On this poem is the last line ok?

Question

Best friends are like songs

First, you absolutely love the song and listen to it everyday

Second, you listen to the song so much you kind of get bored of it

Third, you get bored of the song and delete it off your iPod

Fourth, you hear it on the radio and remember how much you loved it

Finally, you go back to loving the song and apologizing for leaving it.

i didnt really know what to put for the last line i kept on reading it and reading it but i dont think its a good line. what do you think?

Answer 1

i dont think this is exactly like a poem. more like a short story?

a poem needs a rhymn, a flow, a beat, a rhyme, a feeling to it.

Answer 2

You have a good idea first, but it's not quite a poem yet. My challenge for you is to cut the first line, and in some way demonstrate it without simply stating it. One commandment for writers is "show, don't tell."

Some corrections: Scratch "kind of." That's a wussy phrase, either you is or you ain't. It should be "bored with" not "bored of." Delete it "from." "Apologize" and not "apologizing." Of course the problem here is not so much with the grammatical error. You can apologize to a person, but not to a song. Being the about-to-be-great-and-famous-poet, I'm sure you'll figure out a way to make this work.

Answer 3

As it stands, this has more potential as an aphorism than a poem. Maybe you'd enjoy reading aphorisms and trying to write them. Some of the best writers of aphorisms are Chateaubriand, Nietzsche, and Lichtenberg.

However, I think you could make this into something much more like a poem if you were to cut it down a lot. You might want to try just "Best Friends" as the title and then slice up each long line you already have into a short stanza with short lines.

I think what you're saying in the last line is good. You may just want to experiment with other ways of saying it.

Good luck!

Answer 4

hey~

Nicely written... Now I see why best friends are like a song...

yeah.. the last part needs a bit re-touching...

Great Work, though~