Once more with feeling--Opinions?

Question

Last time before I relegate to undergound-7:45pm--California-Land of no money and high prices

Take Care (my friend)

Be careful

With your porcelain pieces

They are delicate

And your transparency shows

Don’t take more than your heart

Can stand to handle

A measurement too much

Will defeat your rise

Be cautious

Of egg shell walkways

They lead to a path

That will hold your tongue

For far too long

Splintered stilts

Won’t ease your passage

They only detract

From your true stride

Be mindful-of your mind

A special thing

So easily tinkered

If too tightly wound

Its music will be stolen

Don’t let deflected words

Come back in fury

As sharp clawed pigeons

Deliver angry scribbles

You may often see red

Radiated in blues

A vibrating brain

You cannot mute

Be restful; take the time

Put away your weary bones

You suffer too much

In the hands of fools

In your own damnation

Set aside the gloves

Your splitting knuckles

Its time to heal

Before you crumble

Answer 1

"Hi!",

Once again a very well structured and creative poem. we are fragile both spiritually and physically and was portrayed very well in this poem.

WELL DONE!

Cheers  : )

Answer 2

Stunning.  I get a sense of moving away from a place of "fury" where the music of the mind is stolen toward a place of ultimate tranquility, as captured in the lines "Be restful, take the time  Put away your weary bones"  and "It's time to heal".  There is profound wisdom throughout this poem, delivered with a delicate touch.  I appreciate the precise beauty of your words.  Thank you.

Answer 3

It as to be said that as text book poetry goes this gets an A+, well written good flow and I find myself following your thoughts perfectly without deflection, nice imagery and good emtion. However I feel like you manage to stain on the technical and not immerse yourself in the art of the poem, where is the tiny flaws that make some of the greatest poetry just that great, massive potential here, well done.

Answer 4

This had some interesting images and a pleasant flow. I liked this sequence:

Don’t let deflected words

Come back in fury

As sharp clawed pigeons

Deliver angry scribbles

You may often see red

Radiated in blues

A vibrating brain

You cannot mute

Nice images there and very cool writing.

One minor nit (could be just a preference):

In your own damnation

Reading this out loud, I didn't like the repetition of "In" (in this and the previous line). Maybe consider "to" or "towards".

Thanks for the read.