 50th birthday lol.  dont take any notice of people telling u ur a bad mother, in my opinion the fact ur concerned shows ur a caring one.  good luck.  

Answer 14

To be honest, I think you did a good job raising your son.  Sounds like he is staying out of trouble, drinking responsibly, and has a great mother to look after him just in case.  

And at least he tells you that he parties, drinks, and gets tattoos. That is the best thing, and shows ya'll have a healthy relationship.

I think the other parent is trying to control to much of other people's lives, so think how their kids may be? May be their kids are hiding something from them.

-C

Answer 15

He is underage.It is ILLEGAL for him to be drinking and the FACT that  he is living under YOUR roof and doing this means that woman is right.

Teens do NOT need to be drinking most of the 18 yr olds are no mature than 11 yr olds.

Alcohol IS  a drug and as far as OTHER drugs you do NOT know what he is doing or not doing.

What happens when he gets arrested for under age drinking?

Or is in a car with his freinds who are drinking?

Why would you encourage him to drink?

They have other stuff at parties too.What happens when he and some girl get "drunk" have s*x and he is now a father?

Or she claims rape because she was drunk?

Or he gets into it with someone who doesn't hold their liqour well?

You act as if smoking is worse than drinking.Alcohol has killed more people than tobacco hon, and as far as illegal drugs, as much as I ahte to say , alcohol wins in the death column hands down again.

How will it benefit him physically, emotionally, financially?

It won't.

Answer 16

i think its ok for him to drink at his age and you cnat ciontrol him at thhe end of the day he is an adukt now. but he shouldnt drink to get paraletic and anti social!

Answer 17

good lord people need to get a life!

after 18 you can't tell your kids anything...

i'm 19 and i choose not to drink...

but i say let people do whatever they want...

and tattoos are artwork...

that just means your son likes art...

beside kids nowadays start drinking at 13 or 14 years old...

so 19 is really not a big deal as long as he doesn't get caught...

Answer 18

I will get a lot of abuse for saying this...

I think you are right...  My mom let me drink and go to parties -  I was a strait A student, I went to college, I am getting my masters degree, and I am an awesome teacher....

My point it that having that openness with your son allows him to be honest with you about some things because he doesn't' have to hide it there is less sneaking around...  I don't have any tattoos but I do have 11 piercing in my ears and my belly button was pieced when I turned 18...

So you are not a terrible mother- the parents who think your horrible probably do not have good relationships with their children and their children most likely drink, smoke or do drugs (or a combination) They just don't know it.... And yes it is possible for kids to hide everything from their parents... That's why you are lucky in having such a good relationship with your son...

Answer 19

Just ignore them. If you know that your a good parent then why care what others think?

Answer 20

As long as the dude doesn't drive or get violent.  Go for it.  You are not a bad parent.

Answer 21

I agree with you, I don't understand why other people feel the need to judge others on parenting skills.

As for your question, it would depend. My children are nowhere near that age yet, but I think I will try and encourage them not to drink out of proportion anyway. You say that you're aware that he goes out to parties and drinks, but you don't say how often. I think that as long as you know what you're doing then it's fine and noone else has the right to critisise. You're his parent and you know whats best for him, as well as him being an adult and making his own decisions.

When I was a teenager younger than your son, I went to multiple parties and drank a lot of the time. I got a tattoo that I have regretted ever since and wish I had never got it. Your son is old enough to make his own decisions and it's great that you're still looking out for him. Ignore the people who have a problem with that.

Answer 22

What was she hoping to see on your sons Myspace?, Bet she was disappointed it was only his tattoo. sounds like a saddo! Give her a kick in the curlies lol

Answer 23

I say it is OK. as long as he is over 18. when i was 9 my brother drank he was only 19 and he is fine

Answer 24

This always fascinates me how we all know how it makes us feel as parents to be judged harshly and yet we still do it to one another, at 19 I agree with you if all he's done is have a tattoo on and drank and gone to parties then 1) he's normal and 2) I'd be thanking my lucky stars if that's all he'd done, with what he could get up to in this world !!! and if he sat in the house all day people would be asking why ?? and blah blah blah and making up reasons for him been like this "Oh he must be g*y" might be a popular theory.

I find now I don't take notice of what people think as long as I know I'm a good mum I don't invite people to an open discussion on my parenting skills !!!

Answer 25

At 19 your son is old enough to work, get married,have a child - all without your permission.  

My son at 19 was in the army and seeing a world I didn't want to know about, he suffered Post Traumatic Stress from seeing bodies, people blown to bits, etc etc.

I hate his tattoos - he has to wear a shirt in front of me.  He smokes, which I don't approve of either.  

If my son is old enough to go to war, then he is old enough to have a drink.  Whether or not I approve.

Answer 26

I found a bottle of alcohol in my 19 year old room, and I can tell you it did not stay there.  My son has since moved in with a friend, and yes, he tells me that he drinks periodically.   I am just praying that he does not become an alcoholic.  You will probably say that I am judging you, but I am just voicing my opinion.  However, if you think that drinking alcohol in abundance is better than smoking or drugs, may I ask you a question? Why are there a lot of  of drunk driving accidents a year? The legal age to GET ALCOHOL is 21, so a 19 year old that drinks is getting it illegally- does that not bother you?

Answer 27

Consider what the drinking age is, research why it is what it is.  Of course, at 19 he could be living on his own, be married or not, have children, etc.  You really have no control over what he does.  He is an adult, and legally responsible for himself.

I am pro choice as long as it does not affect anyone else.  

Answer 28

You sound to me a conscientious and loving mother who appreciates that our children grow up and need to be trusted if we are to enjoy a positive adult relationship with them. The fact that you had to add to your question perhaps shows how quickly people make snap judgements, as did the lady who started this.

It sounds like you have a son to be proud of. I wonder whether people appreciate that the alternative to the situation you describe is him going behind your back, drinking secretively and being tempted by drugs etc. I would rather my children were sensible about drinking than went mad about it when they were old enough and I could not stop them any more. As you say, you cannot stop him anyway - he is over the age of adult responsibility in the UK.

I see far too many young people get into trouble through drink because they have suddenly been "let off the leash" and do not know how to cope.

I hope that helps. Good luck and my compliments to you both.