One from my heart, does it work?

Question

LOVE CALLS OUT

If I could make you understand,

I have looked for distractions within this land,

I’ve tried to make it easy for me to walk,

But still find loneliness within my dark.

The loneliness was never there before,

Only the day you walked in my door,

I reach out to you; try to make you see me,

My love I offered, was it meant to be?

We belong to two different worlds you and I,

I am still asking questions, still wondering why,

I know all the answers given, the day that we meet,

My faith held strong, all would turn sweet.

Time is crucial within the universal plan,

Faith and belief upheld within the man,

Many will falter along this life path,

Achieve and feel despair and wrath.

I let my path move me from your course,

My soul pushing me makes strong my life force,

However, I know everything needs to be right,

It’s the only way forward to arrive at the light.

Answer 1

I like it...the third stanza was really good.

Answer 2

Yes, it most definitely does work.  The bittersweet love, your love, the belief in Diety, the manifest problems of today, and the words of hope; all come from deep within  your heart.  It isn't easy to "bare one's soul", but you have taken the time and did it.  I applaud you for it.  God Bless.

Answer 3

I like it very much, the long distance romance, the wistfulness, the longing. It is just lovely. Thanks for sharing.

Answer 4

Again the wordiness of the poem is distracting, ex.:

"We belong to two different worlds you and I," the You and I should already be understood by your reader, the repetition is unnecessary. Wanting the rhyme to exist, one could have used, "To different world belong you and I." This removes the need to use "We" and "You" and "I."

Knowing the poem is about oneself, the over use of "I" is taxing, making the poem seem childish. If you begin with I, each verse, their is little need to repeat it throughout the verse itself.

One question, though, what is the "Light" you speak of? Is it the Love or the person you may love? There is a journey here, but where does the journey end, or is it an ongoing journey?

Answer 5

Unrequited love is the most difficult to bear and the hardest to free.   You show the fluctuation of hope and lose very well; and I am sure far too many of us can relate.  It is power and loss riding the Mobius Strip.

One nit:

It will never give up on you; we both know theirs no way.

It will never give up on you; we both know there's no way.

theirs is belonging to someone.

T.