One last one, my farewell for today. How can I improve it?

Question

Itinerant Eternity - rondolet

My gypsy song,

dancing amidst twilight fire.

My gypsy song,

the dance not right, the dance not wrong.

My life drawn down to the wire,

this dance will evade my pyre.

My gypsy song.

Answer 1

A dance of life indeed.  The line "my life drawn down to the wire"  did not read as well to me, ( primarily, "down to the wire").  Probably just me!  Overall, I liked, thanks.

Answer 2

As the old song goes, "I love you, Gypsy woman."

Answer 3

I like it; but, to answer the question: by changing `evade' to a word the scans like `parry.'

Answer 4

Ugh!

Are you kidding?  I get nothing from this.  And for all those who give you props...SHUT UP!  

Are you all incapable of suffering and celbrating on paper.

Come on...don't hold back.  Rewrite this and tell my about this pyre.  Why is the dance evading your "pyre"?  What is wrong with you?  Why are you so special?

I want to hear the raspy middle-easter influence of the Gitano melodically lamenting over five strings that would allow him to make love to you.  I want to know of this dancer that causes flame to blush for not being able to move as thrilling as she can.

My God...UGH!

Answer 5

You set the bar really high earlier. These are all good. That other was great.

Answer 6

It is so Whisper... but more specific to Evadne... dancing under the moon to a Pagan tune, giving glory to our heavenly Father and His love for us shining down regardless of the righteous posers' complaint and disagreement... we dance, 'not wrong, not right' We Dance!

Answer 7

Rhythmical, just like Gypsy music. Good work!

Answer 8

If you end a line with "pyre", it sounds like Jim Morrison to me. Otherwise, very good!

Answer 9

You can't from where I'm sitting!!!

You did a Great Job,,,,Reads & Flows Nicely

Answer 10

Perhaps make the meaning (if it has one) a little clearer. I know it's the fashion to make the meaning vague and ambiguous in this type of poem (usually so that the writer can claim credit for some clever interpretation that somebody else imparts to it), but I feel that if the writer has something to say, it should be there to see. However, it's certainly interesting and I'm not slagging it off, even 'though it's a bit slight.