Older lady next door wont leave my two little boys alone. How can I get her to leave them alone?

Question

I have a five year old and a three year old. Both little boys. We live in a cul-de-sac with great neighbors. All but two of the houses have children in the preschool rang and they all play daily in the cul-de-sac. The older children have gotten to the point were you can leave them with little supervision. There is a new neighbor right next door. She is an older lady. She has a grandson which visits regularly and has a room there with her. Same age as my oldest. But she keeps doing things things that I consider unacceptable and need to know a way to calmly. Here is a list of the things she is doing...

When in the backyard she talks to my boys over the fence, she leans over our 4 ft fence, while smoking. Then she gives them food, ice pops, and candy right over the fence. And sometimes they even climb over the fence to her.

Then she offers them puppet shows, tea parties and asks if they want to play in her grandsons room even when he is not home.

Answer 1

Sounds to me like she's a bit lonely.  When a lady is used to being 'Mom' to everyone for years and years it can be difficult to stop.  It may be that since her children are grown and you didn't mention a husband (perhaps he's deceased?) she has a void in her life that she's trying to fill.

It seems like your kids like her and she's trying to be nice.  Try not to be mean about it, perhaps just mention to her that you cook dinner every night and you would appreciate it if you would just check with you before feeding your kids so your dinner doesn't go to waste.  Make sure you thank her for all she does because she seems like a nice lady and you wouldn't want to hurt her feelings.  I can think of worse neighbors to have :)

Answer 2

I totally understand what youre saying. This lady is old school, there was a time when you could do things like that & no 1 would bat an eyelash. Now there are too many things going on in the world & you really just want your kids to be safe (good greif i sound like an old lady lol)

Tell her that you dont want them going up unless her grandsons home, plain & simple. Or better yet, maybe you could become more friendly with her & have tea n biscuts with her once or twice a week if youve got the time. Bring the kids, it would be entertainment for them & her as she sounds a bit lonely.  As far as food goes I would just tell her to be careful because they have semi-weird food allergies that can be unpredictable, so dont give them treats without running it by you first. I know, it may be a little white lie, but no harm no foul :)

Answer 3

Everything you wrote in your post is reasonable and you should address this to the lady word for word, invite her to lunch in a public place where she knows you're being friendly.

Next, talk to your kids, "the rules are"; you don't take food from anyone without permission and you don't leave our yard without permission "never ever".

Sounds like the lady loves kids, nothing harmful about that.  If you ever need a babysitter, she'd be available.  If you do use her as a babysitter, ask her to not smoke around your kids that you don't want them exposed to smoke.

Good Luck To You.........

Answer 4

she sounds like an old lonely lady.  she doesn't sound like she is doing a whole lot wrong except maybe wanting some attention. if you have a problem with her feeding the kids then just tell her that you have a schedule when the kids get food or snacks and you want them to stick with that and if she wants to give them a treat then she has to run it by you first. it sounds like the kids are not bothered by her correct???  if they enjoy her company then maybe you could offer that they have lunch with her every now and then and scheduled times to visit her that might keep her from showing up all the time if she knows that they are going to be stopping by.

Answer 5

girl is only one thing you have to do is call the police before it gets to late because if you already told her to stop and she did't so she going to have the police tell her just tell them everything that u said and get you camera and take as many pictures as you can. if you want you can get a little take tape recorder and when you ask her again not to do that to you kids and she says something real hearsh then you have big evidence..please be careful and keep your kids in sight of at ALL TIMES LADY.  SHE IS DANGOUS. beleave me why would she want them to go to a room a play why should she even smoke in front of them. if she was so pleasant. do she even say hi to you ask you all the things she gonna do with your kids no so becareful PLEASE!!!!!  : {

Answer 6

She sounds a little weird but maybe she is just lonely. You just nedd to keep askin her but if nothing changes then you need to get the police involved but it might sound kind of mean callin the police on an old lady but if it needs to happen then you should.

Answer 7

I would start by talking to your boys about it and explaining that they need to ask you first before they go into her yard or accept candy from her. It's never too early to have the 'stranger' talk.

It sounds kind of creepy to me. Perhaps you and your husband should confront her together. I had to do this once. My middle child is allergic to apricots, they cause him to break out into a rash. We had a neighbor that would always give him candy and other things after I told her not to. Eventually, he ended up breaking out into a rash from something she gave him. I took him over to her to show her what happened and she never did it again. Maybe you could tell a little white lie and say that your kids have food allergies.

But as far as them going into her house and always spending time in her yard...I think you just need to be a little less nice about it. Have any of the other parents in the neighborhood had the same problems?

Answer 8

well sometimes being nice doesnt work!! tell her if she asks them to her house or backyard again your calling the cops and if your sons are going with her they need to be taught "stranger danger" and let them know they arent to go with anyone but mommy and daddy and they shouldnt listen to her when she asks them to come over tell them they need to run home this doesnt sound like a huge problem but i wouldnt trust the situation you need to protect them boys and im sure you agree so just call the cops warn her first and if she doesnt listen call them have them scare the S***e outta her thats kinda demented to be honest good luck

Answer 9

She seems like a nice lady...what exactly is your problem? it would be a whole lot worse if she was shouting at them for making noise or something like that

Answer 10

well first you need to tell your children that they aren't allowed to go in her yard. My children are not allowed to leave our yard without permission first and if the do so without permission they will be grounded. They know and understand that I'm serious. I don't think you need to just talk to the older lady. I think you need to talk to your kids about what they can and cant do with other people.

Answer 11

Well I would start by grounding the kids for not listening to you.  They are to stay out of her yard and to politely refuse food/candy/etc....  I would then set ground rules for her....ie no smoking anywhere near the kids, no food, she can help supervise in the cul-de-sac, but is not allowed to have the kids over b/c you need to be able to watch.  Let her know you love her enthusiasm, but that you have certain rules you want your kids to follow and she needs to respect that.  If you lay it all out and she continues to go against your wishes, then you'll have to threaten her with something more serious like calling the police next time your kids are 'missing'.  She seems like she's probably a little lonely and that's all.  Maybe if you invited her over a little bit she might calm down.

Answer 12

First you should have a talk with your boys about accepting things from people even if they aren't strangers. If the other parents in the neighborhood feel this woman is a problem maybe you could all have a chat with her, individually so she doesn't feel ganged up on, about her behavior with the kids. She should know better than to offer food to other peoples children. What if they have allergies?  

But then she may just be lonely and is looking for company and jsut truly loves kids. In that case, maybe offering to have her over for dinner or a barbecuewitht he whole neighborhood will help make her feel less lonely and she won't feel the need to get involved witht he kids so much. Especially if she has some adult company to occupy her.

Hope this helps some and good luck!

Answer 13

So, let me get this straight, you leave your 3yr old and 5 yr old unsupervised in the yard?

Well, that would be your first mistake. Try supervising them to stop them from being enticed into the little old lady's house for food and snacks. If you cannot supervise your children while they are playing outside, then please take them indoors.

You do realize that your children obviously have no concept of strangers and what not to do? They could be enticed into someone's car and you could never see them again. Please, watch your children outside.

As for the woman, I doubt she's doing anything will ill intent. She probably is lonely and enjoys the childrens company. It's probably better that she is there to keep an eye on your children. When I was young, I was always going over to the neighbors house (they were also grandparents) for some lemonade and cookies. I played with their grandson when he came over, and chatting to them when he wasn't there.

There was never anything wrong with it. However, the one thing that concerns me about what you have written is that you don't know where your 3yr old is when under your care. A 5yr old I can see playing outside sometimes unsupervised, but a 3 year old? A 3 yr old would not know to tell a stranger no when offered candy to come inside his car.

I'll give you a little story. I grew up in a small neighborhood, outside a small city. The road we lived was a cul de sac of sorts and off the main road. There was a group of us who would ride bikes through the neighborhood. Our ages were 14, 10, 10, 8, 6, 6.  One day there was a strange man in a beat up car. He drove down our road, stopped near us, watched us for 5 mins, then slowly drove on. He kept on doing this. Three times I counted him drive by us, each time he stopped and watched us for several mins. I, being the eldest, convinced everyone to get back to my house and quick. We arrived  home and I ran up to my parents. The guy drove by just as I was informing my parents of him. Suddenly, he sped off, seeing the adults around.

If someone in a car offered your 5yr old and 3yr old candy and toys, would they say no? Not likely. Watch your kids until they are old enough to know the rules. I'm sure you wont have any problems with the old lady when they are under your immediate supervision.

Answer 14

Your 5 year old should know better than to take food from a "stranger" even if she is your "nice" neighbor.  If he doesn't know this, then teach him.  If he disobeys your instructions not to take food from her, then punish him.  I know that may sound harsh and you don't want to punish him for something the neighbor is doing, but if you tell him not to do something and he does it anyway, he should be punished.  Same for climbing over the fence - don't do it or you will be punished.  If they've gone into her house to play, punish them.  They will learn quite quickly that if they listen to this neighbor, they will get in trouble.  You can also try telling your kids if she offers food or fun times in her house, then to ask your permission first.  After you've taught them these new skills, supervise their play outside for a few days to make sure they are doing what they are told.  The neighbor will back off your kids once she knows they're listening to mom now.

Old people do some weird things sometimes.  Sorry about that - I would hate it if I didn't like my next door neighbor.

Answer 15

Sounds like she's trying to be nice to them. I understand the smoking thing and the fact that you don't want them over there alone but I don't think she's trying to be malicious.

You should have a talk with your children first and tell them what your house rules are. They need to obey your rules.

If that fails, speak to the woman and explain that you don't give them sugary snacks.  As for the smoking, if you were to address that it would be un-neighborly and to an extent unacceptable. She does have a right to smoke...

As for the playing at her house when he's not over there, it would be wise to address that with your children.  If you address it with her it's probably going to ruffle some feathers.

Sounds like your real issue here is controlling your kids. If they can't be trusted then you need to supervise them. Sounds like this woman is trying to be kind.

Edit: Ok the dog thing is totally unacceptable on her part. You have to be careful. I've read many stories about people feeding neighbors pets antifreeze.

Consider a taller fence. Tell your kids they are not to play with her grand child, not to speak with her, not to go over to her house, or accept food from her.

You're going to have to kindly ask her to stay out of your business.  Maybe talk to her and say "I know that you mean well, but we like our privacy. Please don't feed our children or our dogs"

Answer 16

LOL. OMG. She sounds crazy!  You'll just have to tell her up front what you find unacceptable. In a nice way, I guess, because she's a senior citizen.  She sounds nice but a little bizarre.

Answer 17

wow. that's tough. all you can do is talk to her. since you've tried nicely already, you may have to say it in a way that let's her know you mean business. but at the same time, be sensitive because she's probably lonely. good luck

Answer 18

I would go over there one day when the kids are not around and talk to her and explain your feelings, that you appreciate what she is doing for them bu t*t makes you a little uncomfortable.  She could have the best intentions and just be a nice lady, but she may not be.  You can not be too careful these days when it comes to other people and your kids.

Answer 19

Invite her over for coffee or tea. Make sure the boys are NOT in the room. Sit her down and say "(Name), I'm glad that you like to entertain my boys and I know sometimes you can be lonely since it's just you when your grandson doesn't visit. However, I don't feel very comfortable with you offering them things and leaning over our fence. We kind of have that fence for a reason.  Also, if you want the boys to come over, ask me first and then I'll ask my boys if I see it's right. Also I don't like her smoking over the fence to them. If you MUST smoke, please smoke in your own yard and not over my fence. I know you enjoy my boy's company, but I don't feel like their safe." And if she protests saying things like "Oh I mean well" or "They enjoy it!" or "What do you know?" Say, "Well I know you mean well, and yes they enjoy it, but I don't. They are my children MY responsibility. I will tell you if they can come over to play. And I know a lot. I have been a mother for 5 years and I know what's best for my son."

Also talk to your boys, it isn't their fault, they're young, but they need to know. Let them know that if your neighbor ever offers you something, you say "We have to check with Mommy" or "No thank you". And if she invites them over tell them they should say "Please ask Mommy, not us" or "We have to ask Mommy". And finally tell them no climbing over the fence. If they do, they will get in trouble(no TV or no toys or no going outside).

Maybe you could supervise your kids while their outside. Make it a rule they cannot go outside unless Mommy is out there. If you have work to do and it's a nice day bring it into the yard.

If your neighbor contuies to talk and smoke to them and lean over the fence, you have to choices: to (a) call the police or (b) build a bigger fence that she can't lean over.

Good luck!

Answer 20

Just go over and be firm, telling her that the treats and feeding has got to stop.  Tell her that you are their mother and you are in control of their diets, not her.  Also tell her that you don't think it's appropriate for little boys to be in her house or backyard when her grandson is not there to play.

Tell her you appreciate what she's trying to do, but the world has changed and these things just aren't appropriate anymore.

Answer 21

It sounds very wrong to  me,your in a difficult place. Maybe talk to the kids and tell them not to go to  her,and maybe you and a couple of others go and talk to her together.

Answer 22

That's a tricky situation.

Obviously, you have to talk to your neighbor about this and tell her how you feel.  But when you do so, make sure to be polite about it and avoid being confrontational, as that will backfire.  You have every right to demand that she not feed either your children or your dog.  You also have every right to demand that she not wander into your yard if she is not invited.  Your children, though, need to be instructed that they aren't allowed to go into her house if you don't let them.

Having said that, you also might want to compromise a little.  If she wants to come into your yard to play with your kids or invite them into her house every so often, then the best thing to do might be to just let her.  That could backfire, too, if she keeps pushing you farther and farther and doing more things that you don't want her to do.  But it might make her more agreeable and a better neighbor.

In short, you should try to work things out amicably and come to some kind of agreement.  But in any case, remember that they are your kids, not hers (and your dog too), and you are their parent, so what you say goes, no matter how badly it upsets your neighbor!

Good luck!

Answer 23

you dont want to offend your neighbors. kind of sounds like she is just lonely ad trying to be frinedly. perhaps have a talk with YOUR kids. explain to them that they are not supposed to talk to and never take food from stragers. and that it is wrong to sneak over to her house. because you dont know her well. and if that does not work,  get to know her! i am sure she means no harm. and once you do, it will be easy to tell her that you would rather that she didnt smoke around your young kids.